Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Yes, I'm Using A Shirtless Photo As My Facebook Profile Picture

Facebook, I don't get you. I mean, there's all these people adding me as their "friend," but then they get all butthurt when I post offensive remarks as status, or upload a picture without a shirt on. I know they're jealous of my amazing pecs of destiny and biceps of the Gods. But to post offhand remarks as a status update 15 minutes after I change my profile pic? "People showing off their shirtless pictures on Facebook are lame." Are they now? So what does that leave the people spouting indirect commentary on their shirtless pictures as?

 And even more ridiculous, still, taking parody pictures? Really? I'd find it funny too, asshole, if you let me in on the fucking joke. My whole shtick is me pretty much taking the piss out of myself, and everyone else, on a consistent and unrelenting basis. C'mon, you pussies, confront me directly. Why not? What do you have to lose? There's no banana stickers on Facebook. You aren't graded on what you post, not by anyone besides the CIA at least. You HAVE nothing to lose. Stop playing coy and being faggots. If you're trying to make me the butt of a joke of some random social circle I have absolutely no part of, call me out and let me laugh along, and sling shit back. Indirect trolling is for the spineless. What the fuck is the satisfaction in that?

If you really take offense to me posting my staggeringly amazing physique as my profile picture, why not remove me as a friend? Better yet, why not troll my profile directly? Are you too afraid to enter a direct troll conflict? Or are you using a different tactic of trolling I'm not aware of, trying to trick me into initiating this troll battle so you can have the upper hand? Maybe you have material prepared, and will ambush me with it should I make the first move? I guess I'll play the same game, and make this random article about how you're a sand filled vagina without posting it directly to you. But I WILL post it in a status update, to call you out indirectly. Give you a taste of your own medicine....but indirectly. Wouldn't want to risk any of the fallout for being a douchebag, now would I? I will employ ninja servants to do it for me, so that I can walk away unscathed, regardless of how the troll battle plays out.

I don't really care what you people think of me, you're as inconsequential to my life and surroundings as I am to yours. If I cared in the slightest about what internet folk thought of me, you think I'd associate this very blog with my personal life? Or carry on in the fashion I do? I mean, if you don't have the backbone or testicular fortitude to confront me directly, so be it, but don't try to make me some kind of punchline to a joke in a social circle I have nothing to do with at all. And don't think for a second I don't realize you are trying to take potshots from behind a line of defense. You know what, screw the ninjas, I'm sending my robot monkeys to take care of you. You don't deserve the painless death ninjas inflict.

 But really, to break character for just a second here, I honestly can't tell if the concept of satire is completely lost on people. Light up and lighten up. I actually had a family member ask me about this blog, and what I post on my Facebook, and why I'm so angry all the time. You can't be serious in thinking I'm being serious, I'm seriously. None of it matters, it's all inconsequential bullshit. The reason I do what I do on the internet is:

1) To underplay the importance of the ego; people take the internet, Facebook, and themselves, way too seriously. Most people wear masks, so I put on a mask just like they do, just for different reasons. Instead of wearing this figurative mask as an attempt to shield myself from criticism and troll warfare, I'm wearing it to encourage criticism and troll warfare...on myself, and everything.

Think of it like starting a food fight in the cafeteria - you damn well know when you start that shit, EVERYONE is getting covered in food. I'm trying to start food fights on Facebook, but some people choose to hide in the big carton they store all the milk cartons in. They're throwing food without getting hit with any themselves. Stop being scared of getting milk on your shoes, you pussies. To see people talk shit from a distance is ridiculous - it's Facebook, asshole. I see people talking shit indirectly on Facebook way too often. These status about personal issues....DO IT ON THEIR PROFILE. Don't do it on your Facebook like it's your fucking diary. If you're gonna start shit, do it in a way we can ALL enjoy and get entertainment from. A battle of wits is false when it takes place behind peoples backs. That's some rich yuppie Valley Girl shit, it
's like trying to bribe a politician on live TV.

And you simply can't do ANYTHING to help me dig the grave of my reputation any further. You're using shovels while I have Hippie Drills and TNT. Throwing dirt on me as I dig is just spineless. Jump down in the grave and dig with me, if I annoy you that much. You've accomplished nothing in your cowardice. All you did is waste 10 minutes of my time; the 10 minutes it took me to crap out this bland article that reads like a Jewish person airing their dirty laundry, and 5 more minutes to make a new profile picture.

It's like I'm driving this car (my ego) with the sole intention of crashing it into a tree, hoping to bank on some insurance money (the lulz), and for some reason you jumped in the backseat uninvited, and are trying to be a backseat driver, shouting at me to take a left here with a sly grin on your face like you think you're a fucking genius or something, without realizing we're about to CRASH INTO A FUCKING TREE. On purpose.

Stop camping, and join the fight. BETTER YET, get a new console entirely, XBox sucks.
2) But I mostly do what I do on the internet for my own amusement and the lulz it should bring. We're all gonna die. Life is a joke, the punchline is death. You can't be laughing all the way from the cradle to the grave, but you can try.

What I'm really passionate about is my music - that's my intended legacy. And I'm not talking about 'making money' off my music. I just want to create my own signature sound, and make music that is unpredictable. Music that is TOO BIG FOR ONE SCENE. Mixing genres and influences to create something new. A lot of musicians love to be a slave to genre constrictions, or to not even learn an instrument and just push buttons. But that path is too easy and boring. If you're gonna make music by a blueprint, make your own fucking blueprint to use.

All this blogging, and the all the shit I talk on my social networks....or the way I talk myself up so much, acting arrogant and pretentious? It's all a fucking parody, you retards. You see the way Jack Black acts when he's doing anything Tenacious D related? Or the way Frank Zappa trolled everyone, including himself, undermining the importance of importance? It's a ruse, brah, a fucking joke.

That Rebecca Black article from yesterday, for example....some people on the conspiracy sites I shared that on, were asking me if I was schizo. I couldn't tell if they were trolling me, who was trolling them, or legitimately thought the article was legitimate. They couldn't possibly think I was serious, could they? I know tone of voice doesn't exactly translate well through walls of text on the internet, but Jesus fucking Christ. Open your (brown) eyes, assholes. It's a joke. You don't have to laugh, but there is no need to be upset.

I just have fun mocking things, including myself. There's this other example. I was on Cloud Killers, making a joke that on December 21st, 2012 we are going to see 28 planets smash into the moon. People told me 2012 was stupid, not realizing I was saying the SAME EXACT THING as they were. These people really couldn't tell I was just fucking around? 28 is a pretty specific number of planets to cite when offering a doomsday prediction. Maybe they realized this, and I just couldn't tell that they were trolling me back? An inception trolling? I thought this shit was obvious. I'm spoon-feeding the humor to people, but they're expecting it in an IV.

So back to my initial point...yes, I posted a shirtless picture of myself on Facebook. No, it doesn't bother me that you're too much of a pussy to confront me directly on how it makes you feel personally inadequate, or jealous of my impressive and natural physique that makes fair maidens blush and moisten. Feel free to voice your discontent about how you for some reason get annoyed by shirtless photos on Facebook as a status update, or even do half-decent parodies. But TAG ME IN THAT SHIT. Don't think I'm not in on the fucking joke I started myself. Get a clue, you retards, and tag me in that shit. I've been dying to use this Mayan War Axe since I bought it.


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