Wednesday, November 14, 2012

World War Z Movie Review (Zombies Part 2)

Have you seen the new World War Z trailer yet? Holy fuck does that look like a pile of festering dog feces, if I've ever seen one. And I have seen more piles of festering dog shit than I would ever care to acknowledge on this blog. (It would be redundant, because there's over 60 examples of piles of festering dog shit for the skillfully observant - hell, you're reading one of said festering piles right now. Is that META enough for you? How about that, me being META about being META? Inception META? Fuck breaking the 4th wall, lets NUKE the 5TH WALL.)

 World War Z is the sequel / spin-off of the excellent "Zombie Survival Guide." Go read both books, I'm not here to spoon-feed you your own opinion. I'm here to spoon-feed you my opinion, and provided you have nice tits with a thin-to-semi-chunky frame, I'll also spoon feed you my balls if you'd like. So if you haven't read the books, you can just assume I am right about 99% of everything....ever. (The 1% of time I'm wrong was right there, claiming that I'm only right 99% of the time. That's actually false, I'm right 100% of the time. Or was, until that statement. And this one.)

Here's the trailer, check it out:

If that didn't look terrible to you, you didn't read the book. But if it didn't look terrible, AND you read the book, you're just lying to yourself. I know, it's difficult coming to terms with how bad they fucked the movie up.

But false optimism isn't the correct course of action to prevent these atrocities of film hitting theaters in the future. No, we must all join forces, as a unified collective, and bitch about this on the internet. I'm setting the precedent with this article, FOLLOW MY LEAD! If Metacritic gave out negative ratings, this movie would surely deserve a - 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

Also, we must NOT spend money on this movie - instead, we must pirate it on the internet. The oppression against intelligent and honest film-making will only end when we stop giving them our money. We have to convince the evil corporations the only way they're getting our money, is when they start putting effort into their "artistic" endeavors. When they lose enough money, they will then see the error of their ways. (Or they'll just pay someone else to see the errors of their ways for them. They're likely too busy catching up on P Diddys Twitter and watching full seasons of Big Bang Theory and Pawn Stars to see anything else.)

To those of us....with the exception of those in denial of how terrible this movie actually looks, that is....but to those of us that take zombies (semi) seriously as an art form, and recognize it as arguably the most intense and disturbing sub-genre in the entire horror industry when handled with respect, this trailer was sacrilegious. A pile of festering sacrilegious dog feces. The whole thing came across so fucking corny, that JIMMY FALLON was able to make a good joke out of it. JIMMY FUCKING FALLON made me laugh.

I'm almost as disappointed in myself for laughing at a Jimmy Fallon bit as I am with this trailer for how horribly it portrays World War Z.

There is nothing wrong with the zombie formula. It's stale, decayed, and rotting, just like it's supposed to be. If people want to make innovations to the genre, I have no qualms with it - for the sake of art, and originality, that's encouraged by Zed-heads, in my opinion. But when they're just innovating the formula to make more money, to dumb down the premise and appeal to more people - that's when they should start naming their movie something else. Namely, ANYTHING BESIDES "WORLD WAR FUCKIN' Z."

The reason most zombie movies suck, and people are getting bored with zombies, is because people are just cashing in on the current popularity of the genre. They're not trying to make a good movie - they're trying to make money. And people who say things like, "The zombie fad needs to die!" need to rethink their statement. First of all, the zombie fad would need to DIE AGAIN, both figuratively and literally. (Zombies were wildly popular in the 70s and 80s, then died out. Also, they're zombies, die again, blah blah blah.) And secondly, how the fuck can't you tell people are just exploiting and cashing in on the genre?! Go watch Zombie Flesh Eaters, do yo damn homework!

 So the rest of you, the casual zombie fans, or even the zombie haters, you must be wondering why so many Zed-Heads are lashing out against the trailer. "The movie actually looks pretty good, Sweet Funky Freedom. Why are you giving yourself a hernia? Brad Pitts hair looked marvelous!" To summarize, the only thing this movie shares with the book is the title; this is a shameless cash-in on the genre, and nothing more. It's a slap in the face to fans of the book to see a wall of CGI assholes.

 In World War Z, the main character was basically...the entire world. Or better yet, the global war between zombies and humans. The apocalypse itself was the main fucking character. We didn't need an obvious protagonist in the book, other than the interviewer, who was cleverly included so the author could keep a very loose narrative structure. World War Z the book was bigger than any one person. World War Z the movie is.....Brad Pitt.

I can't stress enough to those of you who aren't zombie fanatics, but basically: Hollywood f*cked up what could've been the most epic zombie movie ever made.

This should have been the be-all, end-all zombie flick. Finally, we could've seen a zombie film completely freed of having to follow any kind of Hollywood structure, freed of having to pander to mainstream criteria.

  • No human arc to bog down the action.
  • The collapse of society from dozens of perspectives, occurring in dozens of cultures.
  • All out warfare between humans and the undead.
  • The peak of the outbreak would be longer than the 10 minute movie introduction we're accustomed to. (See: Dawn of the Dead '04) Full half hour scenes about the peak of the outbreak outbreak, followed by 15 minute scenes depicting.....the peak of the outbreak. We should have gotten The Helms Deep of zombie cinema and the Omaha Beach of zombie cinema IN ONE MOVIE. Instead we get Brad Pitt running around in a 2012 meets I Am Legend mashup. Mashups suck Hollywood, learn how to play a fucking instrument and compose your own fucking music, you unoriginal pricks!
  • Looks into the government, the army, the media, hospitals, and rescue stations at the point of the outbreak, as well Big Pharma like companies FAKING A ZOMBIE VACCINE TO PROFIT. How fucking ballsy would this movie have been if it stuck to the book and CALLED OUT FUCKING CANCER TREATMENTS?

See, most zombie movies are either during the apocalypse, but locked inside a smaller location, or years after, Mad Max style, post-apocalyptic status. Never are we on the front lines as armies wipe out hordes of the undead. When are we going to get our tastefully done movie showing the entire world in the throes of a zombie apocalypse? The Black Hawk Down of zombies, like Frank Darabont wanted to film with the season 2 premiere of the Walking Dead before he got fired so the budget for THAT episode could be used to feed the egos of the assholes who make Mad Men instead?

When will we get to see actual battles between the army and legions of zombies? When do we get something majestic in scope, I'm talking Lord of the Rings size battles....and 300 minus the corny music video effects, slow motion, and scantily clad dudes....that are both action packed and horrifically frightening? When we are going to get a feast scene bigger than the ones in Land of the Dead? (Love or hate Land of the Dead, there is that ONE know which one...which is literally the biggest zombie feast ever filmed....before the missile interrupts the dinner party.) 

But nope. We got screwed. Instead of World War Z, we get....

Brad Pitt presents
I Am 2012 Legends....
(None of which are World War Z)
Rated PG-13


It rustles my jimmies hardcore. Instead of the most epic showcase of zombie action ever....a completely unique and innovative anthology of the apocalypse....hell, they could have made the book into a trilogy, with how much ground is covered....instead we get walls of CGI zombies climbing on top of each other. Not even GOOD CGI, either, I'm talking horrendously bad, Godzilla 1998 CGI. Godzilla 1998 is Terminator 2: Judgement Day compared to World War Z.

This film is an abomination. It's literally the black face of zombies. This CGI is BAD. The zombies are like a f*cking tidal wave of retarded, it looks so horrible. Just look at comparisons of the movie and art from the book:



 Listen, I know "The movie is never better than the book!" But that's not a worthy fucking excuse to not even attempt to make a good film.

You filmmakers and Hollywood'd figure, with all your money and resources, you'd be pushing the fucking limits of cinema, but instead, you're just milking franchises because you're too lazy and unoriginal to produce anything worth my fucking time. Then you water the milk down, pasteurize it and add a bunch of chemicals and hormones and other bullshit. In fact, your productions are so horrible, they're WORTH WASTING MY TIME TO RANT ABOUT. Let me try to explain what makes World War Z the book so awesome, so you fucking idiots can pull your heads out of your asses and attempt to make a half decent movie when you inevitably remake it two years from now, instead of trying to suck 28 Dicks Later.

World War Z was an opportunity to FINALLY capture the perspective of the zombie apocalypse gore-hounds like me have been waiting for - the shit hits the fan moment, from all around the world. Nothing bogging down the plot, no stupid love story or pandering character drama, no one specific character viewers feel compelled/forced to root for...just CHAOS. SHIT HITTING THE FAN, and CHAOS. How would the world handle a zombie apocalypse? How would the army fight the undead, and would it even be possible for the zombies to win? What happens in cities, in suburbs, in the hospitals as they overflow, or at the police station where dozens of people attempt to file complaints of violence? How would the corrupt government attempt to capitalize off this tragedy? What would the world, in complete shambles, do to repair itself after the fact?

And World War Z in book form, delivered on all those fronts. The interviewer in the book provided a very loose narrative backdrop; Max Brooks invented this character so he had free reign to write out glorious depictions of dozens of highly epic and suspenseful, but personally unrelated zombie set pieces. Mr. Brooks did it was very much a love note to the zombie genre, but it was so massive in scope. The main character in the book was the apocalypse itself - it didn't NEED a lead character to anchor the story, it was too big for that shit. Petty interpersonal bullshit was too inconsequential, this book was about the WORLD, not some asshole and his shitty family.

This trailer certainly attempted to get the chaos aspect right, with society falling into shambles, "Magical Teleporting Dump Trucks" aside, but the filmmakers ruined any chance of suspense or horror when they went with fast zombies. Now, instead of being a candidate for the biggest horror movie of all-time, it's just another generic "28 Days Later" knock-off, which wasn't even a good "The Crazies" parody to begin with.

They also seem to have bogged down the film with a pointless family plot that feels generic even in the trailer "You're taking me away from my family?! Rabble rabble!" Cue generic family held hostage, forcing protagonist into action plotline, polish said turd, release, profit. And that whole crap in the car when they're stuck in traffic was as painful to watch as getting your lungs ripped out by a pack of zombies. "Does it, live in the jungle?" No, it lives in a fucking mental institution, wearing a padded jacket so it doesn't stab the idiots that write the very cookie cutter lines you're shitting out of your mouth on screen this very second in the fucking jugular with a serrated tooth brush, you cunt!

See, World War Z the movie needed to utilize the creepiness of slow zombies if it wanted to capture the essence of the book. If you're talented writers, you don't need 30 minutes of cliche character development to get people invested in the characters. In a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, YOU CAN RELATE TO ANYONE. Zombies aren't picky, they'll eat the black guy, they'll eat the racist guy, they'll eat the homo, they'll even eat officials of the fucking government, as they scramble to develop vaccinations they can profit off of instead of stopping the damn apocalypse instead. Hell, most of you, unfortunately, could even relate to the fucking zombies, with your I-phones and your sports and you're fucking disrespect for all the natural wonders that grow around you. 

Using 'sprinters' negates the entire book. This movie should have had the first half hour being the world growing increasingly unstable - ramping up the tension and atmosphere as it went along. (Tension and atmosphere? In a Hollywood movie?! Bollocks!) Then Battle of Yonkers could have been the climax of the movie, for about 30 - 45 intense minutes. World War Z should have been a trilogy - first movie is the outbreak and chaos, second movie is the direct aftermath, third movie is many years later, with the world picking up the pieces, killing off the last zombies, and finally finding World Peace in the wake of the tragedy. Then the very end of that movie could have had the appearance of a zombie, signifying despite finally finding world peace, zombies are back, motherfuckers, and they're gonna eat the shit out of you! (Via your intestines. (Which they rip out through your assholes. (And by that I'm not suggesting you have multiple assholes, but that zombies, instead of instinctively ripping out intestines through the abdomen, instead decide to pull the intestines out of people through their asshole instead. That would be an innovation to zombie cinema both way more hilarious, AND way more disturbing.)))

The funny thing is, I REALLY don't get the impression Brad Pitt wanted to disrespect World War Z the book when he made World War Z the movie. Sure, his role in the movie takes the viewer out of the movie entirely. "Oh, THAT GUY? Now this feels like a movie, good job ruining any suspense casting yourself as the lead, jackass." But despite his poor move to cast himself as the star, I actually think he fully intended to deliver the fans of the book....the movie interpretation of the book. I mean, just look at his face.....he knows he fucked up.

World War Z will be so bad, we might as well call it the BradPitt Oil Spill.

Thank baby Jesus for the Walking Dead, because if Walking Dead wasn't kicking so much ass right now, World War Z might actually have been the film to kill the zombie fad...again.


  1. I agree with everything included in this post. EVERYTHING.

    1. Clearly you are of someone of keen intellect and classy taste. I applaud you for applauding me!

  2. Agree 100%.

    Had they followed the format of the book and made Brad Pitt the "interviewer" it could have been a franchise, not some sh!tty cash grab.

    Imagine if they do it like the interviews. The first movie starts out with patient zero and ends with the Battle of Yonkers. The second movie starts with the great panic as a result of BoY and ends with the India mountain scene. Then the final 3rd movie is human exile and the reclamation of the land.

    I can imagine the cinematography of the international space station watching the great herds. That would be so devestating.

    1. All excellent points. The way you described the trilogy of films is exactly how I would've envisioned it, too.

  3. Have you actually seen the movie yet or are you just tearing it up based on how bad you think it will be?

    1. Anyone who has read the book knows this movie is a cash-grab. Literally ALL they had to do was name it something else. But because the movie is named World War Z, it is automatically setup to be a major disappointment. World War Z should've been the BIGGEST ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER. Instead we get a generic "I Am Legend" meets "28 Days Later" meets a Roland Emmerich movie doused in AIDs and hepatitis A - Z.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. You delete your post, only to re-post it anonymously?

  5. I always imagined this film being shot in a style similar to 'Band of Brothers.' A bunch of people from around the world begin narrating their account of what happened and then we cross into the action for a gritty reenactment. I have literally never been so disappointed watching a movie trailer, in my entire life, as I was watching World War Z. Out of sheer respect, they could at least change the title so the ties are severed. So lame.

    1. That would make too much sense for Hollywood, to follow the source material on a project a bit too ambitious for most casual readers. This isn't a movie for zombie's a cash-grab to capitalize on the success of the Dawn of the Dead remake and Walking Dead.

  6. I agree with all of it. I watched this but didn't spend a cent to do so. Boy am I glad I didn't spend my hard earned money on this. What a disappointment. I saw the trailers and I had so much hope that this would be the greatest zombie epic ever. I mean how could this "action film" not even include one of the most action packed parts of the book: the Battle of Yonkers (my favorite part BTW)? What about the Redeker Plan? So pissed.

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