Davey Suicide Should Legitimize His Stage Name (Sweet Funky Retro Freedom)

The last article I left you with ended with a disturbing image of Davey Suicide.

I challenge you to find a group of people with a more punchable face than this here gaggle of transvestites. You can't, it's impossible. "Sweet Funky Freedom, why do you have to be such a hater? LEAVE THOSE TRANNIES ALONE!" I didn't go out and search the internet for these douchebags. They found me by being constantly posted on Bloody-Disgusting.

I even wrote an article about these twats when I was first starting this blog back in April. The 10th Article was supposed to be a Davey Suicide rant, but I cut out that entire portion of the rant released the rest of the article, instead. The article ended up released was "5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal."

"5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal" was originally a direct response to the Davey Suicide article, "Davey Suicide’s Top 10 Clothing/Accessories Every Rock Star Needs To Own." Being a cheeky cunt, I saved the article from back in April on my computer, on the off chance I ever needed it for something. And since the Davey Suicide coverage on Bloody Disgusting kind of rustles my jimmies, I'm gonna republish the unreleased material from "5 Tools Musicians Need In Their Arsenal: Directors Cut."
 

For all you musicians joining me, were you able to finish reading that list without throwing up in your mouth a little? "Top 10 Clothing/Accessories Every Rock Star Needs To Own" - now there's a list that should have never existed, if ever I saw one. That title is an oxymoron. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when rock music used to actually require talent to perform, the main objective was to stand out against materialism and conformity in a state of aggressive, free-spirited rebellion, not ENDORSE IT...right?

 

Ok, so admittedly, they actually do acknowledge this in number 10, and maybe the list is just satire. "Being a rock star isn’t a job that comes off when you go home, it’s a lifestyle and it’s the ability to live your life, fearless and free from boundaries." Maybe they're as self-aware as Dee Snider. And Dee Snider turned out to be a pretty smart mother fucker, when it came down to it. I mean, everyone knew Frank Zappa was gonna verbally rape Tipper Gore, but no one expected Dee Snider to throw Tipper a verbal beat-down of his own that was nearly as impressive as Mr Zappas.

So maybe Davey Suicide is just fucking around. Maybe the entire band is just making a mockery of themselves in an act of rock 'n' roll rebellion and defiance. Maybe the "gaggle of trannies" look they cultivated is a mere satirical statement on the vanity of mainstream musicians.....
 
 Or maybe their music is so fucking generic and boring they need to dress up like cross-dressing assholes and generously dish out profanity in song-titles to get any recognition from the angst-ridden teenaged slackers that make up their target audience. It's like these jackasses are just pretending to be rebellious without even knowing what they're rebelling against.

To peacock and pamper ones image to maximize sales, while at the same time neglecting the artistry of the craft, that's the opposite of rock, right? Focusing on image over the music? I mean, anyone who makes a list like the above couldn't possibly have a fan-base that consisted of anything other than sheep who made a deaf purchase based on the 'attitude' of the band, right?

You're telling me that this band actually took the time out of their day to make a list of accessories they feel every 'rock star' should own? What a bunch of fucking pussies. Are you actual musicians, or fucking fashion designers?

It took time and effort to make that list. And that's time that could've been spent carelessly banging groupies. Or throwing TV sets out of windows and trashing hotel rooms. Or ingesting copious amounts of illegal drugs...for free. Or designing the website for their next album release. Or...I don't know...practicing their instruments and composing new, creative music? Trying to discover a new sound? Not just trying to catch the biggest trend wave to make money off a bunch of fucking idiots how have been conditioned to have zero taste in music since birth?

And people wonder why I'm going to have a heart attack by the age of 25 or give myself face cancer from all my hatred. As a self-employed musician (aka unemployed), I find bullshit lists like this very hard to tolerate. These douchebags are getting paid money to make fashion lists, and I can't even find work writing a single jingle for a fucking commercial?

Way to demean the art form, guys!

It is nearly physically painful for me to even acknowledge the existence of musicians who are more concerned with their image than their actual musical output.

I'll be honest here, I'm gonna reserve judgement of this bands music......because I haven't heard it. I've never listened to a single "Davey Suicide" track. The name "Davey Suicide" alone, in fact, is fucking stupid enough to keep me far away from this bands musical output. And this is coming from ME, a person who chose the stage name "Jon of the Shred." At least my name is an homage to a legendary horror film. (No, not the 2004 Zack Synder remake, you idiot, I'm talking about Romero's definitive film.) What the fuck kind of name is "Davey Suicide?" This idiot should legitimize his music by demonstrating his stage name in real life.

Call me close-minded all you want; I choose not to waste my time listening to what will likely be some shitty, generic, pandering metalcore / emocore / garbagecore. If the first impression of a band you get is "Wow, these guys look like a gayer Brokencyde," it's best to not even subject yourself to their music at all and move on. I will not lend my learned musical ears to a band more focused on their image, more focused on fitting into a niche, and more focused on making money than developing their own unique style of music.

Is that close-minded of me? To write off a band based purely on their image? Even a band that, apparently, puts a shit-ton of time into said image? Enough time to write an article about the top 10 accessories rock-stars need? In other words, a band that likely cares more about their image than making good, original music?

It's all good, hate me if you want. Call me close-minded, elitist, a music snob...whatever, bro. If you want to get aggro with me because I pointed anyone that looks like THAT probably makes shitty music, be my guest. It's fine, you probably have shitty taste and lack a sense of humor if you're offended by this blog or take it seriously, and I'm glad I pissed you off. Lets just agree to disagree - we both know your taste sucks.

And believe me, no matter what hate mail I get, or disparaging remarks about my bottom teeth I'll get on Youtube, no matter how many hipster douchebags with names like "K-Dawg" leave comments on my articles, I'll still be passing on "Davey Suicides" latest magnum opus, "Generation Fuck Star." Oh wait, that's the title? I take everything I've said so far in this article back...I was wrong.

Surely a song with such an intellectually driven title would be a track so epic and divine it would not only push the limits of sonic artistry, but also expose the true meaning of life and give clarity to those lost in these trying times. "Generation Fuck Star" is surely 42 embodied through music. It is the answer to all of our questions and prayers, and the solution to all of our problems. "Generation Fuck Star" is such a potent song title you can assume the music is like distilling John Williams, Basil Poledouris, Ennio Morricone and Hans Zimmer into liquid form and injecting it into the eyelids of Dweezil Zappa and Rusty Cooley.

Just kidding. The name of that track alone is, again, so fucking stupid I will likely never intentionally listen to any of their music. "Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star." I lost brain cells typing out that full statement. Ignorance is bliss, you say? All right, I'm on my way to bliss right now then....
 
 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star
 

Holy fuck does that sound retarded. It's almost offensive enough for me to wish all the tranny-mothers that spawned these retards had had their tubes tied thirty years ago so I wouldn't even have to be subjected with the thought that a song called "Generation Fuck Star" actually exists. 0 for 2 on the titles, Davey.

Even if "Generation Fuck Star" featured guest appearances from Bruce Dickinson on vocals, Ritchie Blackmore on lead guitar, the ghost of Tupac, and a voice over intro from Christopher Walken, I would pass. (Plus, I still have a lot of Frank Zappa's impressive discography to finish listening to.)

  As I musician, I guess I just personally get the impression a band that takes HOURS OF TIME getting ready for a photo-shoot are a bunch of limp-wristed fools who can barely write comprehensible riffs, never-mind explore uncharted musical terrain. I like the music I listen to to sound.....I don't know, whats the word I'm looking for here.....GOOD? And the musicians to have....what's that thing even the shittiest bands of the 70s, like Led Zeppelin and the Police had....that thing they ALL had at that time....TALENT! That's what it's called!

These idiots look like they wouldn't know a guitar solo if Yngwie Malmsteen and John Petrucci were cock-slapping them in their makeup caked-faces while Rusty Cooley and Joe Stump shredded awkward chromatic porn licks in the background. (Get it, a joke about shred guitarists and wanking?)

"Sorry guys, the author of Twilight wasn't too keen on the additional scene you pitched. She passed on the entire transsexual vampire orgy idea...we have to cut it from the film. Maybe try forming a band? You look like pretentious knobs, you'll probably make hundreds! Maybe even thousands!"

So since everyone seems to be so fond of reading lists and making lists these days, (remember Cracked when they weren't just a list website and were a decent Mad Magazine knock-off?) I'm gonna make a list of my own...

"5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal."

See that, readers? That's how I originally started the "5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal" article; with that rather lengthy rant about Davey Suicide. And now, having published it for the first time and ended the article with a link to the place it was originally featured in a ironic, roundabout fashion....I feel like S.E. fucking Hinton.

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."

I didn't post the full article back in April, and now I'm glad I didn't, because I got to shoehorn the very first and last sentence of "The Outsiders" into this article now, in November! Because of the fact I opted not to post the Davey Suicide article when I originally wrote it, I earned some nostalgia points. Aww yea!

But seriously, I cut out all the Davey Suicide shit from the article because I figured, "No one even knows these assholes exist, why am I gonna rant about them? It'll just get them 3 or 4 more views." And I saved the article, just in case I felt the need to bring it up at a later date. Well, November 30th, 2012 seems to be the 'later date.' I couldn't stop myself after seeing their newest feature on Bloody-Disgusting.

This asshole is gonna dwell upon what fans can do to reclaim music? Really? He doesn't feel hypocritical in the least bit? One of the FIRST THINGS fans can do to reclaim music is banish shitty artists like Davey Suicide to an island somewhere with every person associated with ARK Music Factory and the ghost of Milli Vanilli and just cut them off from the rest of the world. These people make Gangnam Style sound like Tangerine Dream. Let's read what poignant thoughts Davey has on what fan can do to 'reclaim' music.

“Why is music today in the gutter waiting for rats to pass by and take a piss on it? All of the manufacturing has gotten out of control because labels and TV shows like American Idol and The Voice are resorting to creating an assembly line of artists instead of letting them create organically. The microwave generation and demand for instant return aren’t letting bands stand a chance in this revolving door of fair-weather glory.

Music fans can feel when something is genuine and they can also feel when it’s created to sell. It’s the same difference between dating a girl who is a star fucker and someone that wants to be with you because of who you are. It’s the difference between the fan that steals an album to be cool versus the fan that buys the album and reads through the lyric book to memorize the words. Where do we go from here then? I think it starts with us, the music fans. We need fans to start supporting bands that put the ‘art’ back into ‘artist’. Bands that eat, breathe and sleep what they do. After all, we are the future. We are Generation Fuck Star.” – Davey Suicide

Great job, Davey Suicide. Before making that statement, you were just "Transvestite Glitter-Vampire Emocore." But now that you've posted that statement, you're "HIPSTER Transvestite Glitter-Vampire Emocore." Good going, douchebags, the only way you can tarnish your image even further at this point is if you start molesting children in public and get caught lip-synching on Saturday Night Live. Your image is so bad right now, Keytars might not be that bad of an idea. In fact, go get yourself some keytars IMMEDIATELY.

"Oh, Davey Suicide uses keytars on stage...clearly these assholes don't take themselves seriously."

Wanna hear Jon of the Shreds thoughts on how people can "reclaim music?"

  

•  Learn how to play your fucking instruments.
• Stop trying to fit in with trends and make the music you wish other bands were making. 
• Try to push musical boundaries and innovate your own genre instead of pigeonholing yourself to a particular market or genre.
• Stop focusing on image, it doesn't mean shit.
• Stop focusing on money, and create music to express yourself. All you people care about these days is making money and banging chicks. I love making money and banging chicks - but I'm not gonna pretend like I have passion for music and use it as a front to pick up chicks. That's why most people are more likely to drop a few grand on DJ equipment than picking up an instrument and actually writing new music - they're buying their respect with DJ equipment that requires little knowledge or skill to operate, as opposed to putting in years of work in learning an instrument properly. Why learn how to play an actual instrument when most girls think instruments are for old people? Pushing buttons, twisting knobs, and moving levers is WAY sexier than actual talent these days. Remember, our generation doesn't want to be challenged intellectually - they want to be intellectually challenged. Act accordingly.
• Boycott assholes like Davey Suicide, not only because they are more focused on their image than their crappy music, but because they release hypocritical articles about the state of the music industry. 

You know what? I still got a song I gotta finish that I'm releasing specifically on this blog. So I'm gonna stop wasting time pointing out the flaws in this shitty, horrible band, and stop wasting time on reminiscing earlier, unreleased Sweet Funky Freedom material....and I'm gonna finish that song before the end of the night. So wake me up before November ends, douchebags.