Monday, November 12, 2012

ARK Music Factory: Antichrist Recruitment Konglomerate

Hurry, get in! There's no time to explain, we must make haste! Time is of extreme value right now, and if we don't act fast, I fear the predictions of countless conspiracy theorists and doomtards will soon ring true. I've just stumbled upon something BIG. MONUMENTAL. QUITE LITERALLY GIGANTIC. No, don't be ridiculous, it's not my balls, that's underselling them. What I'm talking about is the key to it all - I've finally pinpointed the shadowy organization that the McBilderberg, Illuminati, Freemasons, Skull and Bones, Templars, and Assassins ALL answer to and take orders from.

LOOK AT THAT SHIT. The McBilderbergers, one group you DO NOT want to fuck with. Also, notice the attention to (crappy) detail, the multi-layered comedy of that single image. 

Layers upon layers. It even features the ghost of Kel, who reportedly overdosed years ago from an orange soda (and crack cocaine) overdose.

Oh shit, I forgot, the's growing short. (How the fuck does something GROW short. If it is to be believed something is growing, or EXPANDING in size, it certainly wouldn't be growing shorter....technically it could be widening, but that's still not growing short. Fuck, what an oxymoronic statement.)

I've discovered what group controls everything, EVEN the McBilderbergers, the existence of which I just revealed for the very first time in this same post. Yep, that's right, I'm dropping the bombshells on TWO MAJOR CONSPIRACIES IN ONE ARTICLE. Gotta push it to the limit, and live to win, eye of the tiger style. Cuz no ones ever gonna take you down. YOLO, baby. YOLO.

So what is this secret, shadowy organization I'm talking about? Let me introduce the overlords of the McBilderbergers..... 

ARK Music Factory, aka....the
Antichrist Recruitment Konglomerate.

::cue dramatic music::

You might be thinking, "Conspiracy theories are crazy, Sweet Funky Freedom. You're a fucking retard, and I hope you catch syphilis." But you're dead wrong, partner. Because I'm not a retard, and I'm not going to be banging your mother again, so I certainly won't be worrying about catching any syphilis in the near future. "Well all right, I guess that's fair, Sweet Funky Freedom. But this group you speak of can't be as powerful as you're claiming, you're fear mongering. If I've never heard of them, why is their influence even something to acknowledge at all, nevermind fear?"

You're wrong again, pal. You've encountered ARKs influence more times than you would feel comfortable believing. And it all started with this....

If you don't think that this music video, the song, and that creepy little girl are the definition of PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL
, you need to check yourself into a psychiatric hospital. I'm seriously, brah. I'm worried about you.

Now to delve further into this conspiracy, you're going to have to risk your sanity. What you may witness from here on out, will shake you to the very foundations of your soul. It will rape you in the spirit world. You'll be getting molested all across the astral plane. So prepare your astral plane rape whistles and join me in this dark, convoluted and tangled conspiracy.

To even stand a chance of triumphing through the perils of the first trial, you must completely revitalize and enlighten your consciousness, so you may gain the mental capaticity necessitated to handle the depth of this conspiracy without your head exploding, so go back to the first video I posted in this post, the one called "There is certainly reason to be upset, but there really isn't any kind of need" and watch the entire thing. Take a breath a fresh music, because we'll be diving deep into some of the most soul-raping audio ever composed, and you'll be holding your breath for a long time. When you're finished watching all 7:22 of the video, hold your breath, and take the plunge.

WARNING: If at any point while watching these videos, you begin to have a seizure, or start to here THIS music:

then you must BAIL immediately. This music signifies your soul being penetrated in the astral plane and being impregnated by bad juju babies and kharma parasites. Only a High Priest of the Psychedelic Monks can rid you of these curses. So if you hear that ghastly, horrific music, be sure to immediately STOP swimming in the audio diarrhea. Take at least two hours time off, and you should probably partake in a DMT safety break while listening to "The Oddysey" by Symphony X, before venturing any further, just to be safe. Not taking the necessary time off could be very detrimental to your health. It is hazardous to your sanity. You've been warned. My hands are clean.

NOTE: If you wish to get a bigger breath of fresh air, check out these songs to unrustle your jimmies beyond comprehension: ASTRAL PROTECTION
Feeling adequately prepared now, are we? Ok, so here's our first trial....


This is where the occult magic begins. The song starts with a foreign tongue, known only to members of ARK and its affiliates, called Greshtiffoorapeuless. What you're hearing is the autotuned crooning,

"Ooh, ooh ooh! Woo-ooh YEAUGH YAAAAAHhhh, EEEYAAAAAH!



This is a subliminal incantation in the Greshtiffoorapeulessian tongue. If translated to English, this string of the 8 most offensive insults ever conceived in Greshtiffoorapeulessian, excluding #5, would take roughly 6 days, 6 hours, and 35 minutes to utter, and we really don't have the time for me to translate it for you, at this point. Time is growing short, remember?

So it's only 8 seconds into the song, and we've already been bombarded with 7 soul-raping insults, but what's happening visually at this point? If you pause the video, you will reveal disturbing imagery that is so haunting, it's almost as bad as one of the insults in Greshtiffoorapeluessian. So now you've got the music itself and it's various visual affliates gang-raping
your soul. Your head is throbbing, with Greshtiffoorapeulessian insults, crappy autotune, and subliminal imagery all bouncing around in your subconscious like a rabid pack of wolves, gnawing at your brain with the force of dozens of Honey Boo Boo and Storarge Wars episodes.

 Shocking images, eh? It will be shocking to most, but not to me. I've known something was fishy about Rebecca Black ever since the video was first released, and I'm not talking about her vagina. Not exclusively, at least.

Now as per typical Greshtiffoorapeulessian fashion, Rebecca seems to be talking in a monotone voice, off pitch with the roof note of the song in the studio, and overusing the "ay" sound. On top of the strange sounding dialect, heavy Fukoffaluffigrate Autotune Saturation is layered on top of her crappy, talentless voice to give it a sadistic, creepy robot sound. This voice has a slight hint of unsettling sadness to it, despite its complete lack in organic melody.

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs

See? I told you she had a fishy vagina. She's gotta be fresh downstairs. This is subliminal messaging to trick young girls into becoming giant sluts, so that they all develop yeast infections and turn young boys gay.

Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal

Clearly by bowl she means a bowl of crystal meth and bath salts, and by cereal, she means unprotected anal intercourse with her MK Ultra handlers.

Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’

Rushing = being high on crystal meth and bath salts

Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my FRAAAAANS (My fraaans)

I wonder if she still has any FRAAAAANS on Saturday, after she released this song?

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

Notice the emphasis on CAN? That would mean she can't CHOOSE where she sits, that it must be dictated to her by another power. This is a MK Ultra brainwashing tactic to indoctrinate the viewer. It's a subtle hint to martial law, and has nods of Bubba Sparxxx....aka Rosa well.

 (Yes, Bubba Sparxxx and Rosa Parks are the same person. That's an entirely different conspiracy, though, and we don't have the short time to discuss all the details about Bubba Sparxxx traveling 28 years into the future, getting a sex change to become a woman, aging until 28 years later and dying his skin and fresh new vagina black, and then traveling back in time to the year 1955. So here's a picture instead.)

Look at her friends. It's like they're all trying their hardest to keep from laughing. Maybe Rebecca Black is mentally handicapped, so these kids not only feel obligated to pretend they are her friends, but also to help her and that creepy older black man with the video camera film their shitty music video. Look at their faces.

 These have to be the most awkward looking pieces of shit on camera I've ever seen. Not since I struggeled through the Cy-Ranch audio rapeage have my rustled been this jimmies.

Look at these assholes.

Also worth mentioning is Rebecca Blacks speech impediment. You'll notice that she seems to add the sound of "A" to all words, as if she's a Canadian or spending too much time with the Fonze.

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin’ in the front seat

Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

Do I really need to break it all down for you? It's plain as fucking (fri)day, they're weaving phrases of the occult with spells of the alchemist, raping your mind in more nooks, crannies, and orifices than you even realize exist.

At this point, the hook hits again, and all these strange 14 year old kids are walking around in the middle of a bunch of awkwardly parked cars. Of course they can't park, they still haven't gone to driving school, for fucks sake.
Oddly enough, ALL these kids seem to be driving cars without being intercepted by ANY police, or getting into any fender benders. But it isn't odd when you are aware of the conspiracy, because all the police in the world are in ARKS pockets. Not only that, but the police are intimidated by these prepubescent teens, likening them to a far creepier, modernized version of the "Children of the Corn."

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

Well of course you don't want the weekend to end, Rebecca, you're pure, undiluted evil and are thoroughly enjoying the pleasurable sensation of being an astral rapist. You would love nothing more than to perpetuate a Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray-esque scenario in which the world experiences Friday again and again; every day is Friday for years with this song on an endless repeat, playing from various locations, started at different times so it all meshes together into the most offensive sound to ever graze human ears, making people feel like they are literally being fucked in their ear canal.

It brings Rebecca great satisfaction knowing she forced people into astral therapy after astral raping them while moaning in Greshtiffoorapeulessian tongues they couldn't understand. And she full well knows she'll get away with it, too, because she IS the meddling kids it wasn't for. All these crimes she's committing against music...the countless horrible, unspeakable acts....the visual and musical atrocities all presented in this one music video....literally setting back the progress of society.....without even the slightest punishment for her behavoir. And that's because her handlers at ARK are all-powerful.

You see, the purse strings of ARK are the very puppet strings that control the entire world. And one of the puppet masters pulling these strings even makes a cameo in this very music video.

That's right, the creepy Usher-looking pedophile that's following these 14 year old kids around as they illegally operate motor vehicles is actually far more threatening and dangerous than his campy appearance, disarming persona and intensely underwhelming 'rap' verse would lead you to believe. Here's the lyrics to his Greshtiffoorapeulessian jibber-jabber tribe speak:

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat

(In the front seat)
In the back seat
(In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

You cannot deny this verse was designed to dumb down anyone who hears it. If you could hear an audio representation of your IQ dropping, this verse would be it, and if the IQ drop of billions simultaneously worldwide had a soundtrack, which it does, ARK would be providing every song on it, which they are, for the most part.

This guys name is Patrice Wilson, and he is no slouch. This man is so powerful, he refers to himself as "PATO," pronounced PEDO (rhymes with Play Dough) without even the slightest fear he will be arrested for molesting children. Those police are all on the ARK payroll, with ARK insurance and health coverage. They're not gonna bite the tit they're sucking milk out of.

You think I'm making this up? Go check it out on Wikipedia.

I'm not fucking lying. Why would I put this much energy into revealing these secrets if I was a pawn of ARK? In fact, I have a long standing rivalry with ARK nearly a decade old.

You see, the first ARK prototype was actually tested in my hometown when I was in the 7th grade. Members of the band were chosen FROM MY CLASS. I WAS THE ORIGINAL GUITARIST, HAND PICKED FOR THE FIRST ARK PROJECT. But because I showed too much promise early on as a musician, I was kicked out of the band, which sparked a rivalry between me and my former bandmates, and incidentally, me and ARK.

Enter Seraded.

I was the guitarist for Seraded for all of three hours before being kicked out. They were the original poster boys of the ARK institution. However, before they had a chance to rise to heights of popularity simply unheard of by any musician, at that point, I unintentionally ended their career before it gained its footing. I sent the link to their website to Something Awfuls "Awful Link of the Day," thus saving the world from an apocalypse of terrible music.

Awful link of the day 

I saved the world in the 7th grade. YOU'RE WELCOME. But Judgement Day was inevitable. I only postponed it temporarily, and in 2011 ARK made their infamous return to the spotlight with Rebecca Blacks Friday.

And because I stopped Seraded in the 7th grade, I'm being censored now, in the present, in the 17th grade. (Or, in other words, having graduated from high school about 5 years ago.) The stage name of my music career has been compromised.

You see, ARK recognized me as the guitarist they let go from their organization, and thus paid good money to have me censored from Google auto complete. Just a few weeks ago, "Jon of the Shred" would auto complete at "Jon O." But now, you must make it all the way to "Jon of the Shr" to get my name under auto complete. Clearly, this means ARK has paid the Illuminati to bribe Google to omit my stage name from Autocomplete, so as to stifle my message. Seriously, just look at the terms they suddenly replaced me with.

John of the Cross Spiritual Canticle? Really? How many people honestly searched for that crap? And do you know how I know this is censorship? Because my name is more popular than literally everything on that list. Seriously, search "Jon of" and you'll see I have the most results, collectively, on the first few pages, as well as the number 1 result with my Soundcloud.

Look closer at the link under me. The one called....Porta John. JON OF THE SHRED IS IN HIGHER DEMAND THAN PORTA JOHN PORTA-POTTIES. And yet I'm not on auto-complete? That's some fucking bullshit, and you know it!

See, unfortunately for me, as a musician it's necessary to become an Illuminati puppet to achieve any level of success. And I refused, flipping off both the Illuminati and their handlers, ARK, simultaneously. Having thwarted their attempts at world domination in the 7th grade with ONE email and ONE codename (Geddy Lee), I will now permanently be on their radar, scraping to get by with temp work, blacklisted from normal society, gangstalked by ARK agents and their underlings. That's what you get for standing up against oppression and speaking out against tyranny - you get blacklisted from mainstream culture and censored from Google autocomplete.

But your head must be all full of ideas, horribly conceived melodies,
and Greshtiffoorapeulessian jibber-jabber tribe speak. I'll allow you time to recover before we delve further into this damning conspiracy.


  1. That....was....beautiful.

  2. There are alot of musicians that still will not sell their soul to satan for fame and money. There are to many anyway!

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If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.