Monday, November 12, 2012

10,000 (Raising the Bar, Higher)

That's right. Sweet Funky Freedom has hit 10,000 views. I started this shit in April, crapping out 17 articles real fast like, then struggling through the next few months, eventually making a semi-recovery with my article about Gnarnia, which has received 755 views since it's release on August 14th.

I knew 10,000 was gonna be here soon. I even released a new banner and template for the blog, preemptively, because I can predict the future, bitch.

 I'm also quickly climbing the ranks of one of the random blog directories I threw my site on, Blog Log. I was 50 at first, then quickly shot up to 12 after posting my last article, and now I'm sitting in a cool 7th place, right behind the Boston Jew.

If all goes according to plan, ARK will call me out for calling them out, thus paving the way for the biggest feud in music history since Biggie vs. Tupac. They'll threaten lawsuits, and I'll get a shit-ton of publicity for my blog.

At some point, hopefully, Patrice himself will step out of the woodwork to defend his 'vision' of helping 'kids accomplish their dreams' (but what he really means is he is exploiting yuppie kids to fill his own pocket, completely indifferent that these Youtube videos will ultimately ruin any chances these little yuppie bastards had of a earning a career in music, at least, beyond ending up a novelty act), at which I point I really hope he'll say "If you're gonna pick on these kids music, why not make music yourself? At least they're making music!" Then I'll drop my secret weapon down on him, unleashing the fury of a thousand Hades when I show him my Soundcloud page to give my opinions a sincerity and legitimacy, using it all as a giant publicity stunt to get myself views, effectively raising the bar higher for society by showcasing a new approach to making music: ACTUALLY TRYING TO INNOVATE THE ART INSTEAD OF TRYING TO MAKE MONEY.

 Hell, exposing the ARK conspiracy was the biggest move this site as ever made. Since starting the writing of this article 5 minutes ago, I've gotten another few dozen hits. Maybe I should start promoting every article on the random sites I frequent some time.

That'd be about 350.

It's been another half-hour, roughly. Hit that landmark of 420 Daily Views. I wonder, out of all 420 people viewing that Rebecca Black article, how many think it's serious, especially considering the opening paragraph is completely nonsensical? Like, how many people are reading that article going "WTF is this dude talking about, there's no way he had dealings with Ark Music Factory in 2003. He's completely insane."
 I'm actually going to be making a parody music label, and if anyone wants to collaborate let me know. I'm going to call it "FART Music Factory," and my goal with every song will be to write the worst song of all-time. I want to make Rebecca Blacks "Friday" sound like fucking Vivaldi. 

THAT'S RIGHT. From 7th to 5th place, bitches, in literally an hours time from when I first started this article. I told you I was coming for you, Boston Jew! Now I moved up two spots, and am two ahead of you!

Blue skidoo, we can too!
I have a blue house with a blue window.
Blue is the colour of all that I wear.
Blue are the streets and all the trees are too.
I have a girlfriend and she is so blue.
Blue are the people here that walk around,
Blue like my corvette, it's standing outside.
Blue are the words I say and what I think.
Blue are the feelings that live inside me.

 Hey there mister blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Ev'rybody smiles at you

Do anything that you want to do, but uh-uh,
Honey, lay off of my shoes
Don't you step on my blue suede shoes.
You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

There's no one like you
I can't wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we'll do
I just want to be loved by you

We eat the night, we drink the time
Make our dreams come true
And hungry eyes are passing by
On streets we call the zoo  

So I had to update, with some of the responses to the article, because they are amusing.
 Insomniac stoner....I was writing this article, making the video and designing the images from the hours of midnight to roughly 5 AM, smoking several bowls of hash oil in the process. Anonymous Coward 27549851 is a wizard and a prophet.

Anonymous Coward 1535628 is clearly rather disturbed by the article. I consider this a huge win. These are members of Godlike Productions. It doesn't take a lot to rustle their jimmies, if their dog barks at 2 in the morning they wake up and grab their bug out bags, but it definitely takes a lot to disturb them. This guy even claims to have been mind raped from the astral planes.

 These last two are awesome. A case of the retarded...classic. And this second guy, he actually seems to think I dealt with Ark in 2003 or something, like, 8 years before they even released their first music video. I know there's some weirdos on the internet, but when the first two lines of a blog article are:
Hurry, get in! There's no time to explain, we must make haste!  
It would be logical to assume the article is going to be nonsensical jibberish. 
But it's not. I was completely serious in that ARK post, they need to be stopped. And I just discovered a statistic that makes me believe the conspiracy is even deeper than previously imagined. Just LOOK AT THIS:
555 views?! See, as I mentioned in my previous article, back in 6th or 7th grade I had a short, 3 hour stint as the guitarist of Seraded. We all shared a favorite band, between all 10 of our members - Slipknot. (It's why we had 10 members.) If you listen to their song, the Heretic Anthem, all will be revealed. The conspiracy plot thickens. That chorus ties this post and my last post together, through some strange, magical coincidence of chance and fate. The conspiracy strengthens, and the plot thickens!

The best thing about this article, is as I'm updating it every 10 or 15 minutes, literally NO ONE has read this fucking thing yet. So I've been talking to myself the entire time, updating absolutely no one. When they read, it's gonna be all one big post.


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If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.