Thursday, October 4, 2012

Lowering the Bar

Oh lawd, that new South Park that just aired a few hours ago was ridiculous. James Cameron literally "raising the bar"....Michelle Obama beating the piss out of Cartman....s'ghetti rasslin'....Randy Newman....the creators of South Park admitting on their show (breaking the 4th wall, as they oftentimes do in brilliant fashion) that they themselves are responsible for "lowering the bar"....and Honey Boo Boo.

Honey fuckin' Boo Boo.

I was completely unaware of Honey Boos Boos existence until Cartman brought her up in this episode, just like Kyle. After the episode finished, I was feeling adventurous enough to subject myself to the mental raping a reality show about a fat 6 year old trying to be a beauty queen would surely inflict. So I took a healthy rip from my bowl, and looked the little cunt up on Youtube.


Now I've been wasting hours of my life daily on the internet for over a decade. I've seen all kinds of things I wish that I could unsee, all kinds of despicable, deprived, fucked up, repugnant shit.

Rotten.com......
Two Girls One Cup.....
 Phonetrace.org.....
MyDeathSpace.....
Rantlister.com.....
Goatse.cx.....
Lemon Party.....


I've even seen an Asian chick fill her anus with several dozen living eels, with the help of a trusty Asian friend and a funnel, and then proceed to shoot them out of her asshole, at which point the other Asian girl sucks on and eats the Anus eels. 

I watched that video with a group of people, at like 3:15 AM, several hours after peaking on mushrooms. Because really, when else are you going to watch Asian woman shoot eels out of their asshole? At noon? It just isn't a daytime video. It's not something you're gonna take a gander at over brunch.

If for some reason you catch yourself watching an Asian woman shooting eels out of her asshole during the daytime, each window in your room would necessitate at least one blanket and one sheet to shield the room of the sunlight that may penetrate the unsettling darkness that fills a room just from this video being watched.




It's called Eel Soup, you dirty bastards. Go ahead, look it up, you know you want to.

And that video of Honey Boo Boo still appalled me. Even after Trey Parker and Matt Stone prepped the world on the horrors of Honey Boo Boo...even after seeing that little cunt parodied on South Park, in which she was given a pigs heart and wrestled Cartman in a pit of spaghetti and ketchup....even after years of subjecting myself to the diverse collection of horrors found on youtube....the real-life video of Honey Boo Boo still managed to shock, offend, and bewilder me. Honey Boo Boo must be stopped.



Her voice and body language is like an unholy combination of a southern drawl, a sassy black woman, and an excessively flamboyant homosexual. When she speaks, it's equivalent of hearing a group of Vietnamese people having their intestines pulled out of their mouths. And when she strikes a sassy little pose, it's as if her very being molests the energy and matter around her, an incomprehensible amount of atoms being violently raped by the second, just to allow her to draw breath.

And that name...dear lord, that name...HONEY BOO BOO.
 

Repeating meaningless one syllable words at the end of a phrase makes that phrase fucking annoying.

HONEY BOO BOO
LADY GAGA
OMEGA LA LA

It sounds fucking stupid. Shut the fuck up, and come up with a god damn name that isn't trying to be quirky. Omega La La? That's the best you could come up with for your album? It is physically painful to let these phrases roll around in my brain. Honey Boo Boo. Omega La La. Lady Gaga.


Just for creating that album name, and for making arguably the most annoying song of all-time, and basically being the Michael Cera of the jam scene, I've now associated you with Nazis, Rubblebucket. Hell, it's obvious enough that you're all more hipster than a turtle-neck sweater constructed from recycled black-framed glasses getting blown through a glory-hole at a Starbucks. And hipsters of such magnitudes are even worse than Nazis, so I'm doing your image a favor by associating you with Hitler.

You're welcome.

If you look closely at this powerful propaganda I designed (to drag Rubblebuckets reputation through the dirt and feces), you'll notice the dude on the far left already has excessive facial hair, far too much to give him an effective looking Hitler mustache. So I gave him Hitler mustache eye-brows instead. And I sincerely hope that's the first time Hitlers mustache has ever been used as someones eyebrows. I'm willing to wager it is. Let's see what other fun, magical places Hitlers mustache can end up.


I wonder how many ladies took the Hitler mustache ride?

But South Park raised a good question tonight....is Honey Boo Boo the high water mark of failure? Or is it just a stepping stone to something around the corner that is far worse?  And are Hitler mustache landing strips and Hitler mustache eyebrows the new low point of this site?

6 comments:

  1. I first found this Honey Boo Boo clip on Reddit.com because a bunch of dumbasses decided that this was so horrible that they upvoted it to the front page to show everybody how shitty it was. This bullshit should have been buried in downvotes and not spread across the internet.

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    Replies
    1. So basically, Honey Boo Boos rise to fame closely parallels the story of AIDs.

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    2. Pretty much. You should post something awesome on your next article.

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    3. How about Resident Evil 6 and Gangnam Style?

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  2. Replies
    1. My next article is "Raising the Bar." It coincides with the release of several other things I've been working on. Might be my longest rant ever.

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If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.