Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Happy Happy Halloween...Silver Shamrock

Readers, I'm pissed off. Not only did Hurricane Sandy Vagina take out my power for the past 4 days, but I missed out on my favorite holiday of the year (besides my birthday): HALLOWEEN. Last year I was in New York City for Halloween. I even hopped the barricade and joined the parade. I can't fucking believe it...I completely missed out on hot bitches in slutty costumes. So I begrudgingly present to you this article, which consists of random observations pertaining to this great holiday.

  • I thought of a great pickup line to use on this holiday. Pick any unsuspecting stranger, and approach in as non-creepy a fashion as possible. Now ideally, you'll want her to ask you "What are you supposed to be for Halloween?" To which you reply, "INSIDE YOU" while maintaining a straight face. If that doesn't work, you'll have to fish a bit. "So...what do you think of my costume?" Work for it, you'll definitely get laid. Bitches love being slutty on Halloween.
  • This great holiday should really be held once a month. And even if it isn't called Halloween, at least dedicate one day every month to free candy, girls dressing up in slutty costumes, and the appreciation of horror movies. There really isn't enough gore on TV. Or tits. But tits outta be on TV year round.
  • I wonder if people that live in windowless vans get trick-or-treaters 
  • I went to the mall to pick up Assassins Creed 3. Kids were trick or treating at the mall. What a limp-wristed generation of wusses. They should be smashing pumpkins, egging houses, and using toilet paper for something other than wiping their asses with. Hell, even some of the straggler treaters, the kids too old to be trick or treating, were doing it at the mall. And THEY should be drinking vodka in the woods and scaring little children. Not trick or treating indoors at a mall.
  • I also noticed at the mall, a kid wearing a Waluigi costume. Waluigi? Really? What in the fuck was this kid thinking? In fact, what were Nintendo thinking letting that character get passed the smoke filled board room he was conceived in? That is one idea-fetus that should have been aborted and flushed. I take it a lot of cough medicine was involved in the creation of Waluigi. It boggles my mind that the same people who managed to make a game about a plumber addicted to hallucinogens running around an unfamiliar dimension, abusing the native animals (mostly turtles and flowers with teeth) and eating excessive amounts of mushrooms acceptable to market to children had trouble thinking of a clever bizarro Luigi.
  • You should probably be listening to some Halloween themed music.

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