Thursday, October 4, 2012

Buy Some Better Weed, People

So the new Resident Evil just dropped on Tuesday. Anyone else buy it? What's that, you say? You didn't buy it because of the reviews?

People are offended by this product at such profound levels. "This is even worse than Resident Evil 5! What the fuck?!" Or, "Capcom are dirty whores, and their building deserves to be leveled by suicide bombers, and all the survivors of the bombing from the staff should catch AIDs! Even the janitor!" Or, "I'd rather watch Mitt Romney eat the contents of Obama's anus with a spoon than play one more second of this shitty game!"

Listen, folks, how about you shut the fuck up and finish the game before you fuck up its score on Metacritic.

Really? A 0.7 out of 10? That is nowhere near a reasonable score to give a game such as this. It is literally impossible for a game with a budget and scope as big as Resident Evil 6 to score under a 5. There, I said it. I'm supporting something for a change, instead of knocking it down and kicking it in the face until it gets a concussion.
RE6 has 4 campaigns, each with a different core game-play mechanic. (So if you were reasonable and gave the game 1 point for each campaign, and then a point for the graphics, and another point for the sound, it'd already be at a 6. Like the game or not, you can't deny Capcom put a lot of effort into this title. No, it isn't a stylistic remake of Resident Evil 2, but it's fun to play if you give it more than 10 minutes.)

 Leon is as close to survival horror as you're gonna get. Jake is a 'run from the giant boss you know you can only kill at the end of the game'. Ada Wong is a puzzle based campaign. And Chris Redfield is what Operation Raccoon City would have been if was actually good.

Speaking of Raccoon City.....

Oh, come on! You idiots gave Raccoon City a 5.3 and Resident Evil 6 a .7? How the fuck does that happen? Obviously expectations for Raccoon City were low from the start, and impossibly high for RE6, but this is just retarded.
Yes, I bought the game, and I'm not just pretending to enjoy it to 'justify my $60'. I actually have generally enjoyed the game thus far. I pack myself a fat bowl of kind bud, turn off all the lights, play an action packed chapter, and then return to my pressing responsibilities of being an asshole on the internet.

Maybe that's the problem right there with these people. Maybe they're smoking shitty weed. They must be smoking that Mexican dirt weed, toking up on some shwag as they charge their wireless controller. Buy better weed, it'll bring things into a clearer, more pleasant, stonier perspective.

 It's like people are too sober, these days, and it's causing them to lose their tastes. People overrate the shit out of stupid garbage like the Call of Duty series, and Madden. But if they smoked a bowl and tried to play these games, they'd realize there's no substance. It's like working on an assembly line. Same shit, over and over again.

Madden NFL 13 gets a fuckin' 6/10? You've bought this same exact game, 7 TIMES already, and you're giving it a 6.0? If anything, here's the game that should warrant a score of 0.7 - Madden NFL. It's the same shit, every fucking game, with a roster change. How about giving the roster updates through DLC for FREE instead of rehashing the same game every year with meaningless new features every three years like the 'hit-stick'. Better yet, why the fuck would you waste $60 to play a sports game? Of all the interesting games you could play, all the gaming worlds you could immerse yourself in to forget about that shitty 9-5 and how your ex-girlfriend is porking your best friend, and you choose a sports game? Sports games haven't been fun since NHL '96 and NBA Jams.

Walking away from a session of playing Madden online, I assume people feel as though they are in a daze, that they lost a considerable amount of brain cells and wasted a considerable amount of time off their play a fuckin' sports game.

But when they play Resident Evil 6? I would say they emerge from those gaming sessions, having killed several dozen zombies and mutants for a few hours a better person.

The graphics and cinematic cut-scenes are extremely well-done. Much like other games that have started to move towards big set pieces to enhance the immersion effect, such as the Uncharted series, Resident Evil has the tense atmosphere of a big budget action-horror movie worth watching more than once. This gives me all the time needed to continue to rip my bowl or bong during game play, thus providing welcome "pot breaks" as well as increasing the immersion factor.

If anything, Resident Evil 6 is a more successful movie than those shitty Paul W.S. Anderson movies. He should just call those horrible flicks "Alice." They are far worse than any game in the series could ever hope to be.

In fact, that's the vibe I get from this game. It's a big "FUCK YOU!" to mindless games that rehash the same shit with new maps every year, like Call of Duty, and a giant middle finger to Paul W.S. Anderson for ruining any possibility of a good Resident Evil movie. They're trying to prove they can make a more captivating cinematic experience than all the horrible Resident Evil flicks combined. That they could take elements that originally wowed us from now waning franchises, like Call of Duty, and make them interesting when used in new contexts. The effort put into this game is easily noticeable, and it's a disservice to the company that made the game to rate it lower than a 5.
But speaking of Paul W.S. Anderson, that's when the Resident Evil games will officially jump the shark. When they introduce "Alice" into the game universe.
Paul W.S. Anderson will direct the game and oversee it's production. Alice will be so powerful, the entire game will be just like "Super Press Space Bar To Win," just with bigger production values and plot-twists. You will not be able to die, because that's how badass Milla Jovovich is.

If the Milla Jovovich from the Fifth Element, Leeloo, met the Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil, Leeloo would be tonguing the fuck outta Alices gash, just so she wouldn't get her ass kicked. She'd be all up in there.

All right, I'm getting carried away here. The Resident Evil movies deserve an article entirely unto themselves, that's how insanely corny and bland they are.

People seem to think hating on anything that is popular sets them apart from the crowd, makes them hip and edgy and cool. But if you intentionally hate on something just to stand out from the crowd, the shepherd is STILL herding you, is STILL controlling the flow of your movement through life. Being a black sheep is still being a sheep.

Take Gangnam Style, for example.

I didn't know what to expect when I kept hearing people reference Gangnam Style. The term itself started to annoy me, just because it became so well known overnight. Anything that appears to become a staple of culture overnight is immediately annoying.

Needless to say, I fully expected to break at least two windows in my house after watching the video. But for the sake of science, I had to see what the fuss was about. I took the plunge and, just like before watching Honey Boo Boo on youtube.....just like before playing a round of Resident Evil....I took an insane rip off my bowl and proceeded with caution thrown to the wind.

Shockingly enough, my jimmies remained unrustled. I was actually somewhat happy this was what everyone was raving about. And I'm gonna tell you why.

First of all, the production of the track is actually pretty good. The synths sound crispy, the prechorus hook is as infectiously catchy as herpes, and despite the simplicity of the music itself, it has a more....musical quality to it than most pop does. In other words, you can tell by the vocal melodies, chord progressions, and the arrangement of the song that these people aren't talentless hacks. They know how to write a song. Its a catchy song, in a good way. And big bonus points on the glitch in the song matching the glitch in the music video when the guy is screaming at the girls ass. Hilarious touch. Which brings me to my second point....

The music video is goofy and entertaining. It's weird, unsettling South Korean humor. This isn't some 80 lb pop star with perky tits singing about heart break over generic, soulless music. It's a creepy, fat, middle aged dude busting out awkward dance moves and belting out lyrics in a language most people that hear the song don't even understand over cheesy synthesizer electro pop. Look up the translation for the lyrics, by the way. They're as fucking stupid as you'd expect them to be. Which in a roundabout way, brings me to my third, and most important point:

Gangnam Style does not take itself seriously at all. It has self-awareness, unlike most pop music. Therein lies the factor that makes Gangnam Style endearing: it's taking the piss out of itself. It's making fun of itself. It realize it sucks, and does the best with what it has.

In light of the 4 minutes of research that was watching the music video, I decided Gangnam Style wasn't all that bad. Ya know, for once, I can comfortably join the flock, to walk amongst these inferior humans and marvel at their lack of intellect and cultural independence.

Stop letting the flow of the mainstream dictate your opinions and tastes. Whether you're attempting to swim with the tide or swim against the tide, your swimming is still being entirely influenced by the tide either way. That's why I say....get out of the water, walk along the stream, and smoke a few spliffs on the way to your destination. You can't smoke spliffs while you're swimming.


  1. Awesome article. I played the Resident Evil 6 demo and it seemed fun enough. Super Press Space Bar To Win is fucking awesome though. You should check out this fucking funny spoken word animation that was taken from a shitty review of Super Press Space Bar To Win:

  2. Dot Dot Dot is better than the game itself. I found the game after watching the movie about a year or two ago, so classic.

  3. What's up to all, the contents existing at this site are really awesome for people knowledge, well, keep up the good work fellows.....
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    1. What is this bullshit? I can get free soundcloud plays just from making good music. Get the fuck outta here with that spammy ass bullshit, negro. Jive ass mothafucka


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