Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Happy Happy Halloween...Silver Shamrock

Readers, I'm pissed off. Not only did Hurricane Sandy Vagina take out my power for the past 4 days, but I missed out on my favorite holiday of the year (besides my birthday): HALLOWEEN. Last year I was in New York City for Halloween. I even hopped the barricade and joined the parade. I can't fucking believe it...I completely missed out on hot bitches in slutty costumes. So I begrudgingly present to you this article, which consists of random observations pertaining to this great holiday.

  • I thought of a great pickup line to use on this holiday. Pick any unsuspecting stranger, and approach in as non-creepy a fashion as possible. Now ideally, you'll want her to ask you "What are you supposed to be for Halloween?" To which you reply, "INSIDE YOU" while maintaining a straight face. If that doesn't work, you'll have to fish a bit. "So...what do you think of my costume?" Work for it, you'll definitely get laid. Bitches love being slutty on Halloween.
  • This great holiday should really be held once a month. And even if it isn't called Halloween, at least dedicate one day every month to free candy, girls dressing up in slutty costumes, and the appreciation of horror movies. There really isn't enough gore on TV. Or tits. But tits outta be on TV year round.
  • I wonder if people that live in windowless vans get trick-or-treaters 
  • I went to the mall to pick up Assassins Creed 3. Kids were trick or treating at the mall. What a limp-wristed generation of wusses. They should be smashing pumpkins, egging houses, and using toilet paper for something other than wiping their asses with. Hell, even some of the straggler treaters, the kids too old to be trick or treating, were doing it at the mall. And THEY should be drinking vodka in the woods and scaring little children. Not trick or treating indoors at a mall.
  • I also noticed at the mall, a kid wearing a Waluigi costume. Waluigi? Really? What in the fuck was this kid thinking? In fact, what were Nintendo thinking letting that character get passed the smoke filled board room he was conceived in? That is one idea-fetus that should have been aborted and flushed. I take it a lot of cough medicine was involved in the creation of Waluigi. It boggles my mind that the same people who managed to make a game about a plumber addicted to hallucinogens running around an unfamiliar dimension, abusing the native animals (mostly turtles and flowers with teeth) and eating excessive amounts of mushrooms acceptable to market to children had trouble thinking of a clever bizarro Luigi.
  • You should probably be listening to some Halloween themed music.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Hey Blogger.....

Stop changing the fucking size and style of my font. It's really fucking time consuming fixing all the bullshit errors this crappy blog host creates.

Also, by the way, I spelled all those words right. Spell check is having a seizure every time I attempt to use your website to post, but not on any other website. What the fuck, blogger?

I'm about to switch to a different blog service.
 I mean, I'd just give up entirely, but that would make too many people happy.


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Voting is like setting yourself on fire, then pissing in the wind to put it out

Voting is like setting yourself on fire, and then pissing in the wind to put it out.

"Golly gee whiz, I get to pick ONE of the TWO choices to run the country further into the ground, you say?! Both of which are hand-picked puppet figureheads, bought and paid for by the very people with all actual power and influence?! Let me go buy 15 American Flags and erect them from various orifices in my body as I sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards in Latin."

I wonder when voting became obsolete? Obviously it wasn't an exact moment kind of thing. That's not what I'm suggesting. It had to have been gradual. Society didn't go from the invention of the automobile and television, directly to $4.00 a gallon for gas, Jersey Shore, and Honey Boo Boo. It wasn't like the Depression ended, and 3 weeks later girls weren't wearing bras and cops were pepper spraying puppies for sleeping too loud.

(Much like the Hitler mustache eyebrows a few articles back, I sincerely hope this is the first ever depiction of two Illuminati pyramids playing a game of POGs. And if not, at least its the first depiction of two Illuminati pyramids playing a game of POGS in front of an image of Waco burning. And if its not the first depiction of two Illuminati pyramids playing a game of POGs in front of an image of Waco burning, then fuck this shit, the Simpsons have done everything.)

As I was saying, obviously it wasn't a seamless transition. We didn't just immediately lose the right to vote after a casual game of pogs. From this guys extremely uneducated and increasingly indifferent perspective, I assume it went down something like this:

As the country grew and prospered, the solitary groups holding the most power started to form alliances, which essentially meant tolerating each others sickeningly evil auras so they could further their own agendas. 

I imagine this process looked something like this:

The groups soon realized their wallets had become so full, they could give politicians 'weekly allowances' to influence the law itself, both to protect themselves and to eliminate any enemies. This probably started on a local level, and expanded there to the state level. Flash forward 50 years, and presidents are now nothing more than a hologram - a hollow authority used to keep people vaguely invested in the idea they are free. A puppet either bought and paid for as they are campaigning, or perhaps groomed at a much younger point.

If for some convoluted cluster fuck of a reason a person got elected president that this secretive elite didn't want in office, they would see to it the new president elect saw things their way, first with money. If that didn't work, the aforementioned elite actually running the country (and, to an extent, a portion of the world beyond just a single country, I'm sure) sit the president down and tell him exactly what's going to happen if he keeps resisting their supremacy. The president is informed that he is now a pawn and will do exactly as he is told and if he doesn't, people on the History Channel will be dissecting his assassination and making fun of the rumored theory of a 3rd group of shooters from a mossy mound in less than a decades time.

 Then we get these ridiculous false flags to keep the stupider people invested in the president, like it's just some fucking reality show at this point. 

The only bribes that matter don't happen publicly, asshole. But of course you know're Donald Trump. Every conspiracy theorist out there damn well knows the whole Donald Trump vs. Obama thing is a horribly conceived false flag. These guys are probably giving each other rim jobs RIGHT NOW as Jay-Z films it while Kanye West sucks his dick and Michelle Obama rapes his asshole with her penis.

At this rate, by the year 2050, the president will be decided in a Hell in a Cell cage match, refereed by blindfolded midgets in ballerina outfits, as transvestite cheerleaders backflip off the turnbuckles into kiddie pools of raver vomit.

(Insert image of Hell in a Cell cage match refereed by blindfolded midgets in ballerina outfits as transvestite cheerleaders backflip off the turnbuckles into kiddie pools of raver vomit here)

You think we actually have a choice? You think voting matters? Then why are we only choosing between two people? WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ONLY CHOOSING BETWEEN TWO FUCKING PEOPLE?!?!

 Does no one else think it's completely ridiculous there's only TWO people to choose from? And not only that, but they must have specific political party affiliation in order for ballot inclusion eligibility? From wikipedia:

As of October 1, 2012 the United States had a total resident population of 314,648,000"

314,680,000 people and we're choosing between 2 candidates on a little slip of paper? 

Why is there even a need for a president? There should be a PRESIDENT for each state. Oh wait, that's congress, and they're all fucked up and corrupt for the most part too. How the fuck did we get into this mess? With absolutely no one in power who gives a shit about anyone but themselves? There's only one solution....  

Fuck voting - I say, cut out the middle man, and do whatever the fuck you want. Who gives a shit about what the law is? The people making laws broke laws to gain the authority to tell other people what to do, so FUCK THEM. Just make sure you don't hurt anyone else in the process of enjoying your freedom. And don't get caught doing anything 'illegal.'

Go steal cough medicine from a Wal-Mart so you can trip balls when you're pirating music and movies later on the internet. Go buy yourself a hooker and tell her those fake eerings that you stole (while stealing the cough medicine at Wal-Mart) are gold so she'll let you go in raw dog. Candy Hippy-Robo-Trip while Chasing the Speedballing Crack Dragon. (Just don't go in public in that mind-state.)

Vermin Supreme 2012, or anarchy. There is literally no other option.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Step Brothers: The Incredible Journey

If Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey and Step Brothers have two things in common, the second thing is definitely that they're both excellent movies to sit down to after ripping gravity bong. But what's the first thing they have in common? To even attempt to answer that question, I'll have to start from the beginning.

Look at it. LOOK AT IT! Bask in the glory of one of the best movies of your childhood. That look of fierce determination on Shadows face as he valiantly rescues the hysterical Sassy and smugly indifferent Chance. Pure sexual magic. Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey is right up there with all the best movies of our generations childhood. Movies like....

The Brave Little Toaster, the compelling documentary that depicts the origins of Skynet.

 What I don't really get about the Brave Little Toaster, is why the kid going to college has such an unhealthy obsession with his electronics devices? Considering he doesn't even know they're alive, they should have no significance in this persons life. 

Andy and his toys in Toy Story makes more sense. While Andy is still a giant fuckin' pussy for being so attached to his play things, at least they have nostalgic impact. I can understand being a bit misty eyed looking back on how much easier and carefree life was as a child, before the shit-storm of reality hits and you're drowning in the mediocrity of an unforgiving society. But I manned the fuck up when I hit 13 and gave away my stash of Legos, the entire collection, and not a single tear was shed. Granted, I regret that decision to this day, 10 years later, because shit, I could be making stop animation movies about a zombie lego apocalypse for stoners to giggle at RIGHT NOW....but I don't fucking tear up when I think about them.

 It's a mystery how this guy on the Brave Little Toaster even has a girlfriend. Makes me feel like a fucking loser, that this fictional character that faps when he thinks about his desk lamp is getting tail and I'm not. What the fuck? How does he keep her interested when all he thinks about are his electronics devices? Especially considering she's of seemingly black origin? The Brave Little Toaster was a brave little movie that chose to present an interracial relationship to young children.

I mean really, I'd understand his attachment if he realized they were alive and had deep philosophical conversations with them over fat joints....but they play dead whenever he's around. It's kinda creepy, both the Masters attachment to his seemingly inanimate objects, AND their choice to silently observe him, watching, waiting...the way a 55 year old sex offender driving a windowless van watches the kids on a playground...calm, collected, detached from reality, ready to strike.
I don't like the notion of the government using electronics devices to spy on us enough as it is. But if those devices had minds of their own? Always watching? Silently? That's some creepy shit.

I found this image on Google. I wonder how many childhoods it's ruined? It didn't ruin mine, thankfully; I was watching South Park religiously in the 2nd grade.

, who has an emotional connection to toasters, vacuum cleaners, and lamps?

You think the thought of the characters from the movie watching you in silence is creepy? Well check out the cover of the book that inspired it. Holy fuck, I wouldn't want that blanket in the same state as me, nevermind wrapped around me while I sleep.


So where are the cast now, you may ask? The gang is still mostly together. Lamp ended up burning out, and it brought the group even closer together after having to bury their friend. Blanket turned gray (we all knew that little bitch was gray) and they tried to fill the void left behind by Lamp with two new friends: a GPS and a camera. (Camera isn't pictured because he took the picture himself. He doesn't like his picture taken, either.

Although the GPS has proven very useful when they need to stalk their Master through swamps and over fucking mountains, they still miss Lamp dearly.
Funny side note, the air conditioning unit actually got arrested for exposing young girls by blasting well-timed drafts of crisp, cool air. In the creepy AC Units defense, jailbait should probably be wearing panties. And shaving their bush.
I also found this on Google Images, and while I laughed at it myself, I am rather disappointed it might be funnier and more fucked up than the bulk of original content in this article combined....fffuuuu-
Ya know, modern cinema could really learn from the Brave Little Toaster. We could really use more "inanimate objects spring to life" movies. Imagine, teaching kids about life issues, like the dangers of racism, for example...with a cheerful story about electronic devices?

Speaking of racism, who remembers the majestic "Land Before Time?" The pre-Jurassic Park go-to-dinosaur movie, LBT was about racial tensions and global disasters in prehistoric times. They even had a system of slurs based on dinosaur stereotypes to acknowledge each other, such as "Long Necks" and "Three Horns." (It's not racist when a stegosaurus refers to another stegosaurus as a Three Horn, but it's racist if anyone else uses the term to describe a stegosaurus.)

Then there was Dunston Checks In. A prequel to Seinfeld. George Costanza works at a hotel with Pee Wee Herman, leaving him no time to spend with his son. ENTER DUNSTON.

The frustrated child, being completely unsupervised for the majority of the film, finds the disgruntled Orangutan, and the two enter a homosexual interspecies relationship. Hilarity ensues!

The movie didn't really break new ground - as was common knowledge, Disney had been dealing with zoophilia and incestual themes for decades already, at this point. But what it lacked in originality, it more than made up for in the raw sexual chemistry between the orangutan and the kid from the Wonder Years. They wrench the viewers heart strings with a pair of spell-blinding, Grammy award winning performances.

The unorthodox relationship in "Dunston Checks In" was disturbing at best, and horrifically wrong at worst. But the relationship brewing in Blank Check, on the other hand, was another movie altogether, and far more endearing.

I seriously thought that kid had a chance with her when I watched this movie at 10 years old. I was all like,

"This kid thinks just like me. He's such a fucking boss. First, he completely screws over some fascist, corporate millionaire butthole for running over his bike and nearly killing him. Then he outsmarts OJ Simpson.

Then, he sticks it to his parents and buys his own mansion, complete with water slide and 3 story high screen to play video games on. THEN, he hires Chris Farley as his slave, to drive him around in
a limo and just chill out and be his bro. And finally, he macks it to the hottie from the banks thats like, three times his age. Screw that pussy Richie Rich, this kid would whoop Richie Richs ass then fuck his sister."

Just goes to show, all bitches give a shit about are money and social status. This kid is like 10, and she's in her 30's. But the second he starts slinging his 2 inch, prepubescent wang around after dipping it into gold dust, she's all moist and dry humping his leg in the water sprinklers.

Of course, there was also Heavy Weights which, to this day, simultaneously serves as both Judd Appatow and Ben Stillers crowning achievements. It taught us that not only is child obesity completely fine, but hilarious as well. 

But I'm going way off subject here, we're talking about Homeward Bound, here!

And so...we finally arrive back at Homeward Bound. What a glorious movie. Sure, it's corny as hell, but I was 5 years old when it was released. So fuck off, Lahey. When I was five, I didn't notice the extremely creepy relationship between Peter and Shadow.

Nor did I notice how socially awkward the kids were, and how much they relied on their pets to cope with their shitty existence. It's like they didn't play video games, or sports, or have any friends. No hobbies, no talent, for their pets. Kind of sad, really. These little kids are bitching and moaning about their pets. Meanwhile, said pets are fighting bears, porcupines and mountain lions, falling down water falls, and escaping prison not once, but two times, all the while traveling hundreds of miles to be reacquainted with their owners.

I guess they needed the kids to act like such mega bitches to give the ending a more palatable emotional punch. But I think it would have been way funnier if they returned, only to find out the kids had all moved on and gotten new pets.

"Shit....this is awkward."

Chances owner gets into his 'reptile' phase, and now has a snake, several frogs, and a turtle named Donatello. (Yea, that kid was a little bitch, of course he'd name his turtle after the lamest Ninja Turtle.)

Peter couldn't put up with the sexual frustration he was having without Shadow to lick the peanut butter out of his asshole. So he started frequenting the gay clubs of San Francisco and eventually bought himself a gerbil and some hamsters.

And the little girl who owned the cunty cat would have dulled her pain and numbed her misery with a diverse selection of illegal substances, drowning her sorrows with booze when she ran out of heroin to inject into her eyelids.

At this point, I know you're wondering what the fuck the first thing this movie has in common" with Step Brothers is. How exactly does a movie about lost pets - a touching film full of courage, betrayal, and sexual magic - tie in to a movie about what my generation will all inevitably wind up as when we are in our mid 30's?

Actually, you probably aren't thinking that at all, because I ended up reviewing, like, 4 other movies before ever revealing the initial point I was trying to make from the start of the article. So you completely forgot about the Step Brothers = Homeward Bound: The Incredible Story connection. My bad. Let me just put it to you this way. 

The cast of Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey may be long dead, but they influence us all to this very day. Their timeless and eternal.


Don't believe me? Check out this clip from Step Brothers.

 Skip to 4:45, and you'll hear a recognizable melody. Recognizable because it's the theme song from Homeward Bound. I'm seriously.

That very observation is what inspired this entire article. It's the snowball effect meets complete insanity.