Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Shove Your Religion Up Your Ass

You can take your religion, your faith, whatever you want to call it...and you can shove it right up your ass. That way, whenever you take a shit, you can smell the product of your beliefs, see how it smells to everyone else. If you're feeling extra daring, you can grab the most extravagant morsel of poo, eat it, and TASTE what your faith is like. (Make sure to chew it thoroughly for proper re-digestion.) Or, if you're feeling extra festive, like the 508 Wormtown crew, you can ferment that feces, sealing it in an air-tight container. Expose this container to direct sunlight for at least five hours, at which time you can huff it and get HIGH on're literally getting high on God. I say this because if religion were a'd be equivalent to jenkems.

This article is about religion in general. I'm not just pointing a finger at the batshit crazy evangelist Christians, nor am I directly talking to the filthy, greedy Jews from Israel. Nor am I just talking to all of the Muslims with sand all up in their vagina, actually murdering people over the most subtle reasons. Or even the silly Satanists, who do NOT worship Satan, but actually worship themselves.

Buddhists are cool in my book, though. You guys can get out of here, you're too zen to be caught in the crossfire of hatred and self-entitlement the rest of these religions seem to represent and glorify.

Although religion started to rustle my jimmies as a child who went to church every Sunday (holy shit was that fucking boring...the only thing interesting was scoping the church for 'innocent' Christian chicks dressed in their Sunday best, and imagining them removing their Sunday best), only recently have I found it necessary to rant about it on this blog. This article was prompted by the recent attacks on embassies by Muslims, attacks that were prompted by.....depictions of their prophet Muhammed.

Really? Can you get over it, already? Just shut the fuck up, and deal. There is more pressing issues our world is facing than cartoon depictions of fictional characters.

Who gives a fuck? It's a comedic depiction of your prophet. If he is an all powerful being, as you suggest, why the fuck would it matter if he is depicted in an unfavorable fashion? Isn't YOUR fanaticism enough support? You guys are willing to KILL YOURSELVES to prove your faith...why not prove your faith by abstaining from violence and turning the other cheek? Apparently, that would be an even more difficult task for some of the more fanatical of you than strapping bombs to your chest. You're ruining your faith for all the normal Muslims, ya know, the ones that don't kill people over spilt milk.

NOTHING and NO ONE is above trolling, all right? EVERYTHING can be made fun of, there is literally nothing off limits in this day and age, and to think the depiction of some fictional character is punishable by death is retarded. If anything...

Anyone willing to kill someone over a depiction of Mohammed should be shot, point-blank, in the face, so that they will not pass their genes on. Their gene-pool needs to be stopped. I am all for freedom of speech...when it doesn't involve murdering someone over drawing a cartoon. Fucking idiots.

I can see why you are all so pissed off. Living in the ass crack of a desert, sand all up in your vagina. You can't jack off, you have strict limitations on what you can eat, what you can watch, who you can associate with. All your women are covered from head to toe, its hot as balls out...I'd hate my life too. So what's the best solution? I don't know, maybe...revise your religion so it isn't so prude? Slacken it up a bit? Loosen your belts? ENJOY life, instead of being a slave to such a strict set of ridiculous rules and boundaries?

Wanna see some poetic justice?

Holy shit, is that ironic. If that isn't the most ironic news article you've read this year, please, enlighten me on the article that trumps this one. (I bet the US Flag was Made in China.)

So anyway, while all this shit is going down...Pakistani folk dying from the fumes of burning US flags (Made in China)...embassies around the globe are being attacked and pillaged by raving fanatics....tensions rise between Japan and China, and tensions rise between Iran and Israel....the world collectively holding its breath, being even closer to the onset of World War III....

.....and Obama is busy........

......partying with Beyonce and Jay-Z?

You couldn't have cancelled this event, dude? Maybe reschedule it a month later or something? You pompous asshole. I know, I know...the presidential seat of power actually comes with a set of puppet strings, and you're just going by the outline the shadow government has given you, but god least act the part. Pretend you are something more than a figurehead and celebrity. Give the people a more solid illusion of choice, instead of half-assing it to such an extent. Every time a crisis hits, you're either sucking celebrity dick or playing golf...why not try to act like a LEADER, you piece of Kenyan shit.

And god damn, is Jay-Z one fugly son of a bitch. There's a shit-ton of people convinced that Obama is the antichrist....but damn....I'd think Jay-Z looks the part a bit more, in this side-by-side comparison. Hell, he even named his kid "Blue Ivy." Mix those letters around and you get "Buy Evil." Pretty much a summary of anyone paying to listen to Jay-Z's music - they're buying evil, supporting evil, funding evil.

Beyonce, meanwhile, is looking slamming as always. Too bad she had to marry Jay-Z, the man who has an Illuminati fist so far up his puppet ass, you can see them flipping you off every time he opens his mouth. He named his fucking company Roc-a-Fella. What an asshole.

But I digress....

Why should this guy who is supposed to be president ignore the CURRENT problems of the world...the Middle East is literally up in flames...World War III's brown eye is winking at the world, about to shit all over everything.....and yet instead of acknowledging these problems, Obama instead chooses to attend a fundraiser to get him RE-ELECTED?

He is basically CUTTING WORK so he can KEEP HIS JOB.

This world is fucking stupid. My jimmies...they are rustled something fierce...someone save the jimmies...I need to take a puff of this marijuana inhaler....there we go.

I can't continue this, it is giving me a headache and I have better things to occupy my time with than ranting about this bullshit. Like Mass Effect 3, and producing bitching new music. Consider this the first installment in a series of religious articles, because I haven't even gotten past Muslims yet. And I don't want Christians to feel safe. That is, unless I get murdered for recycling other peoples depictions of the prophet Muhammad on my unpopular blog.


  1. Shit like this makes me glad I was born and raised in the United States. If I was born in the middle east, I'd either run away to another country or commit suicide.

  2. Hey, do you have a Facebook account? I'd like to send you a friend request.

  3. Sure, I'll post it right here for you. That way, not only can you add me as a friend, but also whatever batshit crazy Muslim radical that sees this can send me anthrax in the mail. ;) PM me on rantlister

  4. Alright. I sent you a PM on Rantlister.

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If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.