Sunday, August 26, 2012

Get A Job, Hippie! (Part 2)

Here is the promised sequel to "Get A Job, Hippie!" Incidentally, I have found a construction job since then. (This was partially to continue fueling the fire of "YOU LOOK LIKE JESUS!" I hear on an almost daily basis. Hell, I already heard it at work once - walked into a pair of honeys on the job site, and they said "Jesus!" without even meaning to, then quickly apologized. So my decision to get a fitting profession as carpenter seems spot on. But don't you worry, ladies and gents, I don't plan on starting the Rapture any time soon. You can stop peppering your angus's until further notice.) 

Speaking of Jesus as a carpenter, I wonder if he had any comments as he was getting nailed to the cross?

The funny thing about construction jobs, is how it's populated by bad-ass laborers...the type of folk that, if you cut them off on a bad day, they will literally follow you until you stop your car.....then jump out of their truck, and bludgeon you with a cats paw until you have permanent brain damage (or worse)...and I don't blame them, after working a 51 hour work week, and then seeing how hard the government rapes you with taxes on the pay check, taking literally 1/3rd of my money so rich assholes can pamper themselves, bathing in $100 bills....I'm fully expecting to get just as pissy, especially considering how impatient with society I already am...taxes taken so those fascist assholes can build bigger bombs to shower on people in caves, as we all live underpaid and unappreciated...and those pricks in the government still tell us these idiots in a cave actually had the means to attack us with weapons they bought from some OTHER power-hungry nation sucking Israels cock and trying to usher in a NWO like some sick, corporate-fascist mutant child of Nazi Germany and the Roman Empire during its fall...

...populated by badass laborers, yet they all gossip and bitch like house-wives discussing the contestants of "Dancing With the Stars." If you learn one thing from your first week on a construction gig, it's that NO ONE is happy with ANYONE ELSES method on doing a job, unless it's the EXACT SAME WAY they themselves do it. Everyone's got advice, and over half the time it directly conflicts with someone else's opinion on how the same job is to be done. Which leads to a lot of conflict for the laborer just starting in the field. You start doing a task, and your second boss walks by, who then stops to berate you for doing your job 'wrong,' then explains a contradictory method on completing the task to the method you were originally told. This happens at least twice daily.

Another funny little chestnut of contradiction on these types of jobs, especially when you're just starting out, is how quick the other workers like to acknowledge your lack of experience....and yet get so frustrated and impatient when you don't know exactly what it is they're referring to when they ask you to grab some material, or complete a task. Ten minutes ago, you were telling me how much of a rookie I am, and yet now, you're upset that I don't share the wealth of knowledge your 20+ years as a carpenter has given you?

Note, that none of this really bugs me all that much, if at all, really, for several reasons. First, I understand exactly where they are coming from - they've been working their asses off and breaking their backs for decades...waking up at the ass-crack of dawn....driving 50 miles to work every day....then getting stuck in ridiculous traffic on the way home, which adds another hour and a half of travel to their transit, giving them even less time to relax when they get home, which is scant as it is...with maybe two dozen week long vacations in the last 20+ years. I get it, I'm sure I'll be just as pissed off as they will be when I get there - it's completely justifiable crabbiness. (Much like about 50% of what's on this blog - justifiable anger, spawned by the lack of intelligence and respect in our society....our society that's in a downward spiral to mediocrity and beyond.)
I just find these contradictory mindsets amusing and humorous, as a newcomer.

I also don't care because I actually like working. I grew up doing yard work every weekend, and I spent the better part of high school lifting weights several times a week, seeking peak physical perfection. If you ask me, people who prefer to sit around lazily likely have no ambition with anything...they have no hobbies, dreams or goals. It's hard for me to imagine them having much drive to pursue anything beyond a means to survive, if they can't do their fucking job at work. I'm not talking about stupid people, who might have a hard work ethic, but just don't know what the fuck is going on....but the literal LAZY people, who do their job as slow as possible and find every excuse to stand around doing nothing. Hey shithead, maybe the reason work sucks so bad is because you don't actually WORK, thus the day drags on and on. Why you feel like you're somehow above working to earn your keep is beyond me, maybe a bullet to the kneecap will justify your laziness. I always found the harder you work, the faster the day flies by. And you also feel a sense of pride in a job well done.

Just like the roar of a crowd when you're on stage ripping a tasty guitar solo, or the screams of pleasure from the satisfied groupie riding you reverse-cowgirl in your tent after the successful festival set...a job well done leaves you feeling accomplished.

Hell, you know what I actually think is the WORST part about work? (Aside from being expected to serve as a slave to a company with perfect attendance at the expense of life experience - should people really NEED to work the majority of a year to scrape by? Wasting their lives, only to struggle with their bills and let their hourglass run out as some asshole pushing buttons in an office makes three times as much hourly in air conditioning, without even breaking a sweat?)

It's filling out the job application, and actually getting hired.The job application process is the most tedious part of work. You gotta fill in 8 different sets of paperwork, all asking the same god-damn questions. Do you really need my address and social security on 8 different sets of documents? Couldn't we have streamlined this process into a less time-consuming and painful ordeal?

And what's the deal with the excessive amount of information required on work history? How the fuck am I supposed to remember the address of my last job, the number of said business, the name and number of the supervisor I had, exactly how long I worked their to the month, my job duties AND job title, and other unnecessary information? Doesn't the job title explain the job duties sufficiently enough? You know, geeze, for button pushers you guys sure aren't all that smart. Maybe I should be chilling in the AC, working on a computer all day and cursing like a sailor on my cell phone, choosing to hire only hot, 108 lb chicks so I have eye candy at the office where I exploit the hard laborers work, making an extra $30 an hour off them from the company I'm outsourcing them too, and filling my pockets of the sweat off their back.

How about those 100 question tests they have you fill out on every job application? 

Seriously, the job I just got hired at, had a 100 question test I took right after getting interviewed. All 100 questions were variations of 3 main questions:

  • Do you fight? (IE: Are you an asshole?)
  • Do you do drugs? (IE: Are you a junkie?)
  • Do you steal from work? (IE: Are you justifiably upset we make more money just for handing you sheets of paper to sign and setting you up at the computer to fill out these retarded us surveys, thus take back from the company fucking you despite you breaking your back for them?)

 Are there really jackasses out there who will admit, on a job application, that they steal from work? That they show up late, and do drugs recreationally once a week, and get into frequent fist fights? It's like the surveys give the survey-takers more options leaning towards positively identifying themselves as scumbags to weed out the idiots. Just because you only stole $5 - $10 a month from your job, doesn't mean it's gonna fly. I have a hard time believing ANYONE would click anything other than "Never" on the majority of questions on these tests.

These are along the general lines of questions I remember getting:

"Which types of drug do you do recreationally?

A. Speed, Meth, Cocaine
B. Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin
C. Heroin, Opium, Percocet
D.  Mushrooms, Acid, DMT
E. None of the Above

It's like, seriously, where the fuck is the ALL OF THE ABOVE option? 

Think about it: these surveys are just giving you options to fail. "How often do you get into fights on the job?" Followed by 3 responses indicating a time frame, and a 4th choice indicating irrelevance. A list of drugs, and then the single option to feign sobriety.

Drug tests are a silly concept, too. I can understand if someone is caught on the site nodding off in a pain-killer induced stupor, but why infringe on their rights to do what they please in the privacy of their own home? For all you know, they're getting the job for the sole purpose of feeding a cocaine habit. (Sounds like certain show promoters I used to work with. "Argh, me mateys!")

 And to not hire someone over smoking pot? That's fucking idiotic. It's contradictory, given the current state of sociological affairs in this and other countries, to expect people NOT TO FIGHT at work while COMPLETELY ABSTAINING from marijuana. Tensions are just too high in the current work climate. Make a compromise, ya shitheads, because all the laborers are certainly making a compromise, considering we're expected to piss our lives away to make enough money to get by as the CEOs of companies make out like bandits, making more money than they'll even spend. I'm just glad I took 5 years off, and that I didn't cut my hair to get hired to a job.

So I guess the moral of this random collection of thoughts regarding employment is...take 5 years off work, and enjoy your life for a little while. Even ONE year, people. It'd be a shame to die in the middle of your 17th year of consecutive 40+ hour work weeks, with very little left of a soul, and very little in the way of life experiences. Me, on the other hand? I just got off my almost consistent 5 year vacation (had a few jobs in the past 5 years, just none for longer than a few months), and now I'm looking to make some serious cash so I can invest in musical equipment that will eventually negate any need for me to break my back for chump change in the not-too-distant future. Now I just need to find the band I can plan this transition back to paid unemployment with....


  1. Fuck working a real job. I'd rather be self employed so I can eventually run a multi million dollar business, not stress myself out with work all day, go on constant vacations, and spend money on hobbies without worrying about running out of money. Fuck yes, this is the life!

  2. At this point I'm good for any job that doesn't have anything to do with phones. I'll wipe a person's ass before I work with phones again.

  3. I don't mind construction, in that it's temp work (I can take time off, refuse work for not paying enough, take time off to go play festival gigs, etc.) and that I actually enjoy pushing myself physically without doing it at a gym. Gyms are fucking lame, smell like feet, the hot girls feel violated when I eye-fuck them, and they play the shittiest music. Rather work out and get paid whilst doing so.

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