Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Super Mario All-Stars

In your mind, go back in time. The year is 1993. You wake up one snowy Christmas morning, but the tender age of 4 or 5; heavy bags under the eyes, for you had only had 3 hours of sleep - you had stayed up almost the entire night, setting up surveillance throughout the house, lying in wait like a ninja, waiting to ambush Santa, waiting until he was distracted as he gouged on free cookies and lukewarm milk, so you could stab him in the throat with a homemade toothbrush shank and steal all the bags of presents. To your wonderment and surprise, a brand new Super Nintendo Entertainment System awaited you, stacked with Super Mario All-Stars. Aw snap.

You quickly murdered countless of Koopas minions...scowling mushrooms with unibrows wearing fashionable boots...disgruntled turtles with popping out of pipes trying to tear your limbs asunder and feast on your flesh. But despite the odds, you became a champion of the game, rescuing Princess Peach.

You played as the fat, sexually frustrated Italian plumber named Mario, a tortured soul forever stuck in the friend-zone, desperately hoping for a taste of Peaches peaches and rescuing her in four different games. But it always seemed like all Mario got for his life-risking endeavors was a kiss on the cheek. Even her mushroom servants unintentionally mocked Mario.


 Those were the days. I remember when Super Mario World was first released, and playing with my younger cousins. I used to tell them they were playing as Yoshi so I could play more. Isn't that fucked up? I think that is the most offensive and morally reprehensible thing I've ever done.

To my defense, I was just trying to speed up the gaming process. A lot of the people I played Super Mario with back in the day had one terribly frustrating tendency to WALK through levels. You hold the 'Y' button with the edge of your thumb, and hit the "B" button to jump.

The name of the game is speed. Well, it's actually Super Mario All-Stars, but my point is...

Nothing was more frustrating in my childhood then people who walked in Super Mario Bros. It's the most tedious thing to watch, especially since at the time I wasn't habitually smoking pot.

Instead of playing back and forth as Luigi, we'd all play as Mario, and switch off on death. I seriously think people were trolling me by walking through the levels and taking their time, because whenever I got the controller, I laid waste to Marios enemies with an iron fist, running through levels and completing entire lands before dying and having to switch off my controller. Those ungrateful pricks...playing all slow and boring, wasting all 86 lives I had acquired in my 2 hour turn.

And yes, trolling existed in 1993...all the great thinkers in history were just trolling societal norms. Gandhi, Copernicus, Benjamin Franklin, Galileo, the Sons of Liberty and Boston Tea Party, George Carlin, Bill Hicks...all trolls.

Shit, I just realized this is supposed to be a conspiracy humor blog...and my 4th of July article ends up being about Super Mario Brothers and gaming etiquette.

....fuck it, Super Nintendo > America. Here, here's my take on the 4th of July summed up in less than a minute:



  1. I was the younger cousin told I was yoshi and I was once told by a wise man as let Jon the shred run thru Mario and try to fuck the. Princess as I shall walk thru and fuck em all


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.