Friday, June 22, 2012

That was one of the most painful things I've come across on the internet. Not quite as bad as BME Pain Olympics, but way worse than 2 Girls 1 Cup. (Yes, I would still bang both girls in 2 Girls 1 Cup. But only now, years after the fact. And I'd still make them take 18 consecutive showers.)

I think this image is bad enough that it actually warrants a translation. Now I'm not saying everyone that shares this image is a skank or whore-bag...but whoever created it seems like a cunt of such monumental proportions she simply needs verbal lashings of some nature to get her back in the kitchen, making sandwiches were she belongs.

If you aren't a shallow, materialistic slut, you should already know these translations don't apply to you whatsoever. That's right, even if you shared the image on your Facebook, its irrelevant - if you aren't a cheating whore, no need to get angry. Hell, I don't even remember who it was I lifted this from on Facebook. So LAUGH WITH ME, AT THE CREATOR OF THIS IMAGE while you're reading my translation. (I know bitches love putting each other down.) If these translations don't apply to you personally, then clearly you should never hire me as your translator.

 Everything below in BOLD has been lifted from that horribly shitty image, and everything in italics is the translation I've gathered from the overall attitude portrayed.


"I don't want a relationship unless you can prove to me that not all men are the same." 
(I continually date douchebags for their money and social statues instead of seeking someone with intellect and character. Despite this, I choose not to blame my lackluster relationships on my own poor taste and even poorer judgement; instead, I blame it on an entire gender, backing my argument with harsh, sweeping generalizations. Maybe I should start scissoring other girls with my sand-infested vagina.)

"No your words don't mean shit to me."
(But the size of your wallet and the type of car you drive mean a fuck-ton. Words....what the fuck do they matter? Connections are made through materialistic means, not conversation.)

"No I don't believe you."
(You're too broke and make me feel stupid when having a conversation. Thus, I call bullshit.)

"Promises are nothing but spoken words to me."
(I have a wide array of mental baggage and I fully expect you to bear the terrible weight of this burden on your shoulders. Additional mental weight will be tied on a string to your nutsack, effectively making sure you're always dragging your balls.)

"I know I'm not your one and only so don't say so."
(I'm certainly getting laid on the side, aren't you?)

"No I'm not the world."
(I'm the fucking universe.)

"No my beauty doesn't make your day."
(That thing I do with my tongue is what makes your day...but you need to EARN that shit. This pussy ain't free. Buy me shit.)

"No my laughter isn't music."
(It's a maniacal cackle that scares small children away and forces elderly folks to tears and comas.)

"No I'm not a rebound so I'm not going to sit here and wait until your ready."
(There's a diverse variety of cocks fighting for the chance to split this pussy. Some even get in simultaneously.)

"And no I won't wait on your call." 
(There's still a diverse variety of cocks fighting for the chance to split this pussy.)
"No you can't see the world in my eyes." 
(Unless it's a world of selfishness, vanity, and poor investment choices. Truly an emotionally hollow shell of a brainwashed Valley Girl throwback.)

"No my smile isn't magic." 
(Neither is my twat, but I like to think it is. Despite its yeasty aroma.)
"No I'm not too good to be true; none the less your wishes came true." 
(And by came, I mean came in my vadge...and all over the cum target that is my uninspired tribal tramp stamp.)
"I am a princess; but not yours." 
(There's a long waiting list of Brazilians who get to be my prince first. Some of them simultaneously.)
"I don't need your money." 
(I need your credit card.)
"I'm not different; trust me." 
(That diamond in the rough that won't cheat on you or burden you with unrealistic expectations? Nope, not me. Just another skank. Might as well hit it and quit it.)
"Really I'm not looking for a fairy tale." 
(Just someone that showers me with money and makes all my shitty friends jealous, while treating me like shit. At the first sign of emotional connection, I will cheat on you with a close friend.) 

"I don't wish to be everything but I do want to be major." 
(Again, I'm certainly getting laid on the side, aren't you?)
"I don't need you to be thinking about me every second of the day." 
(I don't need you to be thinking about me fucking other people every second of the day. It's gonna happen either way, so just get used to it or ignore it. But so help me god if you even look at another girl I will rip out your eyeballs and shove them down your throat. And tell my parents and local police you raped me. I'm only 17 by the way.)

"Make me believe we can forget about the world just by holding my hand." 
(Make me believe I can forget about my slutty, morally reprehensible past and hazy, drug-fueled nights as a stripper just by holding my hand.)

"Tell me I'm beautiful, but only if you mean it." 
(But by god if you tell me my ass looks fat in these pants, I'll cut off your balls and feed them to my poodle Hudgenstonworth.)
"Miss me when I'm gone; so I can miss you too." 
(Lets build a relationship on trust issues and lies.)
"Let me become your favorite girl, so you can become my favorite guy." 
(We'll only cheat on each other and fuck other people until we're ready to commit.)

"No I'm not looking for a prince." 
(ANYONE with lots of money will do. CEOs, professional athletes, musicians from cookie-cutter industry bands...)

"I want a man that wants me to be myself!" 
(Myself = gold-digging, cock-teasing whore.)

No, I'm not a sexist, woman-hating douchebag. It's just that whoever made that image seems like such a gigantic bitch that my services of cynicism and unrelenting spite seemed almost necessary.

I'm single, by the way, ladies. And you won't be a rebound either, no worries there, I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year. I wonder why that is?

1 comment:

  1. I've just installed iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.