Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Taking A Dump

I'm a fast shitter. It takes me less than a minute to take a dump. Combine that with wiping and washing my hands, each bathroom visit usually hits around the 2 minute 30 second mark. Sometimes 3 minutes for good measure. Why, or even how some people manage to take 15 minute dumps without actively seeking to do so is beyond me. Even with heavy-duty constipation, it's just fair to assume most dumps should take no more than 5 minutes.
Someone taking over 5 minutes to shit is personally choosing to take their time, completely on their own accord.

I've seen this at work from a half dozen people. Not literally watched them sit on the shitter, but see them head to the bathroom and reappear 12 minutes later. Maybe the employee drinks their cheap morning coffee, grabs a newspaper, and then has their daily 15 minute shit they are known around the store for taking. Shaving off some time on the ol' work clock. I don't get it.
I know, I know, people suck. People suck horribly, and it's irritating and painful to have to converse and bullshit with them, and plaster on a fake smile and completely avoid all fun topics of discussion in fear of getting fired from some shitty job that isn't even worth the gas money to drive to, but I'd rather stand around twiddling my thumbs OUTSIDE of the bathroom for those extra 14 minutes, full well knowing the risk that casual conversation very well may have be engaged in, than intentionally sitting in a small, windowless room, surrounded by the stench of my own feces.

There's better excuses to take a quick break from work. Here's a thought, why not take up smoking cigarettes? Fuck it - you hate your job enough to sit on the toilet an extra 14 minutes and 25 seconds, right? So why not pick up smoking? Each cigarette takes 11 minutes from your life? Well at least it isn't spent in the bathroom. That's 4 minutes of your life you're saving from bathroom time with every cigarette.
Some times I'll take my laptop in the shitter with me, when I'm at home, and I'm really invested with whatever bullshit I've gotten myself into on the internet. I'll be reading some crazy conspiracy theory, or maybe I'm in a heated debate on someones statues on Facebook, and then I'll think to myself "Wait a second, I'm on a TOILET. I finished shitting about 7 minutes ago. I've just been sitting here since then. Do I need to win this debate about Lil Wayne on the shitter? As fitting as it is, can't I just finish it in my bedroom?"

I know I won't ever need to stock my bathroom with reading material. There's simply no need; the bathroom is a place for efficient bodily waste disposal, and the optional sanitation procedure initiated after aforementioned bodily fluids have been disposed of. There is no need for reading material in the bathroom. Especially reading material that other people will be handling before, during, and after taking a shit.

If anything, a single magazine can suffice for each bathroom, and I only say that because one day it could serve useful as TP backup. If, through some misfortune and horrible stroke of luck, one unknowingly decides to drop a deuce in a bathroom absent of TP, it'd be much easier for said person to deal with this predicament with a few pages ripped out of a magazine, rather than stumbling through the house with their pants around their ankles, trying to reach the other bathroom. It would be much more satisfying for these upstanding folks wiping the corn-laced dung nugget dingle berries from their swamp ass with colorful, plastic feeling paper covered with gossip articles about the Kardashians or Oprah.
If I ever would up with the issue of taking unnecessarily long amounts of time in the bathroom, I would probably start bringing a boom box in there to inspire me to shit faster. So I decided to give you readers, who likely use this blog as a distraction whilst taking a dump, a selection of amazing songs you should use to make the shit flow more freely.

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