Saturday, June 30, 2012

Get A Job, Hippie!

Got a shocking news flash for ya, readers - I'm unemployed. Yes, even with my charming wit, good-tempered personality, and keen intellect, I am jobless and still living with my parents at 23 years old. An outrage, you say? That, even despite my dashing good lucks that apparently bear resemblance to a combination of Jesus, Russel Brand, the singer from the Darkness, and Shaun White, my job hunt has turned up nothing? I agree, it is definitely an outrage. I'm getting less leads in my job hunt than a novice Big Foot enthusiast gets blindfolded and drink in Alaska.

The depressing thing about being unemployed, is having no money with which to:

A) Purchase copious amounts of Marijuana with
B) Buy a shit-ton of PS3 games and nerd out with my bird out
C) Manipulate equally manipulative women into having (unprotected) sex with me
D) Purchase a new guitar and amp so I can shred Iron Maiden songs such as "The Trooper" at unreasonable volumes to piss off my neighbor that's a State Trooper
E) All Of The Above (But none of the below)
F) Buy crack...lots and lots of crack...seriously, so much crack
G) Donate to charity
H) Fund a child in Africa
I) Pay for web hosting so you don't have to read these shitty articles in the "Blogspot" format

 I actually enjoy working, believe it or not. I never understood people that half-ass it at their job. The harder you work, the quicker the day goes by, ya lazy pricks. Unless you're Mexican, in which case, you need to continue to act stereotypically sleepy. But for me, as a white, manual labor is definitely preferable to sitting in a cubicle, counting down the days left in my meaningless existence. Scratch that - manual labor is preferable to sitting in my room, counting down the days left in my meaningless existence.

It's not like I don't have a diverse job history that weaves a rich tapestry of efficiency, professionalism, and awesomeness.

Job: Cellphone Salesman

I used to sell cell-phones at a mall kiosk. I loved tricking people into thinking they were getting some kind of magical bargain when in reality, I was tricking them into handing over their souls to T-Mobile for the next 2 years.

 Pro Tip: Since I'm no longer a T-Mobile sales representative, I'm willing to divulge the secrets of the trade. Here's a tip on how to close the sale with that family of impoverished looking Puerto Ricans:
Basically, T-Mobile almost always has a deal going at every dealership that gets you free shit. This sale is not seasonal, there is no urgency in claiming it before it expires - it's entirely situational. It's literally shit that you're getting for free, though. The phone might as well be a hunk of shit with an antenna sticking out of it. They should pay you to take the shitty phones they offer free off their hands. A T219? Really? This thing never gets service and it even looks poor. That cell phone looks like it lives off of HBH. (Hamburger Helper) And no, T219 is not the liquid terminator from Judgement Day.
Basically, if you're starting a fresh 2-year contract, you can always get a cheapo phone for free. Combine this knowledge with a bit of psychology: people love to think they've WON something. So the technique is, take a deck of cards to work. Tell people to pick a card - any card. They can be walking by, completely indifferent to their surroundings. They could be talking on a phone already. It doesn't matter. Interrupt them from their zombie-like Mall trance, and make them pick a card. Ask them what card they got, and whatever they answer, tell them they WON A FREE PHONE! Doesn't matter what card it is.
"Nice, you picked one of the four Jacks! You win!"
"Oh, got a Spade, you say? Today's your lucky day!"
"Nice color choice, reds are all winners! You win a free Red T219!"
I'm seriously, I was top sales rep for months with this trick, and was banking on those fatty commission checks. It was that easy. Note: This works much better with T-Mobile, the poor peoples carrier. If you tried doing this with Verizon, you would fail. Verizons yuppie customers just want you to sell them what they already came to buy. Whatever it is they want to buy, they already know exactly which phone they want. They'll come to the store and ask you questions they hope will steer you to their choice. It's something they already put hours of research into, and they want someone else to unknowingly prove them right. Yuppie pieces of shit.

People say sales are 'selling yourself' - that's bullshit. Sales is figuring out your opponents weakness (opponent = customer) and exploiting it, manipulating them into spending money. 99% of people are stupid, so usually that's the weakness I would choose to exploit. (I also exploited someones weak kneecap one time, too.) Basically, in sales you trick people into investing in their own stupidity.

More Suitable Job Titles: T-Mobile Dealer, Legal Con Artist, Those Douchebags At Cell Phone Stands In The Mall

Career Highlight: First day ever in sales. It's towards the end of my shift, malls about to close. This white gangster kid is looking at phones. You know the type, the kind of kid that trained themselves to speak with a more urban, black dialect. It always sounds so unnatural. (Been spending most our lives, living in a Yuppie Paradise.) 
The Sidekick was popular at the time. He was there with this decent looking chick, definitely trying to impress her by looking at expensive things he won't be spending any money on. "Hows the service, yo? I make a LOT of calls every day, dawg, A LOT of calls." He was clearly hinting he sold drugs. So without missing a beat I said, "Listen, I can have you banging out deals on this Sidekick in 10 minutes. Everyone will be copping their nugget off you." The couple laughed at me, while I laughed at them. And undressed the decent looking check with my eyes.

Job: Dishwasher

I've had this job twice now. Ever see Waiting? Remember the big black dude from Boston Public listening to all the servers and cooks bullshit and giving them sagely advice they'd usually not listen to or take serious because, after all, who goes to a dishwasher for advice? It's JUST LIKE THAT. 
 Pro Tip: Free leftovers? SCORE!

More Suitable Job Titles: Restaurant Therapist, Plate Cleanser, Dish Wizard
Career Highlight: A highlight to dishwashing? Quitting the job.

Job: Floor Buffer

I'd say the main benefit to buffing floors is an empty work place. This is a job that you do after everyone else has left. You can work at your own pace, singing off-key to your hearts content as the echo of your horrible voice bounces through the empty workplace. You can even get all your work done in ten minutes, setting record after record of how quickly one can buff the floor of an entire kitchen. Two more hours on your shift? Nice. Go to your car and get high, come back in and clock out. The main fallback to buffing floors is an empty work place - no chicks to blatantly hit on, fearless of workplace sexual harassment policy.
 Pro Tip: Don't go to work while tripping balls on cough medicine.

More Suitable Job Titles: Floor Cleanser, Relaxed Janitor, Anti-Social
Career Highlight: Going to work tripping balls on cough medicine.

Job: Therapist

There's normal rapists...but then there was me. I was THE rapist.

 Pro Tip: It's probably best to steal from your victims - being a rapist is one of the most difficult professions of all-time. You're self-employed - you make your own hours, you find your own leads, and you must personally fund your tools - zip ties, chloroform, GHB, alcohol, handcuffs.
More Suitable Job Titles: Molester Squared, Professional Penatrator, Self-Employed
Career Highlight: It's a profession you can really be passionate about. You love going to work every day, despite the hours, and you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment at the end of each shift.

Job: Publisher Clearing House

Every day, I diligently respond to e-mails suggesting I'm going to win $5,000 a week for the rest of my life. Seriously...EVERY DAY.

 Pro Tip: Invest your winnings on home security. Maybe even buy a personal island, or a bunker. Just think - how many people getting $5,000 a week for the rest of their life, actually live that long to collect a shit-ton of money? Maybe PCH pops the winners off like the Federal Reserve popped off JFK. How else could they afford to keep giving out money to people every week? That's right - they can't afford it. Which is why we should abolish them and consider abandoning the concept of money all together. Watch, I'll win the $5,000 a week thing from PCH, and a week later all money will be deemed obsolete.
More Suitable Job Titles: Spam Mail Reader
Career Highlight: Holy shit I hope I fucking win. If I successfully won 5 Gs a week for life I'd discontinue this shitty blog and start a new one about career highlights of winning the PCH 5Gs a week contest.

Tune in, folks, I'm not done yet. Get A Job, Hippie! (Pt 2) will continue the verbal onslaught.


  1. How courageous it is of you to post on every 4 articles anonymously. I'm sure your sandy vagina is bustling with activity.

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If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.