Monday, May 28, 2012

Hilarious Imageless Meme! NOT.

I've begrudgingly come to terms with the popularity of internet memes. (How else can one come to terms with something without doing so begrudgingly?) Hell, if South Park is gonna make an entire episode based on a particular premise, that means that premise has, at some point, hit the big-time. Never mind them making two full episodes.

I've also come to terms with the fact that some people are simply too unoriginal and lack the creativity, or at least the drive, to be funny on their own......and so they resort to excessive amounts of memes. Unfortunately for the rest of us, most unoriginal people have really shitty taste, and seem to share the lamest and most irritating memes they can find. They might get a kick out of the comics in Sunday news papers. Or spit out milk over Garfield. Enough "sarcastic Willy Wonka" pictures, we need more Darth Vadars lighting up cigarettes with his light-saber.

I'd be a liar if I claimed I haven't indulged in sharing memes...but at least I limit myself and choose to share only the funniest ones I come across. I have also made a few dozen of my own, and not using a generator. I'll be unfunny on my own terms, dammit. (In particular, on this very article you're reading.)

But there's one kind of meme I will never understand...

The image-less 'sassy' memes. I hate the term sassy. It's a term that I wish had a physical embodiment, so I could curb-stomp it and piss on its twitching corpse. Terminology I actually despise is necessitated to describe the amount of contempt I have for these memes. When "sassy" is an accurate description of something, it's fair to assume that that 'something' sucks. In fact, it'd be unfair to assume that that something didn't suck.

 This is probably the least shitty meme I'm gonna post. Yea, I've collected some that are so monumentally bad, that THIS cringe-inducing corniness is the least corny of the bunch. Make sure the safety of your pistols are on, you will likely be forced to face-palm so hard it requires a gun.
....god dammit. Really? Now imagine someone just posting this as a text-only stats update. Maybe they'd even tag a few people on it. Everyone would be all like "Faggot!" and "STFU douchebag." But because it's an image, a bunch of these assholes will actually share it. Thinking it's some 'inspiring' and 'bold' image. They somehow get the pass for posting something taxing to the soul to read.

"If you want to keep me there, you're Going to Need Back-up!"

Keep you where, exactly? I don't wanna keep you anywhere besides OFF my Facebook news feed.

So...what, you're either;
 A) Too chickenshit to admit to your own mistake, or 
B) Taking credit for someone else's work?
Go fuck yourself.

I'm pretty sure 'being unable to attempt' is laziness, not failure. Laziness, or maybe having some kind of debilitating handicap; are you suggesting being disabled is failing? You piece of shit. I know I talk a lot of nonsense on this page, but making fun of the handicapped? That's too low, bro. Where's your class?

 Maybe your heart deserved it for posting this crap on your Facebook for hours on end.

This one is hypocritical, considering it's talking shit in itself. Talk all the shit you want, I always say...just make it interesting or over-the-top while you're doing it.

Here's a better idea: take your entire bottle of meds before you even have the chance to get kidnapped.

....shut the fuck up.

And what business would that be? Posting unfunny memes that try too hard to be "sassy"?

You likely aren't weird, deranged, freaky, or psychotic if you need this shitty image to convey that to your shitty friends on Facebook. Actions speak louder than words, and sharing the corniest memes on the internet speaks a tale of blandness, not one of 'psychotic deranged freakiness.' Sorry assclown, you aren't special...not by any stretch of the imagination. None of us are. We'll all live boring, hollow, subservient lives that are getting increasingly shorter due to Fukishima fallout and chemical laden food.

Wanna come across as "psychotic" or "weird?" Go to a nearby fast food restaurant wearing nothing but a trench-coat, knee-high socks, and a half-burned pimp hat. Order a "tossed salad" and "dead baby fetus burger" standing away from the cashier. Then proceed to open your trench-coat, jump on the counter facing the rest of the line, and masturbate furiously while whistling the theme-song to Darkwing Duck.

"The truth" the woman wants to hear, you mean. Not the actual truth. If every man went around telling every attractive woman the actual truth, which usually would go along the lines of "I'd love to bend you over that clearance bin of ketchup and skip town instead of going halves on the abortion," - or other similar, cheerful anecdotes - we'd all be arrested on a daily-to-weekly basis for sexual harassment.

Shocked at what you say? You're posting the lamest, corniest images ever conceived...the only thing shocking is an intense lack of creativity. And you aren't even saying anything, you're just posting other peoples words. Not all that shocking.

That didn't even make sense; zombies eat all kinds of flesh, they don't discriminate on body parts. "I think I'm gonna go for the arm today, the legs have too much fat." Zombies usually tend to go for the organs, ripping open the rib cage to access the tasty treats. Now if you're making a Return of the Living Dead reference, the only zombies that have the munchies specifically for brains, maybe let people know it's a Return of the Living Dead reference.

And still, others were never dropped. Or taken to Disney land. Or paid any attention to whatsoever as children. Resulting in both a lack of personality and them being famished for attention, leading them to seek validation and approval on Facebook using shitty, unfunny images that make people like me want to kick hospitals through field goals and set fire to babies. Fuck validation, say what you want, live your life, and deal with the fallout, when necessary.

Right, and sharing images like this is supposed to be speaking ones mind? Because anyone continually sharing these shitty images seem like they're the ones too brainless to come up with anything. 
There's an entirely different category I haven't even touched upon yet, either. It's the skanky memes that are passed off as "Cute." Usually this is posted by the shitty Facebook pages run by a bunch of older women, that merely share other peoples images. Numerous admins are needed to run these pages?

How about making some original content? All these Facebook pages, they have like 50,000 likes, and they don't create anything original...they just share memes of other Facebook pages that recycle shit of their own. Treat your readers to something nice.

Moreover, at the very least, if you're gonna flaunt promiscuity and try to come off as 'cheeky,' 'sexy,' and 'fun,' why not post some scantily clad photos, instead of these corny images? I'd much rather see some cleavage than 15 shitty, rapid-fire memes you didn't even create.

If you have tits, I guarantee there's at least 20 different people you could call, RIGHT NOW, to play in your "naughty corner." Like, instantaneously, they'll be starting their car by the third text. With the amount of hoops us guys are expected to jump through, and amount of shit tests we're supposed to pass nowadays to get some action, 94% of mankind, is pussy famished.

So stop wasting your time on Facebook posting slutty, reputation-ruining messages, and put out for the guy that paid for your last dentist appointment, or gave you a ride to that job interview. You of the guys you constantly lead on and give shit tests to. Let HIM play in your naughty corner.

  Maybe cream at the top of my lungs, directly in your face, how fucking annoying these Facebook images are. They're not funny, and the only people pretending they're are funny and encouraging you just want to stab their under-utilized pecker into your dried up sausage oven.

  By the throat, with an ever tightening grip? Ok.

No, no you can't. But if you have any hot relatives with nice tits, preferably ones that don't stoop to the level of text-only Facebook memes to express themselves...send them my way. I'm sure they'll love my under-utilized, yet very large schlong in and around their mouth and twat. Oh yea, I hope she likes metal too, because I'm gonna plow her to Symphony-X's "The Odyssey" on surround sound. I might even sing-a-long.

I've become nauseated posting the rest of the memes in this article, and I've lost enough points of my IQ today from doing so.
I usually prefer losing my IQ to psychoactive substances or at music festivals. Not only that, but any small fragment of funniness I am able to channel was drained by these pictures. Stop rehashing the absolute worst of the non-pornographic internet, I've lost my will to attempt comedy. It isn't clever or cute to share these images, especially 60 at a time. They are so terrible, that I hope this article was as painful and unfunny to read as the images you post.


  1. Yo u be trippin balls dawg wat u got against memes homey?

  2. Trippin balls = side effects of injecting Lysergic acid diethylamide and dimethyltryptamine into the scrotal sack

  3. Your fucking awesome bro.

    1. What about my awesome bro? What did he do? You can't leave me hanging like that!

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