Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Dark Knight was boring and shitty


"The Dark Knight" was boring and shitty. Really boring, and really shitty. "Batman Begins" was pretty bad-ass, and a masterpiece in comparison to its sequel. Of course, everyone's getting all boned up about the third movie in Nolan's "Batman: CSI" trilogy. Admittedly, I'm getting a bit of a chubby myself as well, but for entirely different reasons than the fanboys. See, everyone else actually wants to see this movie. Me? I'm just happy this shitty 'soap-opera Batman' will be coming to an end.

The Dark Knight was basically a soap-opera with a bit of cos-play thrown into the mix. Let me give you a quick synopsis of the film: various characters are lifted from the Batman universe and thrown into some shitty, poorly written, poorly edited crime drama.

"Soap opera?! But it's a gritty, realistic take on Batman!" Reality is boring...admit it. Boring enough that you people are actually still reading this shitty blog. The 'grittiest' thing most people experience in their lives is having to take a massive, uncomfortable shit in an unclean public restroom. And the embarrassment they for some reason face as they hear footsteps echo alongside the "Plopping" of the chocolatey diarrhea spraying uncontrollably from their asshole. And even the emotions one feel during that shitty and awkward experience are both more potent and less generic than every excruciatingly dull second of 'The Dark Knight.'

The Dark Knight was a clusterfuck of bland, melodramatic dialogue, poorly shot / choreographed action sequences, and plot-holes so gaping they gave goatse.cx a run for his money. And the very worst aspect of the film is how it takes itself so seriously. It's about god damn superheros.

It seems staggeringly obvious to me that the Dark Knight was a largely unfinished product that was rushed into theaters to capitalize on the death of Heath Ledger. It felt unfinished in almost every aspect possible, especially since they forgot to edit out 14 hours of boring, needless bullshit from the 15 hour runtime.

THINGS THAT RUINED THE DARK KNIGHT
  •  Having a brain. I'm sorry, but if this movie appealed to you as some kind of 'intellectual' piece, you might be stupid. There is about as much pretext in this movie as a lesbian porn called "The Scissor Sisters." (Hint: They play scrabble.) Check out "Arkham Asylum" and "Arkham City" - that is what 'gritty realistic' Batman is supposed to look like - entertaining, well-written, and captivating.
  •   Bruce Waynes raging boner for Harvey Dent was warranted for maybe a minute and 10 seconds, at most, not the duration of the movies run-time. We get it, he wants to retire from fighting crime and bang the sometimes homely, sometimes semi-attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal for the rest of his days. And Harvey Dent is his key to unlock that door of mediocrity. So despite his ridiculous amounts of money and sprawling estate....Bruce Wayne just wants to settle with a decent looking broad who also happens to be a ball busting, cock-teasing bitch? Ok, whatever, let the man settle for less, I'll just ignore that plot-hole and move on. But does this motive of Bruce, a retirement made possible by Harvey Dent, necessitate the constant eye-fucking Bruce Wayne is giving Harvey whenever the two are sharing a room? And isn't Alfred getting jealous? And must he constantly vocalize his longing for Harvey in every scene Dent isn't in the movie? Ironically, Dent is too busy flipping a coin to see if he's going to engage in vaginal or anal intercourse with the girl of Batman's dreams to ever catch the vibe.
  • More money was spent on marketing than making an entertaining movie. The viral marketing for the Dark Knight was more entertaining than the actual movie. And once Heath Ledger died? That was the sign to anyone involved in the movie that actual film-making was irrelevant; this movie would lean entirely on its viral marketing campaign, and the death of one of its stars, to ensure its shitty impact on culture. They could lazily swing through the film-making motions without much effort and still expect a hefty chunk of change. Hell, they wouldn't even have to cut unnecessary scenes from the movie or edit it AT ALL, just throw out a shitty product and sweep the Oscars. The only thing 'new' or 'innovative' about this film was its marketing campaign - the script and acting fell pretty damn short.
  • "You didn't understand the movie!" Believe me, I understood the movies shitty message of duality that it beats brain-dead fans over the head with for its entire 3 day run-time. It's a bit hard to miss when the basis of almost 100% of the movies dialogue is reminding the viewers of the movies message. They rephrase this message about 17,856 times over the course of the movie. I understood the movie fine, what I don't understand is how anyone could actually prefer this to Batman Begins. Oh right, they're just sheep that bought into the media-frenzy and hype that Heather Ledgers death brought to the dinner table. It would be disrespectful of Heath Ledgers legacy to not praise the movie and act like its better than the Godfather. Right. Dig in.
  • The ending was retarded. Batmans man-crush on Harvey Dent is even more evident at the end of the movie. Here Harvey is, about to rape Gordons son right in front of both him and the Batman....and Batman feels the need to protect this mans reputation after his anti-climatic death? Maybe Batman just felt guilty for spying into the lives of all of Gothams citizens in a not-so-subtle nod to the Patriot act? Maybe he felt he deserved to be punished after watching the people he's supposed to be protecting on the toilet, through the cellphone they are texting while they take a shit? Which brings me to my next point...
  • The movie was a propaganda piece. The Joker is the terrorist, blowing up buildings. Anyone who sees faults in government MUST be like him, right? They couldn't rationally hope to change anything, or to protest peacefully, could they? Nope. Anyone who questions authority is a criminal and terrorist that blows up hospitals. Dissidence = terrorism. Batman is the chickenshit shadow government, spying on everyone through their cell-phones to compensate for his lack of actual wit or crime-fighting abilities. At the time, he was a metaphor for the Bush administration. The whole movie is a propaganda piece masturbating Big Brothers ego until it blows its load all over the constitution. And then at the end of the movie, Batman decides it is more important for people to feel safe, presented with lies and cover-ups, than to make their own opinions based on facts and logic. This movie was pure propaganda.
  • Poor action choreography. "Do you want to actually choreograph a coherent fight scene?" "....nah, let's just zoom in really close and shake the camera. We'll just focus on heavy-handed, boring dialogue for the majority of the movie. Then when anyone calls the movie out for being boring, people will insult the intelligence of the person who realizes our lack of effort we put into this production. They'll be called shallow for being honest and not blindly believing the hype!"  "Brilliant!"

I can go on and on about how shitty and bland this lifeless propaganda-piece was. But instead, I might just go replay "Arkham City," a far more capable Batman fiction piece with a far more "realistic and gritty" take, a much better Joker, and writers on the correct side of the fence.

For every second of propaganda in the Dark Knight, there's 10 minutes of footage in Arkham City attempting to shed light on possible futuristic scenarios perpetuated by the worlds power-hungry elite. Hell, the game starts with Bruce Wayne getting arrested for becoming vocal in his distrust of FEMA cam...er, Arkham City. Right off the bat you know the people who made this game are on the right side of the class war. Plus, Luke Skywalker makes a far better Joker than one of the gay ranchers from Brokeback Mountain did.

Summary of Heath Ledgers Joker performance: lick lips 15 times for every 2 minutes of screen time.

2 comments:

  1. FuckedYouFuckerMay 7, 2012 at 6:14 PM

    Good article. Now go fuck yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I guess I could rape my eyes and watch some Dark Knight. Technically, this would be fucking myself

    ReplyDelete

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