Monday, April 30, 2012

Yahoo! News is Ridiculous

Every time I check my Yahoo! e-mail in hopes of landing a film-scoring job or some cougar poontang that's ricocheting off my trolling profile for Plenty of Fish (which was an odd selection to reach on naming a dating site, it leaves strong implications of poor vaginal hygiene for the girls on the site), I can't help but torture my glazed, bloodshot stoner eyes with the news section.

Reading the titles of the news articles is like watching a car accident...but both cars are clown cars excessively filled with clowns.

One of the clowns is running around on fire, trying to extinguish the flames, shoes squeaking the entire time. Another is trying to clean a badly bleeding, gasoline soaked wound, likely a severed artery, with one of those squirting flowers. On the sidelines, two bystanders that, incidentally, share an irrational fear of clowns, survey the wreckage together.

Don't believe me on the level of absurdity to be found on Yahoo news? Here are a few quick articles I found - just now - from casually browsing.

"I don't know guys, I just figured if the band is switching genres of music, we'd change our band name too."

How are we supposed to believe the CIA would know that Bin Laden not only planned to change the name of his terrorist group, but said name change was supposedly inspired by his depression? News articles like this don't exactly lend credibility to a government that shows discomfort, hostility, and embarrassment whenever accused of funding and training Bin Laden. "We had ZERO knowledge of pre-determined terrorists attacks...but we're helping Bin Laden get through therapy. We can't afford our next check to bounce, or China will OWN our asses. (Not sexually. (Unless that's what they do to people from foreign countries they own.))

Oh right, the CIA as a figurative record company signed al-Qaida the figurative band to a record deal. And the record deal couldn't let one of their biggest bands start to get disenfranchised, they had a Satanic gospel to spread and money to make the record company. Couldn't possibly let him stay depressed.

Moreover, how are we supposed to believe Bin Laden even existed as anything but a culprit to point the finger at and blame for a tragedy intentionally committed by the same wealthy elite who, less than a decade later, staged a financial crisis that drove our country into its second great depression?

Now I'm waiting for this blog to get censored, and my laptop to be taken away by Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. When erasing my memories, try to erase the memories that lend to the whole "My life is like the Truman Show" suspicions that get worse every week.

Well shit, I hope the poor guy doesn't need to check his e-mail today. And if he does check his e-mail, hopefully he doesn't still prefer Yahoo to Gmail like the small fringe group that noticed the "666" in google chromes logo and doesn't trust any of their products.
It also looks like a poke-ball. Subtle occult worship, I choose you!

Good to see journalistic integrity is alive and well. Lets pester the poor man, get his opinion on the tragic death of his family less than a week before the incident occurred. I'm sure he wants nothing more in this time of great loss and sorrow in his life then to get a taste of fame with a news interview. Right?

We're all supposed to be convinced that our country is broke, and yet we still have a lottery that dishes out cash prizes in multi-million dollar amounts? The fuck? What else do we waste our money and wealth on?

$127,902,706 - to one person - for playing GOLF? GOLF? The same sport husbands utilize as often as they can as an escape from their wives? What does any one person need with $127,902,706 anyway? He could build a huge $1,000,000 mansion in each state of the US to serve as a refuge for the entire states homeless, and STILL have plenty of cash left-over to use to easily cheat on his wife with.

Pay these people reasonably if we have such a supposed limitation on our resources and funds. I realize it's difficult to train and stay in shape for a sport, and remember all the rules of a GAME someone else created and all. But in terms of entertainment value, sports is by far the least creative.

Take basketball. Once they brought in the slam dunk - innovation over. Unless they start using jetpacks and 50 foot baskets, that sport is done evolving. There are no more innovations to be made. The only thing you'll see changing is lineups, jerseys, and salaries. Aside from that - same shit, every time you watch it.

Other forms of entertainment require a thorough process of creation (or plagiarism). Music, comedy, art, video games. Even film-making, despite its quickening degeneration into a series of remakes, re-imaginings, rehashes, and unnecessary sequels/prequels, still requires a shit-ton more creative effort than the process of throwing / kicking / slap-shotting a basketball / soccer ball / puck into a net.

In terms of entertainment, things that require no cognitive thought beyond performing a redundant set of physical actions SHOULD NOT be celebrated and funded more than the creation, from scratch, of an entirely unique and personal piece of art that required a talent beyond mere physical means in its creation.

IE: Making something original is more impressive than swinging through the motions someone else thought up. musicians more money.

Dammit, if only it had read "Cannibalistic corpses of recently deceased humans: The invasion has begun."

....what? If the Mayans were right, I'm rooting for zombies. What of it? Fuck the Planet X theory, where's the fun in that? Have you seen Melancholia? Shit would be boring. Although nailing Kirsten Dunst in a wedding gown on a golf course would be pretty epic. (No, I wouldn't be wearing the wedding gown, Kirsten Dunst would be. Go watch the movie.)

What a bunch of fucking pussies. He's SIX YEARS OLD. Unless this kids head was rotating a full 360 degrees and he was speaking in foreign tongues, I'm pretty sure the parents could've handled it without the police (or an exorcist) getting involved. Even if they're too chicken shit to give him a few backhands, I think todays punishment of taking away his Iphone for a day or two would make the little fucker think twice before he kicks his principal in the nuts again.

Holy shit, really? Is this even legal? Between news articles like this one, the Van Halen Reunion, Tenacious D releasing their entire album online for free, and the complete lack of winter this year, not to mention that eerie orange glow the night sky now has, I'm really starting to think shit might hit the fan this year....

I'm out, gonna try and locate $10,000 and buy that stealth ship to ride out the apocalypse in.


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