Thursday, April 26, 2012

WARNING: This video will haunt you for years

WARNING: If you are bored with life, severely depressed, and/or teetering on the edge of sanity, DO NOT watch this video. I repeat, DO NOT watch this video, it will likely force you into a blinding rage that sends you on a merciless killing spree. 

This video is like an AIDs / Cancer combo with a slice of Hepatitis C and whisper of mad cow disease, injected directly to the brain. This is the corniest music video since Rebecca Black’s “Friday” violently raped ear-sockets and eye-drums the world over, and it might be even worse.

  • What exactly are those douchebags high-fiving about? "Ready to lose all self-respect in the participation of this video, brah?" "Gufaaww...yea!"
  • Did that kid really just abbreviate his high school name? "That's why at Cy-Ranch, we don't do that. This is how we do it." By what, writing arguably the worst, most awkward song in the history of music and coupling it with the corniest, most awkward music video of all-time? I hope everyone involved as a positive force in the production of this video gets bullied to the point of contemplating suicide.
  • Dudes doing off-timed lip-syncing to an auto-tuned chick singing painfully generic melodies? As a musician, I can't possibly finish this crap...can I?
  • I'm assuming that third chick singing, the one who looks like a 37 year old lesbian, is the one who wrote the song. I make this assumption judging by her infuriating enthusiasm. Those facial expressions reserve her the worst kind of sodomy at the lowest level of hell. What a cunt.
  • How edgy, the lyricist (for lack of a better term) used the word "sucks" and emphasized it like she's some kind of badass! This is fast becoming more painful to watch than getting teeth pulled. At least when I was getting teeth pulled I had laughing gas to enjoy while my molar was violently ripped out. And a homeless stripper with a huge rack to eye-fuck. She had a grungy, covered in dirt look that was pretty sexy. (Did I mention my dentists office is in an alleyway?)
  • Ok, this officially has to be the group of biggest faggots I've seen on the internet. And I've been tricked into watching Lemon Party and
  • Oh snap, is that a slew of rent-a-pigs saluting the camera? You're training to be PAID BULLIES, that's all that most law enforcement officials do is bully people these days, you hypocritical subservient fuckwads.
  • Fake mustaches used in an unflattering fashion? WHAT? You can't be serious. Fake mustaches are fucking awesome, and are appropriate in almost every circumstance. During sex. While eating. At funerals. This video has proven the only exception to the rule. My life is a lie...
  • I'm waiting for a teacher to bust out of a classroom and say "GET BACK TO CLASS, YOU BUNCHA SISSIES! I knew I should have filled my water bottle with vodka today!"
  • Fall off the balcony...fall off the balcony...fall off the...all right, palm the camera instead, not as classy as falling to a painful death, but still much needed. Now if only you could somehow disrupt the terrible audio, you'd be doing Youtube a real service.
  • That's right, Cy-Ranch students, cheer for your mediocrity! Cheer the fact you are involved in possibly the corniest production of anything. EVER. Relish in your message about anti-bullying, without even a hint of self-awareness that this kind of pansy-ass behavior is exactly what necessitates bullies in the first place. Ignore the fact that without criticism, far less people would be inspired in their rage to push the limits of their creative output to prove the naysayers wrong, it's ok. Blindly give praise and ambition to everyone that are shitty instead of pushing them to progress.
  • This video displays almost everything wrong with society. It showcases the murder of music, death of self-awareness, rape of the music video format...just awful.

I wonder if someone had the common decency to at least attempt the intentional fuck-up of this hopeless production. I'm talking, enough intentional mishaps to discourage these little assholes from completing and releasing this festering turd. Maybe pull a fake set of prosthetic testicles out right when the camera pans by. Or trip the camerman down a flight of stairs. Or spike the drinking fountains with LSD and dose the entire school an hour before they started filming. Those are all variations that would have made that video slightly entertaining.

It sure as hell looks like a lot of those students being filmed felt extremely awkward being a part of this crapfest, too. I wonder if anyone in the school refused participation? Perhaps a doctors note?

All they had to do was go with "Cheesiness" instead of "Corniness." Because "Cheesy" will always trump "Corny." Do you know the difference? Here's a diagram to help you out.

Corny is the absolute worst way to go about defending oneself from bullying. Corny has no sense of irony or self-deprecation, it takes life too seriously. Cheesy is too over-the-top and bombastic to take itself, or life for that matter, seriously at all. Cheesy inflicts the worst insults on itself (and in some cases everything around it) before the bully has the chance, and has fun while doing it. Corny is too self-important and forgets to laugh. Cheesy transcends bullying and judgement, because it's too busy railing gaggers of blow off pairs of firm titties. Real titties, too, none of that silicone shit.

If they really wanted to stop bullying, they should have utilized guitar solos and pyrotechnics. Instead of douchebag high school students making smarmy, unrealistic remarks at the beginning of the video and trading awkward gestures toward each other, (just look at the black chick and tall white dude at the start of the video pretending to be a couple...either the dude is gay, or the girl is racist) they should have been running from a swarm of zombies, forcing themselves through hordes of flesh-eating undead to make their way to Cy-Ranch to barricade themselves in. Several dying along the way, getting picked off and viciously mauled (all caught on camera, of course) on their way into the school. The rest of the video could have been depicting their slow descent into insanity, and eventual painful deaths from starvation.


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