Sunday, April 15, 2012

Terms that serve one purpose: pissing everyone off

It is not the Thesaurus troll utilizing the boundless knowledge betwixt the pages of thesaurus that wins the fight; nay.

It is the Grammar Troll who has such an impeccable grasp of verbal fornication and lyrical wordsmithery, they can weave inexplicable tales and fabrics of epic wonder and joy, and yet at the dropeth of a pin express the worlds unrelenting suffering and undying anguish.
Knowledge, riddled with riddles and worded with wordplay that would make a librarian blush and moisten; that would make renowned professors mentally constipated in their pursuit of discernment; that would make the feeble-minded sheep, victims of perpetual conditioning, spontaneously combust one-by-one as they fathom the mere thought of comprehending the comprehension the Thesaurus Troll is boldly and selflessly putting on obvious display with his vocal tirades.

The words needn't be big, but just placed in such a fashion that the reader is left bewildered and tickled; unable to perceive the underlying message, unable to decipher the code hidden subliminally between the lines.



If you, the readers, brain...was on a date with my brain...at some, cozy little brain diner...MY brain would be getting YOUR brain all hot and bothered with witticisms and lyrical banter. All kinds of freaky grammar troll shit. Within 5 minutes, I'm talking...7 tops, your brain would be giving my brain a handie under the table while simultaneously finger fucking its own moistening slit, no doubt in preparation of what would be some erotically passionate first-date brain diner-bathroom sex. (Grammar Trolls work fast, bros.)

But then this dim-witted waiter saunters over, breaks up the party, and throws his or her figurative hat into the ring, rudely interrupting the verbal foreplay.


"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?"
"We require more time than has been provided to decide the fate upon which our taste buds will fall this evening, good sir/madam. We shan't choose hastily, lest we arrive on the choice of a diarrhea-inducing mess of a meal instead of your finest gourmet helpings."

 Not even missing a beat. My brain could be arrested for this incident, getting a handy under the table from your brain, but the verbal lyricism is as fluent as your brains vaginal secretions.

"Uh.....it is what it is?"
"Beg pardon, squire?"
"Like, it's WHATEVER, man."

"Kindly insert the sharpest, most rigid object directly into your anus. It shall lengthen the duration necessary for the handy."

Why the fuck does anyone get away with using terms like "It is what it is" without a swift set of multiple brass-knuckled backhands administered to their face?

Phrases That Burden Our Species Collective Intelligence
  • "Having your cake and eating it too." What does this term imply? What is it suggesting? If someone is going to "Have" a cake, I can count on one hand the number of ways they logically could "Have it." They could have it....for food. To eat, ya know. They could have it......to share. Other people can eat it too. And.............they could have it to fuck. Like when that dude fucks the pie in American Pie. Beyond those three, I can't really think of any other reasons to have a cake, then to throw it away when it gets bad, which would be a terrible reason to have a cake. Thus, the term makes absolutely no sense as a metaphorical or comparative statement. Unless it implies "Having your cake" is having sex with the cake, and "Eating it too" implies you eat the cake after fucking it. So actually, I retract my initial claim, this works as a metaphor...if you're a morally bankrupt pervert who has sex with cake.
  • "It's whatever." It's whatever? IT. IS. WHATEVER....? You know what 'It's whatever' translates to in Latin? I'll provide you the translation here, so you don't have to Google it, ya lazy fuck. Translation: "I'm a fucking idiot that either can't or won't be bothered to make a cohesive and informative statement to describe this current situation we're discussing, so instead of attempting to express myseITS WHATEVER.
  • "It is what it is." Woah, really?! It is...what....it IS?! Because, fuck me in the ear canal, I could've sworn it IS what it ISN'T.....No fucking shit "It is what it is," you dick. What a redundant, smarmy, lazy fucking statement to use to avoid intelligent discourse. Anyone who uses this term on the minimum of a weekly basis needs a kick to the face with the BOOT OF KNOWLEDGE...the STEEL TOED, BARBED WIRE WRAPPED BOOT OF KNOWLEDGE.
  •  "Glass half empty / glass half full." This one is almost as bad as the cake one, but not even close to as bad as "It's whatever" and "It is what it is." What bothers me about this one, is there's a logical explanation to whether the glass is half-empty or half-full. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with being a pessimist or optimist or fulonrapist, as you may be lead to believe. If the cup has been filled to the halfway point (presumably with the blood of velocirapti) then it is HALF FULL. (Yes I just pluralized velociraptor by typing VELOCIRAPTI, with an I at the end instead of an S. It sounds way cooler.) If the cup WAS at one point filled past the half-way point (presumably with the tears of a kidnapped former virgin) and then some of this liquid was displaced to the halfway point, it would be half empty, as the process of emptying occurred for the cup to reach its halfway point.
 
A Suitable Replacement Term

"Dollars to donuts." I have no idea where this term originated. Perhaps it was a police officer on patrol who feels dollars are less valuable than donuts. The first time I heard it was on an episode of Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1. Who knows where they got it. I also don't know why the term is so awesome, but it is. Try and make a statement about something serious after saying "Dollars to donuts." YOU CAN'T. It's a disarming statement, it's cheesy (as cheesy as donuts can be I guess) yet somehow harmless and charismatic.

Example:
 "Dollars to Donuts that things a submarine."


"That term is fucking horrible, you asshole! There is NO way donuts will ever be comparable to dollars! Money is way more important!" Right on. Well when money is obsolete and the world is a post-apocalyptic wasteland, have fun dipping those shit covered pieces of paper debt in your ice cold coffee.

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