Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Irrational superstions that make rational fears


 For my 13th post, I thought I'd rant about irrational superstitions that actually make rational fears. (To offset all the bad luck and bad juju that post number 13 brings, of course. I've been worried about going past my 12th post.)
#1: Breaking a mirror
Breaking a mirror isn't going to bring you 7 years of bad luck...unless you choose not to clean the broken glass for those 7 years. So go ahead and break a mirror....but clean that shit afterwards. (Unless you're a liberal. Or republican. Or democrat. Or pedophile. Then, alternatively, eat it.)

#2: Black Cats
 Apparently, if a black cat walks towards you, it brings good fortune....if it walks away, it takes the good luck with it.

Well what about black cats carrying fleas? Or better yet, the BLACK PLAGUE? They aren't bringing good fortune...they're bringing fleas. And black plague. You want those fuckers to walk the other way, not come towards you.

And I'm pretty sure no one wants to tangle with a black panther either.
 Whoops, image malfunction.

#3: Walking Under A Ladder
If you have the good fortune of being on the ground and walking UNDER a ladder, be glad you aren't testing said ladders sturdiness in a hailstorm. Or falling off of one. Walking under a ladder is probably the best place you could be. In regards to a ladder.

Also, if you have children, a rational fear would be the game SHOOTS AND LADDERS....if your child is playing said game with a pedophile in his windowless van, that is.

#4 Opening an umbrella inside
Opening an umbrella inside is an indication of stupidity, not bad luck.

#5 Bird Shitting on you = good luck
Damn, maybe you should've kept the umbrella from #4. A bird shitting on you is only coined as an indication of "good luck" because it is likely the worst thing that is going to happen to you that day, possibly even that week or month.

What are the odds of a bird shitting on you? All that land around you, all that open area...ground, and trees, rocks and houses and fields. Inanimate objects, that wouldn't mind getting pooped on, as far as the eye can see.

Or maybe people you don't like standing nearby could get pooped on instead. Seeing THAT would be pretty lucky, compared to being a victim of the projectile feces yourself. 

Or perhaps the few odd scat fetish / beastiality advocates in the nearby region could get hit. It'd be very lucky for them, considering its part of TWO of their sick fetishes. Actually, if you were in close enough proximity to scat fetish / beastiality advocates often enough to eventually witness one of them getting pooed on by a bird, (those statistics are overwhelmingly scant) it is fairly likely there is much worse scenarios that could unfold to ruin your day than seagull poo, so perhaps bird shit would be the least of your worries.

#6 Dogs Howling = Death
Hearing a dog howl late at night in the distance is NOT a sign of death....
....but being stranded in the wilderness and hearing a pack of howling wolves getting increasingly louder? That MIGHT be a sign of death. Or a sign of nearby furries. Which could result in experiences so terrible you might wish you were dead.

#7 Most Conspiracy Theories
This one might be a shock. But just because I'm a Conspiracy Enthusiast doesn't mean I believe all that garbage I read. I don't think a huge amount of these supposed plots are being orchestrated in any fashion, beyond the orchestration of the fictionalized accounts I read on the message boards. (On my second laptop used only for conspiracy theories / animal porn, of course. If the government comes to take my computer, they ain't getting this music production laptop...they're getting the Dell.)

The real thing to fear with these superstitions is the overwhelming stupidity of most of our species...that humans are so stupid, so mindlessly ignorant of their situation, that they not only allow a small wealthy elite to control them, but they love every second of it. And not only that, but these other theories, the more crazy and ridiculous of them, actually sometimes sound somewhat logical, considering how fucked up of a situation we as a human race have gotten ourselves into. What with our constant refusal to learn from (or admit to) our mistakes and faults.

I'm not saying there's a depopulation agenda, or the Mayans accurately predicted the end of the world. I'm just making a logical assessment based on the financial, spiritual, and political infrastructure of our government and society. And that assessment is that the people in charge simply don't care about us. This didn't take hours upon hours of research, its quite obvious when observing culture from an indifferent, third person perspective, that this is true. I was disenfranchised from about the 5th grade on. And I've only witnessed more and more stupidity, levels of stupidity reaching critical levels at an alarmingly swift rate, as I've reached my 23rd year on this planet.

This, I feel, is just an undeniable truth everyone avoids acknowledging; that the people with most of the money don't care about the people with the rest of the money. Calling it conspiracy theory at this point is ignorance. Everything to the people that run world and write the biggest checks boils down to advertising, marketing, manufacturing, production, materialism, and profits.

And this is really the only theory that continually bugs me, gnawing at my subconscious like a stoned zombie with a serious case of the munchies. Making it physically painful to go into public sober.

Shit that promotes stupidity is selling well? Well get the assembly moving quicker, we need to make more money off this constant decline in intellect! I want 50 more Lady Gaga clones and 25 more Lil Wayne wannabes by next week!
Wait, processed food might cause cancer? Same thing with artificial sweeteners? Better sweep that under the rug and genetically modify as MANY crops as we can. It won't matter for us, we're on our way out anyway! Fukushima will be the death of ALL our grandchildren! Better maximize profits while we're still breathing. Might as well fuck future generations more, they're already taking it in most of their orifices on an hourly basis!
Fluoride is BAD for you? Shit.....lift up that rug again, and give me that broom with the FOX News sticker on it...
If we tell the people what's really up on the news, they're gonna be PISSED at how much we've fucked up. We gotta distract them with a bunch of bullshit instead. Lets try to cook up a race war and find a story about an insignificant murder and blow the trial out of proportion on TV.

Pot is evil....because it cuts into our own profits. We make this assumption blind, because we remain willfully oblivious to all the revenue it could bring in for us, as well as the happiness it will bring to countless citizens we are being paid to protect. But we don't want to protect them...we just want to profit off them in every way imaginable. We'd rather spite people than try to make something to benefit anyone but ourselves. One for none, and none for all.

Not only is there that whole "government is more interested in money than anything else...including human life" thing, but the craziest of the conspiracy theories are a lot of fun to read; it's another twisted hobby for people with a dark sense of humor. 

If the world is run by reptilians...or if the world is just a computer simulation...or if a second sun with its own set of planets is going to roll through our solar system and wipe out human existence this December...if any of it is true, our involvement is so miniscule in changing the course of fate, that we might as well focus on the most obvious and blatant issue...

...why aren't we partying?

We gotta call out the people stealing all the money and using it to buckle down before the end comes, leaving the rest of us in the dark, working like slaves. Why let the wealthy elite have all the fun in the end times? I wanna go out like a champion when we hit the 5th dimension, too! I want to be balls deep in Olivia Munn when the pole shift hits.

We should have been having the craziest party of all-time since at least...2000 to bring in the end of the world!

The fact that would get me most pissed, if the 'powers that be' are really hiding some looming apocalypse...they expect everyone to live out the rest of this bland existence pushing papers and going to work when they should be tripping balls on drugs and getting laid by their wives sisters.

But instead of an epic, 10 year binge the entire planet is in on together, instead, a select group of very few people will be going into the bunkers to have the craziest drunken orgies since the Roman Empire. C'mon now, they're all so.....old, and....boring. Well, I guess it won't be the craziest orgies since the Roman'll be the blandest, ugliest orgies of all time.

I was gonna do 13 of these superstition / fear things, but screw that. It'll take way too long.

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