Friday, April 20, 2012

"I'm a Republican!" No, you're an asshole

Before you democrats, or libertardians, or whatever the fuck you clueless, lazy idiots wanna label yourself, run over to give me a high-5 for downing your rival party....grab a mirror. Bear with me here. You got the mirror? Good. Look into it for 5 minutes time while quietly singing the Dawsons Creek theme song under your breath. "I don't wanna wait..." Let the volume of your voice steadily rise in volume and insanity...."for our lives to be over"....over the course of 5 minutes. When you're singing as loud and as insane as you possibly can, I mean REALLY scaring the neighbors, SMASH the mirror with a Xena Warrior pussy-eating cry. Survey the wreckage, the shards of glass, and look for the biggest chunk. Dig around a bit. When you find the shard, pick it up.....

And eat it. Eat the biggest chunk of glass you can find. Hope you enjoy shitting that out, retardlican.

You're all assholes. Every last one of you. Every single person that chooses to express their personal beliefs and convictions through the affiliation of a political party, merely regurgitating whatever bullshit their favored party serves, is an asshole.

Even worse is when these clueless idiots try to label others for expressing their beliefs under some political banner.

"Oh what, you think abortion should be the choice of the individual? That it's a personal choice for the would-be parents? You must be a REPUBLICAN!"

No, I'm actually part of the Sweet Funky Freedom party, a rare, angry, cynical party, impervious to the bullshit you all seem to fall head over heels in stupid with. Our agenda is a free society; a unified planet void of racism, of unfriendly competition, of stupidity and the celebration of ignorance.

Our hope is for our species to one day, be working together, tackling issues of a much larger feeding and housing the homeless, ending poverty of 3rd world nations, and educating the youth on lifestyles that will effect our planet in a positive fashion long after we're dead.

See, every 4 years, the shadow government rolls out a slew of soulless puppet candidates who's job is to serve us all big bowls of rancid, festering, steaming dog shit, completely riddled with toxins. And the opinions the majority make on the figurative taste of this figurative bowl of dog shit are based entirely on their political affiliations.

If the server of dog shit belongs to the rival group of the party they are blindly associated with, the public will say "This shit tastes terrible!"

Likewise, if the servers of dog shit are members of the same political party the public blindly associates with, they say "Where's my spoon?!" And "Can I get seconds?" And perhaps, "What's for desert?"

Don't believe me?

We re-elected George W Bush.

Fucking idiots.

Both parties are purchasing the same brands of dog shit and diarrhea marinade, and they're buying it from the same company. They're working together, and on some very, very sinister shit. Best case scenario, they're intentionally soliciting 99% of the worlds wealth and even though they can literally bathe in a tub of $10,000 bank notes, they STILL want all 100%. Worst case scenario, we are all living a computer simulation. Or the world is run by reptiles. Or our solar system is a binary solar system and our "second Sun" is on its way back to Earth, causing the increase in disasters and explaining the governments rash and careless decisions.

I choose to not associate with ANY party. That way, you can judge me as an asshole based on my own personal beliefs.


  1. Great article! Now how the fuck are we gonna fix this shit?

  2. Well, exposing the tyranny and injustice on our rant sites is definitely a good start. Quickest solution I could think of...

    Phase 1: All nations drop any petty squabbles and divide and conquer tactics, embracing all of humanity as equals and siblings. Laws barring freedoms and situations of personal choice are thrown out the window, and marijuana is legalized. The wide array of uses for cannabis slowly save every economy in every country; the cultivation of the crop, construction of the warehouses, delivery of the product, dispensaries to sell the product, would open numerous and far-reaching levels of employment. The use of hemp for clothing and paper will also eliminate any need to cut down anymore trees.
    Phase 2: ???
    Phase 3: Profit


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.