Friday, April 20, 2012

Happy 420, brah

Happy 420, brah! Light up a spliff and listen to some trippy tunes from the 5th dimension, and at the same time, watch some random youtube video on mute. THEY ALWAYS FIT.

So lets talk 4/20 then. If you're the type that really gets into holidays, this has to be one of the coolest ones, right? The more 'mainstream' holidays don't really serve as fierce competition by any means, when you step back and observe them from an indifferent standpoint.

I mean, we got zombie Jesus paired with a rabbit that has kids searching for eggs....

...we got a night for people to roam around, door-to-door and in costume, to get awarded free candy, the one night kids are encouraged to take candy from strangers...

...we got the day to celebrate dead puppe....er, presidents.

We got the day for eating a bunch of bland tasting food to celebrate the genocide of the Indians... (Thanksgiving food is so dry, and all full of MSG...it's tragic, really)

....and then we got one dedicated just to smoking pot. Good ol' harmless marijuana. Well, that...and Hitlers birthday. But no one could possibly be celebrating Hitlers birthday, could they? Unless Hitler himself is celebrating right now, because he faked his own death like Tupac and is scheduled to appear at next years Coachella in hologram form to perform "Where Brooklyn At."

The big irony of 4/20, is maybe all it would've taken Hitler to relax a little would've been a birthday joint. No World War II.
No Nazis. No needless genocide. Boom.
Uno
Dose
Trace Bannon


4(20)
5

Pretty sure that's how it would've gone down.

Doesn't Hitler look like a lightweight? He looks stoned as fuck.


I just realized I joked about two genocides in one rant.

Another thing about 4/20, is the people on Facebook, who are all hip and sour to it. "Your 4/20 celebration is LAME. Losers." Or "OMGz, like, thers 2 many stats aboot 420!11 LULZ YOU FUCKING PIGFUCKA!" (No one types like that anymore, right? Its 2012, for Christ sakes. Lets go out of this whole 'existence' thing with a little class and sophistication, people.) 

I'm sure you go around saying "Merry Christmas" every December, right dipshit? So relax while people smoke an extra few bong packs every April 20th and make a shitty little Facebook update about it. There are bigger joints to fry. Hell, maybe you should start smoking a little herb yourself, so you can write something spiteful that's funny and not just spite.

OR at least so you're high enough when you read this 4/20 post, that you think IT is actually funny. Because I ran out of my stash, and can't seem to find my writing groove when I'm sober. So since I'm not smoking any weed of my own, I need to rely on the weed of other people changing their opinion. If their weed is dank, then at least half of my 12 readers will laugh at one of the hunks of comedic shit I throw at the Blogger wall.
(It's a 10 - 1 ration I wager...10 offensive statements to every 1 joke.)


I'm just saying, if you're gonna make fun of something, anything, including fake holidays such as 4/20...do it with some class and dignity. Be original with it, don't just diss the holiday...get creative in your attack. Kill a few figurative babies to make your point.

For example, I'm not a fan of sports. But its not enough to just post a status saying

"Sports suck. Its 4 hours of mostly advertising. They're probably rigged too. And they're payed so much money for basically playing games. WTF?"

Well shit, that was just boring. People don't want to discuss anything on Facebook, do they? They just wanna cunt-bump each others egos. So when you make fun of 4/20 do the opposite of that, and take a shit on their egos instead. This includes a bit of staining of your own ego, to some extent. But man up and expect the haters, you pussy. Those pussies will help you grow. Greet them with red, glossy eyes and a trollface.
You following me?

See? I made a meme to make fun of sports. This meme business is popular with our shitty, lifelessly vacant, conditioned generation, right? I lowered my creative standards to the lowest possible level...internet memes. But it's still slightly more entertaining than just saying-

"Sports are useless! You people are clueless, spiritually unproductive vassals of evil incarnate!"

Memes are certainly the lowest form of comedy, right under Improv, and tied with Comedy Blogs. But at least there is that shitty attempt to be funny.

Stooping to the meme level was just a compromise. Life is all about compromises. You get good at something....expect some haters. You wanna talk shit about something....expect some haters. You bang someones sister....expect some haters. You want to help people out and live a charitable, selfless lifestyle....expect a lot of haters AND to eventually be murdered.

UPDATE (10 MINUTES LATER)
In the writing of this article, I did a number of things, two things of which were of actual importance.
First...I found a remaining bowlpack. 
And second...I found a series of Youtube videos about how to quit pot that gave me more ranting material. Let's check one of these Bad Larry's out...


Wait, PART 1...so it takes more than one video to explain how to quit smoking pot? I mean, it's really quite simple...first, you run out of money. Then, you can't afford your weekly 8th of nugget. Problem solved. Have a job? Intentionally get fired. Piss right on your bosses shoes, spit in his or her face, and steal from the cash register on the way out. RIGHT AFTER you finish the last joint of the weed you buy with that stolen money, you've officially quit pot...because you can't afford more. Smash up your phone and laptop so you can't get a hold of your friends to get smoked up. Or better yet, get arrested. There won't be any dope in prison, boys.

How many of these videos did this dude waste his time making, anyways?

 

31 videos? What the fuck? So you went from smoking pot....to making a 31 part video series on Youtube about not smoking pot?

Right, seems productive. Just like watching paint dry. Personally, I'll stick to getting high and writing epic songs.

As a matter of fact, here's a track I wrote on 4/20 two years ago about some killer weed.
Now which seemed more productive, a 30+ part Youtube series about quitting pot, or 6 minutes of poorly recorded yet decently composed psytrance metal INSPIRED by pot? I'll let my 12 stoned readers be the judge.

3 comments:

  1. Far out!!!! Love from I NEED to VENT

    ReplyDelete
  2. Whether or not every article is agreeable in this blog, we are all, as humans, bound by the need to vent. Best to try and make it funny along the way :B

    ReplyDelete

If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.