Saturday, April 28, 2012

Dancing (Sucks)

DANCING SUCKS (AND IS ANNOYING)

Being a musician that has played (and thrown) a good number of shows and music festivals in the jam band circuit (aka modern Hippie Scene), I've come to hate the preconceived notion that one must dance at a show....AT ALL....never-mind the entire fucking time there's music playing. (Or all weekend, if its a music festival.)

Especially irritating are the snooty bands that pick fun at any audience that aren't desperately trying to out-groove each other like some Bizarro universe You Got Served contest.

"What an active crowd..." (snicker snicker snicker)

Well fuck you, you douchebags, just be happy people are watching you play your music at all. What, you need people to be dancing to realize they like your music? Maybe you need to develop more confidence in your artistic output if you NEED to see your audience dancing to be satisfied with your performance. Audience participation is great...but the attendance is far more important than the activity.

Chances are you're just another boring Phish or Disco Biscuit clone, anyways. Maybe that's why you determine your success on how much people are dancing at the show. Because you know you stole your sound. Trying to order and coerce your audience into dancing is foolish. Craft a unique and original sound you KNOW people will be captivated by if you want to ensure they'll dance to your shit. And irregardless of the amount of dance activity you view from your lofty positions on stage, you should assume people enjoy the music by their presence alone. If they aren't hucking tomatoes or leaving the room, you're doing something right. (Or something stupid enough for them to understand, apparently.)

What's that, you aren't just another useless, shitty Phish or Disco Biscuits clone, you say? Oh I'm sorry, you must be another one of the 15,675 unnecessary Grateful Dead cover bands saturating the jam circuit, my mistake. Pretty sure Dark Star Orchestra has the "kick-ass Grateful Dead experience" job on lock down, and there's already a half dozen other decent cover bands. How many more do we really need?


It takes a really special kind of groove combined with a certain amount of whiskey to give me the urge to gyrate like an idiot in front of a bunch of random strangers. My ears can enjoy the music well enough, I don't think it is necessary to get my legs and arms involved - unless it's a completely involuntary action. At which point, my body actually feels the urge to groove to the music. It is not forced, it's just a natural reaction. There's no reason to expel energy to appear "hip" to a bunch of assholes who judge each other on their knowledge of Grateful Dead lyrics or how long they've been living from bench to bench on Ratdog tour.

"You're just self-conscious, man!" What's more self-conscious shithead, feeling the need to dance to fit in, or standing your own ground and choosing to conserve your energy for the wild coke and sex parties being held after the show? (Oh, you weren't invited to the aforementioned coke and sex party? That sucks. Will I get you on the VIP list? No. Your girlfriend is more than welcome to attend though.) I'd rather spend my time at the concert...I don't know...WATCHING THE BAND. As a musician, I actually want to see what they are doing. NOT for people to watch what I'm doing on the dance floor. (Unless I'm performing that night with my guitar.) And NOT to watch uncoordinated, piss-drunk assholes sloppily spin and trip across the same dance-floor. God damn attention whores.

I think everyone looks like fucking idiots when they dance - myself included. But far more so when you can tell it's forced. Nothing looks more awkward than forced dancing.
  
You can even tell some of these assholes are trying SO HARD to dance the most intense in the room. Well....FUCK YOU people, you are not the focus of the concert, the band you bought tickets to see is the focus of the concert. Stop trying to be the center of attention with your shitty dance moves. And get out of the fucking way and let me watch them jam. Go "express yourself" in the corner, I'm here to watch the BAND express themselves...musically.

Angry dancing is a bit of an exception.

"Well what about hot girls dancing, and strippers? Isn't that sexy?" Sure, it's sexy...in the privacy of my bedroom. Or in the case of festivals, the semi-privacy of my tent. And having bagged a few strippers in my day...they're nothing special. Surprisingly smart - but in manipulative ways. If anything, I prefer corrupting the innocent women, not dipping my pen in sloppy ink.

Back to dancing. I have a horrible back. I am pretty sure I can blame this bad back on my various, weaponless, polar bear killing voyages to the arctic. Or maybe the butter-knife lion hunting expeditions in Africa. In any case, it sometimes hurts to stand for the duration of a concert, and I actually prefer sitting if the option is available. (Listening to shitty, generic music and watching shitty, hive-minded fans do shitty, off-time dance moves is collectively far more intense than the back pain ever will be.) I'm not gonna strain my back into a series of knots on purpose unless, like I said, my body starts to involuntarily move to the music. And that is a pretty rare occurrence. Like a solar eclipse. Or me admitting I'm wrong.

So now I sound like a party-shitter of extraordinary proportions, I'm sure. Or a fire and brimstone Bible thumper type. "Dancing should be outlawed! It's Sunday, why aren't you in Church?" I don't think it should be outlawed, and I have no issue with people having fun at a concert. But that's if ones body catches a rhythm and they start to dance involuntarily. I have no issue with that, I'm not a Nazi. But the people that FORCE THEMSELVES to dance for every song....they look like enormous douchebags.



Here is something I would actually be forced to bust out the dance moves to.

And it's impossible NOT to dance to a Here Come the Mummies song, just try not to start grooving to this funk.

But to dance...just to impress people? That's for fucking losers.

NOTE: You can literally replace almost every instance of "Dancing" with "Moshing" and that's how it pertains to metal shows. Re-read the article as moshing.



Being a musician that has played (and thrown) a good number of shows in the metal band circuit (aka modern Metalcore Scene), I've come to hate the preconceived notion that one must mosh at a show....AT ALL....never-mind the entire fucking time there's music playing. (Or all weekend, if its a music festival.)

Especially irritating are the snooty bands that pick fun at any audience that aren't desperately trying to out-mosh each other like some Bizarro universe You Got Served contest.

"KICK EACH OTHERS FACES IN!" (ineffective growl)

Well fuck you, you douchebags, just be happy people are watching you play your music at all. What, you need people to be moshing to realize they like your music? Maybe you need to develop more confidence in your artistic output if you NEED to see your audience moshing to be satisfied with your performance. Audience participation is great...but the attendance is far more important than the activity.

Chances are you're just another boring metalcore clone that puts shitty hardcore breakdowns into your music, anyways. Maybe that's why you determine your success on how much people are moshing at the show. Because you know you stole your sound. And image. Trying to order and coerce your audience into moshing is foolish. Craft a unique and original sound you KNOW people will be captivated and enraged by if you want to ensure they'll mosh to your shit. And irregardless of the amount of mosh activity you view from your lofty positions on stage, you should assume people enjoy the music by their presence alone. If they aren't hucking razor blades or leaving the room, you're doing something right. (Or something stupid enough for them to understand and floor punch to, apparently.)

It takes a really special kind of brutality combined with a certain amount of whiskey to give me the urge to punch people in the fucking face for no reason. My ears can enjoy the music well enough, I don't think it is necessary to get my legs and arms involved - unless it's a completely involuntary action. At which point, my body actually feels the urge to destroy someones ability to breath through their nose. It is not forced, it's just a natural reaction. There's no reason to expel energy to appear "hip" to a bunch of assholes who judge each other by the amount of shitty hardcore breakdowns appear on their contrived metalcore albums.

"You're just a pussy, man!" What's more pussy shithead, feeling the need to mosh to fit in, or holding front row down and conserving your energy for the wild coke and sex parties being held after the show? (Oh, you weren't invited to the aforementioned coke and sex party? That sucks. Will I get you on the VIP list? No. Your girlfriend is more than welcome to attend though.) I'd rather spend my time at the concert...I don't know...WATCHING THE BAND. As a musician, I actually want to see what they are doing. NOT for people to watch my fist coming towards their face and causing their eyeball to explode in a bloody mist. (Unless I'm performing that night with my guitar.) And NOT to watch uncoordinated, piss-drunk assholes sloppily spin and trip across the same dance-floor. God damn attention whores.

I think everyone looks like fucking idiots when they mosh - myself included. But far more so when you can tell it's forced. Nothing looks more awkward than forced moshing.
  
You can even tell some of these assholes are trying SO HARD to mosh the most intense in the room. Well....FUCK YOU people, you are not the focus of the concert, the band you bought tickets to see is the focus of the concert. Stop trying to be the center of attention with your shitty moshing. And get out of the fucking way and let me watch them jam. Go physically assault and molest those people with Trivium shirts on in the corner, I'm here to watch the band.


I have a horrible back. I am pretty sure I can blame this bad back on my various, weaponless, polar bear killing voyages to the arctic. Or maybe the butter-knife lion hunting expeditions in Africa. In any case, it sometimes hurts to stand for the duration of a concert, and I actually prefer sitting if the option is available. (Listening to shitty, generic music and watching shitty, hive-minded fans do shitty, frantic moshing is collectively far more intense than the back pain ever will be.) I'm not gonna strain my back into a series of knots on purpose unless, like I said, my body starts involuntarily inflicting excessive damage to everyone with the barbed wire and glass shard gloves I'm wearing in the pit.

1 comment:

  1. I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete

If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.