Monday, April 16, 2012

Led Zeppelin Sucks and are Severely Overrated

This will probably be the most loathed entry in my entire blog, probably even more than suggesting Casey Anthony should rape Trayvon Martins corpse while Zimmerman masturbates whilst sobbing, but it has to happen. While reading this article, play the above cover of Stairway to Heaven, as performed by Frank Zappa. Not only will it calm your fiery RAGE down a few levels (this rage goes to 11) but it also illustrates what Zeppelin would sound like if a true genius was at the helm.

I. HATE. Led Zeppelin.

Learn how to sing, you asshole.
I'd say Led Zeppelin are, by far, the most overrated band in the history of music. I feel this title is undisputed, and the only band to come close to getting as undeservedly exalted as them would be Nirvana. And although Zeppelin are miles ahead of Nirvana in terms of, well, everything, people don't consider Nirvana the most talented group of musicians of all-time. They just get credit for starting grunge. And killing hair metal. (Those bastards!)

Led Zeppelin is arguably the most celebrated rock band in history. They have millions of die-hard fans, a ridiculous legacy, the mystery and aura that goes along with the early death of a member/refusal of a legitimate reunion...But to people who's ears aren't stuffed to the brain with Jimmy Page and Robert Plants figurative cocks, they aren't all they're cracked out to be. It's obvious when comparing them to their peers they're a bit...out of their league. 
  Let's just say, that in the academy of classic rock, Zeppelin
                         rode the short-bus to school.
Deep Purple make Led Zeppelin sound like Nickelback. Purple could cover ANY Zep tune live and bring it to another level. Zep would stumble around Purps intricate song-structures in a heroin-induced daze, confused the songs have more than 2 riffs in them. If Zep tried to tackle some Tull, Yes, or Gentle Giant? Fugettabout it, their heads would explode at musical dynamics they didn't even knew existed.

Alice Cooper
Black Sabbath
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Deep Purple
Edgar Winter Group
Grateful Dead
Heaven and Hell
Iron Maiden
Jethro Tull
King Crimson
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Meat Loaf
Neil Young
Ozric Tentacles
Pink Floyd
The Who
Uriah Heep
Van Halen
Zappa Plays Zappa

     Cut me a break on that last one, "Zappa Plays Zappa" IS better than Zeppelin. Plus, ZZ Top is a lot harder to sell than Zappa Plays Zappa, and I'm trying to prove a point here, fuckers. I could do this list about 2 or 3 more times, but "Z" and "X" are gonna prove to be tricky. Maybe a "100 Bands Better Than Zeppelin" list next? That would actually be easier.

And now, before you sacrifice me and spill my guts on your Led Zeppelin alters, I offer you rabid fans this peace pipe...

Backstreet Boys
Def Leppard
Foo Fighters
Girl Talk
Jay Z
Lil' Wayne
My Chemical Romance
Obie Trice
Queen Latifah (of the Stone Age)
Tila Tequila
Vanilla Ice
White Stripes

There, we square, fuckers?

Ya know what I really don't understand, is why you Zeppelin fans get so unbelievably pissed someone trashes your band, as if suggesting this band sucks somehow diminishes your credibility. You literally HATE anyone who doesn't love your precious little Wed Zepwin. You are almost as elite as the Grateful Dead cult, yet you are so much angrier. Hell, I enjoyed my time in the Grateful Dead cult thoroughly, and return somewhat frequently. (I also love the Grateful Dead for their unique take on music.)

I'm serious when I say this; you can literally watch any respect you had from a Zeppelin fan quickly drain from their consciousness the second you admit you're not a die-hard fan of the band.
Why the fuck is not liking Zeppelin something you would have to ADMIT to? It's a fucking personal preference and opinion. I BRAG to people I enjoy the song "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal, why should I feel ashamed simply because I don't like a band who gets their egos jacked off constantly by 99 out of 100 music fans and 88.8 out of 89 music critics?
I don't attack people for hating on the entire 80's metal genre, saying bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest are equivalent to Poison. Listen, I'm sorry your brains can't comprehend the musical genius of Savatage, and I pity the fact you'd rather bathe in mediocrity and shitty grunge music or soulless pop drivel, but I'm not gonna attack your right to bathe in that shitty, grungy, bland as shit mediocrity.

Why the fuck does MY opinion matter, any way? I'm just ONE musician, one complete nobody that rants on a comedy blog no one laughs at and releases free music, fairly regularly, that no one listens to. (It would make peoples brains explode, so they're dodging a musical bullet by ignoring my shit.) Who gives a fuck that I don't like Led Zeppelin?
FUCK YOU for personally attacking me for stating an opinion, you fucking shitheads, I didn't even bring you up! This is between ME and LED ZEPPELIN. STAND DOWN! Why are you defending them so vehemently, anyway? Did you fuck Robert Plant backstage at one of his shitty solo shows? Are you a distant relative of the late, great, John Bonham? Do you feel guilty for selling bootleg "Lead Zeppelin" shirts back in the early 70's at one of their gigs, and are trying to realign your moral compass? (Don't worry, they "bootlegged" a huge chunk of their music, stole tons of their shit....they even stole their band name.) Oh, it's just, my opinion is different than yours, you say? Well shut the fuck up, then. Drown me out with some Led Zeppelin. Or better yet, drown yourself.

     Seriously, anyone who's still with me, go say you hate Zeppelin in a crowded area, yell it at the top of your lungs, and watch all the reactions you elicit. People will look at you like you just raped their children after covering your cock (or strap on dildo, for you ladies out there) with cyanide and anthrax and wrapped it with barbed wire or something.
When did Led Zeppelin hate start generating a level of disgust reserved for things like rape, pedophilia, and curb stomping puppies?

UPDATE: June 4th, 2013

It's been over a year, and since this article is still getting so much love....just look at the comments.....I thought I'd update to inform everyone THIS ARTICLE is the very first result when you search "Led Zeppelin sucks" on google. Being the #1 result when you search "Led Zeppelin Sucks" on Google makes me more proud than the 38 minute song I composed and recorded earlier this year.  

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Casey Anthony, Trayvon Martin, and Whitney Houston: Mind-Numbing Propaganda

Ah, a fresh new platform to rant needlessly on. One that hopefully can’t censor my witty brand of enthusiasm destroying humor / hatred.

This was a necessary transition. Facebook just isn’t designed for my brand of long-winded, cynical rant. “The Facebook” is a platform for two things: ego circle jerks and cyber stalking. And all comments are to be taken 100% seriously, due to the lack of voice inflections and facial expressions to accompany the text. (Actual facial expressions, asshole, not the little yellow circles. ;) )

Criticism and satirical banter aren't warranted on Facebook, how offensive! Not only that, but some of the shit I say might be considered..."harmful" to my well-being when posted on Facebook, considering Facebook is 99% likely a CIA funded project designed to gather as much information about its users as possible. This includes Mission Impossible-esque shit like facial recognition.
The fuck is this shit? I just wanted to post pictures of my cat Admiral Scrambles in funny outfits, not be thrown into a CIA database. God damn you, Facebook!

And some humorless bastards actually reported one of the “observations" I chose to make, buncha pansies. You didn't HAVE to read what I posted, fuckhead, and you are personally choosing to be offended by it, headfuck. At least leave it up so other people can laugh at it, you fascist.

  People actually HAD responded favorably, there was a couple 'likes' and even a few comments of people implying laughter or snickering had ensued. But no no no, there is no fun to be had when the status-Nazi is on patrol.

Hell, you could have monitored the posts activity, instead of removing it, and form a hate club with anyone else faggy enough to be offended. But instead you suggested the post was removed? For shame. Now only the CIA has that intel.

I will post the 'offensive' quote in question.

“Casey Anthony should rape the corpse of Trayvon Martin while Zimmerman masturbates in the corner, sobbing quietly to Whitney Houston’s entire discography as it plays erotically in the background.

Broadcast it LIVE on EVERY NETWORK.”

 Is this really any worse than the mind-numbing filth you are exposed to by your television sets on the daily? In fact, I feel it was a rather bold and noble statement to make, a selfless gesture of honorable chivalry. I'm not saying I'm Mother Theresa or anything, but it was definitely a courageous statement made for the benefit of society.
Oh wait, it was too offensive? bad.
Forgive me for trying to point out the absurdity of focusing unnecessary media attention on insignificant occurrences. And let me forgive again for doing so in my own unique, delightfully whimsical fashion.
Journalistic integrity is cast aside in favor of the sensationalizing of otherwise personal and mundane conflicts. Shit that will NEVER effect you in any way, whatsoever, beyond how you personally react to it. And you're getting force fed this white dog shit on the daily, hour after hour, day after torturous day. 
Casey Anthony may have killed her daughter.....maybe her father did. Maybe it was Professor Plum in the kitchen. Who knows? WHO CARES, more importantly? It’s an unfortunate situation, the very tragic murder of a poor innocent child. But it's all mind games and propaganda to focus on the trial in the media for three years.
And I’m sure Caseys daughter feels vindicated in heaven seeing her death sparking a 3 year media white-out to focus on her murder. 
"Fuck privacy. We need entertainment! Hm...let's exploit this horrible tragedy for a few years!"
I don’t mean to sound cold, but this case was simply none of our business. And neither are all the details of every dead celebrities autopsy, or what they were doing in their dying moments. Whitney Houston had fucking SNIPERS on the rooftops during the live broadcast of her funeral. That's right, they broadcast the entire funeral LIVE on most major networks…and even had SNIPERS on the fuckin' roof-tops.
Maybe the media should put its focus on people that are, I don't know, still ALIVE? Namely, informing their viewers a small, wealthy elite are fucking up our ecosystem and sociological infrastructure to maximize their profits at the expense of our health and well-being?

 This whole, Trayvor Martin and Zimmerman communication cluster-fuck? It's already becoming the figurative poster child of a race-war. This story is being spun a certain way, ON PURPOSE, as a shameless attempt from the crooked establishment to start a race war. Or, at the very least, to divert attention away from some new bill raping our rights, putting its post-rape cigarette out on the constitution. It has all the tell-tale signs of a false-flag designed to get everyone feeling nice and racist, nice and hateful, nice and spiteful of each other, spiteful for no reason. Which is perfect for these sketchy, elusively powerful bastards;
As the world falls apart on a moral, societal, financial, and cultural level, everyone's too busy hating each other over skin color, religion, sexual preference, and shoe size instead of directing their hate at the shadow government conditioning them to have these prejudice thoughts. "Lets ignore the shadow government stifling the advancement of our entire species; there's too many sandniggers and Jews to hate first!" 
They were only showing pre-teen pictures of Trayvon. Pictures taken many, many years ago. Of course the dude is gonna look like a Klansman when you think he killed a 10 year old. Why do you think they used the younger pictures?
And I'm not gonna debate what happened between these two people, because I wasn't there,'s none of my business.
The media, again, chooses to sensationalize every aspect of this story that will incite hatred. The desired result of this story is - racist fueled distraction. They are intentionally riling people up to keep them oblivious to the important issues. It's pretty pathetic how bad it's gotten, how much manufactured hate we are subjected to on a daily basis. At least make the hate funny and self-aware, ya lazy bastards. Put some 'humor sprinkles' and 'melted comedy' on the ice-cream hatred sundae you're serving us, shitheads.

So with the way they were reporting, everyone is sympathetic with the "child" now, and they start focusing on the race of these people when it should not be a focus in the story at all. In my opinion, it's kinda racist to judge what happened between these two based on the color of their skin. For that even to pop into your mind? "Well what color was the victim and what color was the assailant?" That was a racist thought in itself, dipshit. Way to go, you racist pricks.
And with the media themselves focusing primarily on the race of these people, they might as well be wearing Klansman outfits and burning crosses on live TV themselves. These asshat corporate shills don't have us all fooled though, I see right through your subliminal messages you fucking scumbags.
They’re getting everyone all hyped up on hatred for the wrong things, and spite for the wrong people based on the wrong reasons.
     I’ve seen people posting stuff on media platforms such as Yahoo! news; “A black man recently killed an elderly couple. He RAPED the wife. The husband was a World War II vet. But you won’t hear THAT in the news. If it was a black couple that had got murdered, you would have heard about it, blah blah blah, racist, racist, rabble rabble."
All right, we get it; you're deeply conditioned at this point and actually fell hook line and sinker for the racist thoughts the media have been planting into your subconscious. Quick news flash, though, the media outlets are the ones you should actually be mad at, for conditioning you in such away. You should not, however, be angry an entire race. Its stupid.
Let’s make two simple observations here, about this other "rape/murder of elderly couple" story: 
  • The story is about the rape of an elderly woman followed by the subsequent gruesome double murder of her and her husband as carried out by a morally bankrupt shell of a human being. No, not a morally bankrupt shell of a BLACK man, a morally bankrupt shell of a HUMAN BEING. That ISN’T mainstream news worthy, its too blatantly dark. They prefer symbolism and metaphor when displaying their violence.
  • Wouldn’t a propaganda-based media, attempting to cover-up government and corporate funded tyranny and injustice, intentionally spell out an entire race as the victim of a personal conflict? Doing this to intentionally infuriate both sides in an attempt to incite a planned race war, effectively keeping the nation of people divided and unaware of the true culprits of injustice and murder poisoning the spirit, mind, and bodies of millions of people the worldwide over on a daily basis?

That's what I thought, asshole.