Saturday, December 15, 2012

A List of Things I Would Do To Or With Emilia Clarke

Seems like the internet has the same creepy obsession with Emilia Clarke as I do. Every hot-blooded male that watches Game of Thrones shares this obsession - Emilia Clarke is fucking HOT. My celebrity fap regiment progressed from Jessica Alba in my younger days, to Olivia Munn in my "college" years, and now that process is dominated by Emilia Clarke. In the spirit of giving my users what they the spirit of giving the general internet public what they want, as according to Cracked (the success of which being a strong indication of our generations complete lack of an attention span) is a list of things I would do to or with Emilia Clarke. With the exception of the obvious, like having sex with her, marrying her, impregnating her without pushing her down a flight of stairs a week later, putting it in her butt, etc. We'd all do those things to her, so this list will be more dedicated to the over-the-top things I'd do for a chance to get a three second whiff of her moistened panties.

1. Snort lines of cocaine off her tits and ass. Hell, I'd snort lines of Pixie Stix of dat ass.
2. Sit through the entirety of the Notebook, maybe even multiple times in a row. Hell, I've even watch the entire Twilight saga with her.
3. Tongue her asshole daily.
3B. Let her tongue my asshole. Not something I'm into, but what kind of gentleman would I be if I denied this beautiful young lady access to my anu(bi)s if that was her thing?
4. Swim backwards through piranhi infested water with 50 lb weights tied to each of my limbs while blindfolded, drunk, and on Oxycontins while a boat full of hecklers rides alongside of me, tossing thumbtacks and vials of battery acid on me and shooting me with nail guns, just to get a chance to drink a glass of her week old bath water.
4B. Swim BACK across whatever piranhi infested body of water I described in 4.

5. A number of things I'm too ashamed of writing on this blog.

6. Rape.

Let's be serious for a minute here. Emilia Clarke is a gorgeous heavenly blessed beauty. Something about her just bring out the unparalleled HNNNG. Maybe it's when she's half naked, covered in dirt and grime and looking so innocent and helpless? I can't tell. Something about her elevates her above the normal level of hot, particularly in Game of Thrones episodes. 

And apparently, hundreds of people visiting this blog from Google agree. I covered this phenomena in two earlier posts, 
Game of Thrones (Kid-Friendly Article)
My Viewers are Perverts

So in a shameless attempt at pulling in even more viewers, without having to actually produce more content, I will now type out every single phrase found in my recent "Search Keywords" blogspot statistics.

 game of thrones nudity
game of thrones nudes
a game of thrones nudity
 emilia clarke ass
emilia clarke game of thrones nude
emilia clarke game of thrones nuda
emilia clarke nu
emilia clarke nude scene

This bitch is so hot, people can't even type correctly when they're searching for her nude photos. "emilia clarke game of thrones nuda," "emilia clarke nu" Relax, neckbeard, you'll find the pictures you're looking for, don't worry. She's only naked every other scene in Game of Thrones...fortunately for us perverted viewers. Hell, she even had that epic lesbian scene.

Can't leave out these other perverted or just downright strange search terms, now can we?
hot zombie
 nailed to the cross
world war z film zombie
ariana grande ass
walking dead tits
1950's office nudes
stfu with yo shit
 landing strip
very young disney porn
accidental exposure janet jackson
catwoman kills bane
led zeppelin sucks
maggie greene walking dead porn 
interspecies rape hentai
elcor rape.jpg

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Children Have Been Doing A Humping Motion.

This article is too funny. It honestly reads like a parody. Tell me if I'm wrong, here....

First of all, why is a picture of children even necessary? Just look at their expressions. The bitch all the way in the back, to the left, is all like "Uh-uh, nigga...I don't want no part in dis shit." The little boy in the middle is already smiling like a donut, pointing his little 5 year-old finger in lusty wonderment at the depictions of penetration on the television scream. And the girl on the far right, closest to the camera, is eating her popcorn with a slutty look of satisfaction, as if she's seen this happen a thousand times before. "Oh, don't worry mom and dad, you think this is bad? You should've seen the shit that cut-off the Little Mermaid the last time it was on. You'd piss yourself if you saw that." No doubt this girl has a wonderful career ahead of her with Bang Bros.

Ok, now look at the caption they put for this picture in the article.

"Movie night for Georgie Brown's young children (not shown) accidentally included a few minutes of pornography. The matter is being investigated, says Dish Network." 

I think it's fair to assume the children in the picture aren't Georgie Browns children, NYDaily. It's not like these toddlers have found the time to pose for the press after being mentally scarred and traumatized by the apparent MULTIPLE MINUTES OF PORN they were subjected to. How does that even get by, for multiple minutes? Remember how bad people were freaking out over the Janet Jackson nipple slip at the Superbowl? 

That Superbowl nip-slip-up was nothing in comparison to the act of full penetration playing on the TV screen. Think about it....

Firstly, the nip slip during the half-time show lasted several seconds. The full penetration lasted for several minutes. 

Secondly, there is some kind of sun piercing covering the majority of the nipple, it looks like they planned the entire thing to generate a huge buzz in the press. The full penetration, on the other hand, wasn't planned. And there was no sun piercings covering nipples. Nor was there anything covering the mans penis - except the womans vagina.

Thirdly, Janet Jackson looks like Michael Jackson. So since she looks so much like Michael, it's not even really's like seeing Michael Jackson flashing his nipple. Nothing sexual about that in the least. It might be traumatizing for all the boys he molested to see this, but not for the rest of us. Imagine MJs victims, enraged, screaming at their TVs, "Why didn't you have those boobs when you molested me, Michael Jackson?! WHY?!"

Back to the article itself.

Usually Disney films warm our hearts. But this time a Disney film faded away and pornography took its place.

 Disney films do NOT usually warm our hearts. In fact, Disney films make me want to burn down orphanages, and start working fast-food just so I can spit in people's food.

Hardcore porn inexplicably aired in the middle of a Lilo and Stitch broadcast on the Disney Channel. And one North Carolina mother isn't happy that a satellite service exposed her children to porn.

Wait, this mother isn't happy about the porn? So she's ecstatic, right?

f course people are gonna be pissed. But only one?

Georgie Brown recorded the PG-rated animated movie for her three children. The kids loved the zany antics of the fictional alien Stitch.

Fuck Stitch. Stitch was way cooler as Nibbler.

"Brown pressed play and exited the room. But about a minute into the movie, much more adult antics appeared on the television in their Fairview, N.C. home."

Thanks for the completely random update of the location of their home. I love how you haphazardly threw this information into a sentence where it had absolutely no relevance.

The images from the Disney film pixilated and disappeared. Then footage of a man and woman having sex appeared before Brown's one-year-old son, three-year-old daughter, and five-year-old son. least it wasn't a man and a llama having sex. Or a man and a corpse.

The porn lasted for six minutes before returning to the family film.

Wait a second, six fuckin' minutes? SIX MINUTES?! Where the fuck were the parents for six minutes? Why did they not hear the sounds of sex playing on the TV? Where the parents having sex of their own in the other room, and mistook the sounds coming from the TV as the sounds of their own pleasure?

Have you ever tried to watch porn in a house where other people are home? You can't crank that shit. Bitches are all over the place with their moaning, one second they're moaning soft, the next second they're screaming "FUCK MY PUSSY HARDER!" You can't watch porn in a house with other people, without THEM knowing, unless it's on mute. So how did these parents NOT hear the porn for 6 full minutes?

"I just heard things that probably shouldn't be on 'Lilo or Stitch," Brown told Fox Carolina. She rushed into the family room to turn the porn off.

 It's Lilo AND Stitch, you moran. Not Lilo OR Stitch.

Her daughter cried and her oldest son covered his ears as he ran from the room.

The scenario playing out in my mind is too funny. I wonder how hard the fucking depicted was, if it was just softcore Skinemax stuff or really hardcore, graphic, sweaty sex, with the girl screaming her lungs out at a volume just barely over the sound of the mans ballsack slapping against her tender buttocks.

“It’s a woman, on top of a man, full penetration,” Brown said. “This is not something that’s on HBO. This is like pay-per-view. I’m astonished that this is on there.”

"I usually have to pay $19.99 to watch porn, and these little bastards get it for free during Lilo or Stitch?!" And was she literally astonished at this? That's a pretty strong word. This lady has never been on the internet, apparently. 

At first she thought her children changed the channel but soon discovered that the footage was part of the Dish Network broadcast.
John Hall, senior manager of corporate communications for Dish, said that the company does not downplay the importance of this mishap.
 "We are taking this matter very seriously. Our engineering groups are actively investigating these reports," John Hall, senior manager of corporate communications for Dish, told the Daily News. 

(In between short bursts of stifled laughter.)
Brown recorded the sexually explicit material about 12:30 p.m. on Sept 7. Hall explained that Dish goes to great lengths so that such mistakes do not occur.
"As a matter of long practice," Hall said, "we have strong technical and operational controls in place, including content encryption, to ensure that customers receive content they want and, as importantly, are prevented from seeing content they do not want."

Phrasing, guys, PHRASING!
But Brown claimed that Dish still has not contacted the family to apologize.
“Dish has not called. All they have done is send a technician out here to verify what we have said... It has been seven days now,” she told the Daily News. “The children have been doing a humping motion. To watch your three-year-old and five-year-old doing that is heartbreaking.”

 “The children have been doing a humping motion. To watch your three-year-old and five-year-old doing that is heartbreaking.”

“The children have been doing a humping motion. To watch your three-year-old and five-year-old doing that is heartbreaking.”

Seriously though, to end the article with that quote...
"The children have been doing a humping motion. To watch your three-year-old and five-year-old doing that is heartbreaking." It's like I'm reading the Onion. Hell, the Onion usually comes off a lot more professional and a lot more realistic.

So....good job, NY Daily News. Not only did I get a chuckle while reading the article, but I got material for an article of my own...this very one you're reading. It took me about a half hour. Kudos for writing half the thing for me.
I don't see how it was all that shocking that Disney would air porn, even if by accident. It's not like they've had a completely squeaky clean past, here.....
 I fuckin' knew it.

And just remember, lady....

Back in my day, Disney put the porn IN THE FUCKING MOVIE.