#ChefLife

In an effort to combat the trivial act of people taking pictures of the meal they just cooked to show off on social media, I shall now do the same. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em........and mock them accordingly.

PHASE 1: PREPARATION

 

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why breakfast food is probably the easiest type of food to cook, and usually the most delicious. But I like to mix things up from your standard eggs and toast, and throw some onions and broccoli into the mix. This is probably the "healthiest" meal I regularly eat.

PHASE 2: INGESTION

There it is, the finished meal. Shower me with likes and adoration. Your attentive complimenting is the sustenence and nourishment of my very existence.

 PHASE 3: EXCRETION

While I did drink excessively last night, explaining the diarrhea, make no mistake; this happens frequently. Notice the unhealthy looking poo? Pretty sure my stomach is riddled with cancer from drinking so much Coca Cola over the years. (Snorting all that cocaine probably didn't help the situation either.)

The best part of this picture is I unintentionally took it upside down, turning my thumbs up into a thumbs down. Seems fitting.

Jenny and Spencer Should Fist Each Other On Live TV

Corny humor makes me want to punt babies through burning field goals. And that's because corny humor is always a wink, nudge, patronizing smile, and middle finger held behind the back. And the internet has no shortage of corny humor. All it takes is good timing, one lucky share, then out of no where everyone starts re-posting the same stupid thing while finger fucking themselves, giddy with unwarranted excitement, and then for a week you can't even go online or else you'll be reminded about that stupid viral thing everyone else is incessantly re-posting like it's the cure to cancer.

Enter "Jenny vs. Spencer"
 

Jenny and Spencer are both attention whoring faggots. Their little passive aggressive dry-erase slideshow exchange is one of the worst things I've ever seen. I'd rather watch an Eel Soup and 2 Girls 1 Cup crossover.....in person....than have to see this stupid fucking dry-erase slideshow battle again.

I'd say Jenny and Spencer are on the same level of faggot as those idiots taking selfies at wakes and funerals in front of the open caskets of their dead relatives. Attention whoring pieces of shit.

You've already seen it, don't act like you haven't. That chick with glasses quits her job by making a slideshow. Each picture has a message written on a dry erase board and an annoyingly exaggerated, "quirky" facial expression. Then it cuts to her boss, who retorts with a slideshow of his own, and everyone who sees this horrible display of this generations petty vanity and self-obsessed nature are supposed to laugh at how clever these two faggots are for indirectly attacking each other through pictures on the internet.

The whole thing is a hoax.

As if it wasn't lame enough, as if I didn't hate these two sacks of shit enough already, the whole thing is fake. This wouldn't have been funny if it were real, it still would have been annoying as fuck. But the exchange being fake? Holy fuck, how pathetic, lonely, and meaningless is your existence that you need to do shit like this?

"I have no ambition or goals. My life is a hollow, meaningless shell with nothing to put inside of it. What should I do? I know! I'll go viral with some corny hoax! That will give me a reason not to wash my entire xanax presciption down with this bottle of grain alcohol!"Why would you want this stupid shit to go viral? Think about the process of how this viral hoax came to fruition.

Someone thought it was a good idea to fake-quit a job they never had. They thought it was hilariously witty to stage a fake argument waged with slideshows. They wasted hours of their time writing a series of passive aggressive messages on a dry erase board, posing with each message for a photo with an annoying, exaggerated facial expression....I bet this whole fucking thing was based around that lame "Trash Dispencer" joke.

"That trash dispencer pun is gold! We really need to make it go viral. We just need a vehicle to house this powerhouse joke in....I know! A dry-erase slideshow argument!"
 

As if making a slideshow with a dry erase board wasn't faggy enough, staging an entire drama around it just brings it to that aforementioned "selfies at funerals" fagginess level, a level so few things attain.

How much of an attention whore do you need to be to do something like this? That's like two kids in school staging a fight so they both look tough. It's like taking a puff off a joint and not inhaling to look cool....for years. It's like that chick that was drinking non-alcoholic beer at a party that fell down the stairs while pretending to be drunk.

 

You really want the attention THAT BAD, Jenny and Spencer? How about this. Get yourself on live TV and fist each other. Now THAT will be impressive. The Olympics is still going until the 23rd, so why not squeeze past security so you can squeeze your fists into each others loose buttholes as people from around the entire world watch? You certainly can't hoax a fisting on live TV, that's for sure.

Battle of the Band's Sales Numbers

So I entered my band into a Battle of the Bands to play an upcoming music festival. I get an email back confirming my band had been selected to be in the battle. But as I continued to read, nothing of battle was mentioned. Nothing about live shows, fans, venues, or even music was mentioned. Everything I read about was sales numbers, pricing, unique band links and promotion, and how to avoid coming across as a spammer, and....wait a second.....this isn't a battle of the bands at all.

This is a sales contest.

What kind of bullshit is that? Not only do they expect bands to essentially work for free as promoters and ticket jockies, they also have the audacity to patronize us at the start of the e-mail with a CONGRATULATIONS?! Congratulations for what, assholes? We get to work for you without getting paid, and on the off-chance we have the richest fan base, we might be able to buy our way in to the festival? We're being congratulated on being given the chance to exploit our fan-base so we can enjoy a hollow, meaningless victory?
 

Congrats, your band has been carefully selected to be given the honor of selling tickets to our show! You will receive no commission from these sales and the only way you will personally benefit is if you sell more tickets than everyone else! So get out there and start exploiting your fan-base! And again....congratulations!

So I continue reading about what the competition entails and......the competition is literally sharing a unique link and selling tickets and rooms to this festival. No music throwdown...no judges....no voting.....just ticket sales.

That is the most corporate, anti-music format for a Battle of the Bands I've ever seen. This isn't a Battle of the Promoters, it's a Battle of the BANDS, or at least it's supposed to be. Getting the most ticket sales is a hollow victory, completely meaningless. That has absolutely nothing to do with the music. I understand promoters need to make their money back, but I've done the promotion route and I'd never ask bands to exploit their fans to compete for a spot in a festival. Again, that's meaningless and hollow. They might as well set up Ebay auctions for those "Battle of the Band" timeslots.

Hip hop MCs get fucked over even worse. They pay $50, maybe even $100 to share a bill with 20 other assholes stupid enough to pay to play. Then they get a 5 minute set opening for some unknown rapper who once stood behind Tech N9ne in the line at a grocery store. Completely ridiculous. How gangster is it to pay money to play set to a crowd populated entirely by other people who payed money to play? That's the least gangster thing a rapper can do. Helping old ladies across the street is infinitely more gangster than paying money to get rushed on stage to rush through two songs. Ridiculously patronizing, dawg.

On the other side of the spectrum, metal bands oftentimes have to buy tickets up front and sell them to earn their money back. That's not fucking metal. You punch that promoter in the face and start headbanging. Then you grab their tie and yank on it, slamming their face into the table and covering it with even more promoter blood, screaming in your best death metal growl "WE DON'T PAY TO PLAY!" Then the bassist Larry comes in with a bitching King Diamond falsetto and the drummer Harrison harmonizes the King Diamond falsetto and cookie monster growl with a Ronnie James DIO inspired "LOOK OUT!" At this point the promoter, who soiled himself upon his business-tie face plant, will nervously agreed to these conditions. Upon hearing the negotiation is a success, random death metal floosies will seemingly appear out of thin air and the metal band will start doing lines of coke off their tattooed asses.

Sell tickets to play a show......
Spam a link across Facebook to get a slot.....

How less about the music and more about the money could that possibly get? Ask yourself, should this be about who has the richest fans and deepest pockets, or should it be about who has the crunchiest grooves, funkiest jams and ragin'est fans?

Love and Tolerance (Two Part Series Premiere!)

Forgot to hit "Publish" on this article from January 1st.

Love and Tolerance: New Years Eve

(an Infinite Jelly Production)

 

Love and Tolerance: New Years Day

(also an Infinite Jelly Production)

Of Tinder, Effortless Sex and Selfies

I got a smart phone recently. First time I've ever owned one of these technologically advanced cock-suckers. I've gotta admit, I wish I had gotten a smart phone earlier, it has so many perks. (And no, not percocet, but that would be badass too.)
 

• An MP3 player in my car.
• Comic book reader. I read the entire Walking Dead series right off my Galaxy, while waiting in line at Wal-Mart, while taking a dump, while driving to work. I started reading old school Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as well, and holy fuck were they violent in comic form. Leonardo literally slices peoples throats open.
• I actually get service in most places, which is strange as a T-Mobile customer.
• Wi-Fi internet.
• After years of dealing with really shitty phones, I actually get good reception. Now I can hear a discernible, static-ridden difference when the government is tapping my call.
• Notifications from G-mail and Soundcloud right on my phone are very convenient.
• Any time I come up with a hilariously witty anecdote, I can sign right into Facebook and desperately seek the approval of my Facebook "friends."
• I have the opportunity to smash sluts I've never met based on a match system that links people who share mutual attraction of each others Facebook photos.

 

That's right, I've downloaded a dating app out of equal parts curiosity and horniness, and as you already could tell from the article title, it's a little app called Tinder. Basically I get presented with the Facebook pictures of girls that live within 75 miles, and then have the option of either "Liking" the picture or giving a fat old "NOPE." (NOPE being the option I assume 99% of the women on this app choose when presented with my profile.)

In other words, you get shown a picture and the app is basically saying "Would you bang her? Ok, how about her? And her?"

I use it sparingly because I already know I ain't gonna get my dick wet using this stupid fucking app. Sure, I would gladly smash 90% of the chicks on Tinder, but that's because 90% of the chicks on Tinder are pretty hot. Plus, since I never really considered sex all that big of a deal, my standards are pretty lenient. I've had better orgasms whacking off than the orgasms I've had with some of the loose sluts I've fucked in my shameless day. I bet these Tinder sluts get 100 matches every day, so why they gonna shoot for the kid with dreadlocks raging a guitar on stage? They aren't aware of the monstrous size of my dick, and on top of that, ambition dries pussy up faster than a 2 inch cock with a visible herpes lesion.
 
So many hot chicks on there, though. It blows my mind how many hot chicks are on Tinder. That SHOULD be a good thing, right? Hot chicks on a dating app is win for all of us guys who are desperate, pathetic, or curious enough to try it out, RIGHT?! Better than choosing between a bunch of uglies.
   
But why the fuck do hot chicks need a dating app? How could they possibly need MORE dick in their lives?
  

I'd say it's really about the attention; these chicks seek that validation from strangers. They feel validated when they get 75 matches in the course of a half hour, and now they even have all sorts of options available to them, should they decide to leave their boyfriend and monkey branch right into their next relationship. When the rush of getting 50 likes on their daily selfies with corny quotes attached dissipates, a new rush is required to fill that void. So, enter sites like Instagram, and dating apps like Tinder. A woman does NOT need a fucking dating app to get laid, that's preposterous.
  

Women get laid effortlessly. Sure, she'll do her hair all nice, take an hour to do her makeup, choose an outfit....then she has the arduous and taxing burden of contacting the other 8 dudes she was thinking about fucking that night to tell them all she's busy with college work before heading out for a night of effortless, casual sex. This process repeats indefinitely - a woman could go her entire life monkey branching from one casual fling to the other, and all she needs to do is put on makeup (false-advertising) and get good at toying with peoples emotions, borderline-sociopath style.

Women work hard to make themselves look good, and they work even harder to maintain a non-whorish reputation...but sadly, with most women of my generation, that's where the self-development ends. Some chicks really are CUNTS, in that all they are is a vagina with a body attached and a boring, socially engineered personality. No original thought. No passions. No hobbies. Oh, you hula hoop, you say? Hula hooping is your passion, that's your big ambition? That isn't a fucking hobby unless the hula hoop is on fire, you talentless skank. You expect to win a gold medal at the olympics in sexy hula hooping? Find yourself some ambition, maybe then you won't need three dicks inside you at all times to feel semi-happy about your boring personality and mundane life.
   
For women, getting laid is like shooting cocks in a barrel. A simple text, a simple Facebook status complaining about needing to cuddle, and a dozen or more suitors will be swarming this broad in minutes, like flies on shit.
   

I just don't get it. Why are these sluts complaining? Why are they acting so hurt and mistreated and abused all the time, complaining on Facebook with vaguely slutty, attention seeking bullshit? It's so fashionable to talk shit about men...we're all pigs, we all cheat, all we want is sex, blah blah blah. But at least we're fucking honest. At least we're transparent. And literally every one of those not only applies to females too, they arguably apply even more. Most women are pigs, most women are 99.99% more likely to cheat than men, and all they really want is sex. (And your money. {And security. [And to feel wanted. <And unwarranted, constant attention.>]})

I've seen this one chick running around festivals half naked, getting free drugs and being followed by a constant swarm of male admirers, and all this bitch does online is post self-pitying bullshit on her Facebook. ALL SHE NEEDS TO DO IS TEXT ANY MALE IN HER PHONE....and she'll get laid that night. I know, because I saw her at festivals. She can get dick in less than 10 minutes, depending on location. I would give her the dick. And yet all she does is complain, and whine, and hate on all men just because her shallow personality attracts equally shallow suitors. How you gonna sit there and act all depressed when you can get laid effortlessly? How do you expect me to feel bad for you when I've gone a full year without getting my dick wet? This bitch expects to have her cake spoon-fed to her while she purchases the bakery and fires the original owner. She's complaining about "there are no decent guys left, waaaahhh" and yet the first decent guy that shows any interest in her, she'll immediately treat like shit. It's almost as if most women are even more clueless about how their brains work than us guys are.

Oh no, effortless sex isn't enough for these stupid sluts, they constantly fish for attention with weepy, woe-is-me bullshit. Just look at this shit, I've seen several girls post this, actually. If you're one of them and are reading this, I'll make you feel all sorts of wanted with my giant dick. Stop whining and jump on my face, you sloppy slam pigs.

 

I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.
  

What a crock of melodramatic bullshit. I hope the person that quote originated from slit their wrists right after posting it. And to any female sharing this quote for attention.....how about you go on Tinder for 3 minutes and get yourself laid? That's all the time you'll need because YOU'RE A FUCKING GIRL and have to put in no effort whatsoever. Try being a man, you whiney sluts. You know how much effort it takes to get laid for a guy? Too much for me to even give a fuck about it, it's just not worth the effort when I have actual shit going on in life to worry about. When I actually get laid, it's usually quite effortlessly. But that's because sex, and the desire to get laid, doesn't dictate the flow and mood of my life. (Or maybe it's because when I get laid it's usually with sluts. Or, mayhap, a combination of the two.)

Why the fuck should I put a shit-ton of effort to get laid? Compared to the entirely shallow and hollow personality of most sluts these days, I'm the fucking prize. Most of these girls have a hole I want to put my dick inside, and they look nice. What else do most of them have besides being hot? Nothing; that's why they attention whore on social media. Me, I have a band, have a solo music project, compose soundtracks, write comedy, dabble in graphic design, play a dozen instruments, develop a comedy web-series, throw shows, play at music festivals....I got ambition and the talent to back it up. And although I'm not conventionally good-looking....the whole dreadlock and beard look narrows my chances down considerably....I'm pretty jacked for someone who hasn't been to a gym in years. And all she does is look hot and have a hole that makes my pole swole.

Sorry, not interested in chasing around vapid, boring sluts just because it feels really, really, really good to stick my dick inside their slit. I'll just use my hand until a chick worth keeping around shows up. But relationships are all a crock of shit nowadays too, because as a wise man once said, you can lead a vagina to the water but you can't make the vagina drink. Chicks complain all the fucking time how there are "no nice guys" left, how chivalry and loyalty are dead. Well guess what, skanks? You fucking killed them both, you dumb sluts, because any time a guy that's a decent person shows interest you lose interest immediately. Even the term "Nice guy" is patronizing, as if this chode is gonna be taking his jacket off to escort girls over puddles. Hey Mr Nice Guy, why not lead the stupid slut AROUND THE FUCKING PUDDLE? The world is a big place, you can move in many diverse directions.

I mean, part of me wishes I was a womanizer. But another part of me is glad I don't have herpes, and still another part of me prefers having actual ambition in life beyond getting my dick wet. And unfortunately, it seems like the majority of the entire generation I'm from base their entire lives around relationships, around getting laid. That goes for women AND men. What a shallow, trivial existence. You really NEED a spouse to feel complete in life? Fucking losers.

I'm talking a lot of shit about the females of my generation in this article, but make no mistake readers, I am an equal-opportunity hater. Most dudes these days are lame as fuck too. But why should I care? Other than the fact they're the ones getting all the pussy......the generic wiggers that act gangster when they're from the suburbs. The talentless DJs who press space, fist pump for hours, and get treated with unwarranted respect and admiration, despite the fact they literally just let other peoples music play through a PA system and took credit for it. Why should I give a fuck, though? Boring, generic idiots banging boring, generic sluts seems about right. Yep, most of this generation sucks ass.

There are people out there who have no talents, no dreams, no ambitions....they constantly seek validation through their Facebook, despite not having a single insightful thing to say. How you gonna fish for compliments on Facebook with selfies? Why not share a piece of music you composed, a painting you painted, a witty anecdote? Of course, every time I share my music or art or comedy, it gets largely ignored. People get pretty annoyed when you promote the stuff YOU SPENT HOURS CREATING. Maybe they're just self-conscious that they themselves have no talent to speak of, and the talent of others makes them uncomfortable. 

 

"STOP INVITING ME TO EVENTS!" Well stop being a shallow fucking idiot and getting angry when someone else shows more initiative in life than you. The cocksuckers getting mad at event invites on Facebook should not be on Facebook. Because if the 5 seconds it takes to look at a Facebook notification, and realizing it's only an event invite, is enough to make you personally attack someone clearly you have absolutely no life. You're enraged your notification feed is being filled without more validation for your crappy existence.

Hilariously enough, the people who do everything they do in life just to get laid are the exact people that SHOULD NOT be breeding. If your entire existence revolves around sex, you're doing it wrong.

  
I swear the majority of (single) women in my generation have three hobbies: shopping, partying, and fucking. How these are even considered hobbies is beyond me, because who DOESN'T like buying themselves shit, getting wasted with friends, and fucking? And yet for some reason, all a chick has to do is bat her eyelashes and bite her lower lip and most dudes (myself included) are half-stiff and ready to smash immediately.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Tinder? Oh ya, Tinder.

  

This is what I call, "Desperation Mode."

Just a side-note, I speak in very wide, sweeping generalizations through this article. Everyone I personally associate with in real life and consider friends are good people with talent and aspirations and interesting personalities. I wouldn't take a bullet for most of them, but I would attack the gunman with only minor hesitation.

The birds eye view of society I use on this blog will almost always generate long-winded, negative rants - that's why it's called venting. I'm specifically honing in on what I hate to wring out any sort of half-baked comedy I can.

In other words, if I think you're a fucking idiot, I'd tell you in person, or just stop associating with you entirely. Most people I know are rad, and I am of the impression that most people have the capability to be rad. It's the social conditioning that shoehorns people into boring, shallow existences...it's their job to rise above that monotony, think for themselves, and become an interesting person. Not just a generic automaton looking to get laid like most people seem to be. Find your passion, your talent, and attempt to live your dreams. Most will fail in succeeding their dreams, but hey, at least an actual attempt was made, something more than the average menu of working a 9-5, paying your bills, desperately fumbling through relationships and/or casual sex to give your shallow existence meaning, and being a completely boring fuck.