Monday, February 2, 2015

Sup Fuckers


Holy fuck, it's been ages since I've posted a single word on here. The last two posts were poorly paid freelance gigs. (Hey, get me hits on my website. Hey, review this shitty game for $2 on your blog.) But I've had a lot going on.


Album releases

scythe saga, synthwave

https://jonoftheshred.bandcamp.com/album/precipitous-ascent

https://jonoftheshred.bandcamp.com/album/circuit-board-lunacy

https://jonoftheshred.bandcamp.com/album/a-clash-of-steel-and-circuits





Saturday, August 23, 2014

Eat This Jerky Or Bad Juju Follow You

This jerky is the be all end all of jerky. If you eat this jerky your bench press will double, you'll get a raise, and your wife will finally want to do a threesome. If you eat this jerky whilst fighting ninjas with semi-automatic weaponry, you'll gain the ability to shoot laser beams from your fingertips - but only on a full moon in October. Eat this shit, son.....or else.
 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Classic Kids Room Hidden Obeject Review

Hey guys, time for another Sweet Funky Freedom Review! BADABOOSH! This review is pertaining to a game found on the eduxtive website. Eduxtive is a website that offers educational themed games for children. These games are free and streaming directly on the website, and are admittedly quite addictive, not unlike dust or hoochie.

The game I'm choosing to review for this particular adventure in writing will be the "Classic Kids Room Hidden Obeject Review." I gotta say, the misspelling of the word "Object" immediately drew me to the game like a magnet. The game itself gave me a very high and potent dose of nostalgia - this game totally reminds me of the I Spy games. It's reminiscent, in fact, of a number of games we played in grade school computer class, the names of which escape me but were ultimately very fun and addictive games despite their educational slant.
This game focuses on finding objects within each room. You get a half dozen images at the top of the screen, things like alarm clocks, teddy bears and other stuffed animals, globes, books, radios and hats, among other things. You must find them amongst the room, but be weary, for all the objects are cluttered about in a clumsily messy fashion.

There is also a time limit, so make sure your clicking is efficient and true! I'd also advise you be careful where exactly you choose to click - if you click an incorrect object, you'll be penalized points for your hastiness and lack of patience. Kids need this aspect to games - if you don't add the penalty, they'll think they can make it through their entire lives spam clicking blindly in the dark, hoping to hit the right objects and progress based on sheer luck alone. This game tells you that NO! That isn't possible, Little Timmy!

I highly suggest "Classic Kids Room Hidden Objects" as it teaches children several great foundations to success in life: your life is on a schedule, don't make haphazard mistakes, and choose your options carefully and with confidence.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Elliot Rodgers: The Result of a Limp Wristed Society


What an entitled, shitty, smug son of a bitch that Elliot Rodgers cock-sucker was. I watched some of his videos on Youtube, and dear lord...I don't think I've seen a shittier person with a shittier attitude in all my days alive. But making shitty videos is one thing....vent brah, go for it. Everyone needs to vent. Posting embarrassingly narcissistic videos is one way to go about it, I guess. One would hope a healthier route could be taken, with a dose of self-awareness perhaps. Not all of us can be hilarious or insightful with our venting....but I suppose as long as you get it out there, at least you'll never feel compelled to kick your dog in the face, or shoot up your school, or something else drastic and unwarranted, ya know? Having spilled your negative feelings out publicly, you can move past the negativity and build yourself up stronger....right? RIGHT?!

Shit, I guess not. This melodramatic, whiny little bitch shot up a sorority house and killed 6 people before turning the gun on himself. And all because he couldn't get laid.
 
 
Wait, THIS kid is complaining about not getting any pussy? Who's he trying to kid? Of course you aren't gonna get any gash when you look like you were born with a dick in your mouth. Look at those cock sucking lips....the spiked up hair. Instead of shooting up the local sorority, this kid should have shot up the local truck stop glory-hole. Although that might not have helped his situation, he does have that creepy dead-eyed stare most serial killers have. And those videos showcase a truly broken mind attempt to glorify themselves for...owning a BMW? Shit, I thought narcissists were supposed to harbor some sort of talent to be delusional about, not a possession they likely didn't even pay for.
 
Look, whether the kid was sexually confused and attempting to rationalize his dormant homosexuality by blaming women, or legitimately was obsessed with getting pussy to the point of murderous insanity after being rejected for so many years, I gotta ask......what the fuck? This little faggot was born in the lap of luxury, but apparently never developed any social skills or empathy. Guess when one of your parents is an assistant director of the Hunger Games and you own your very own BMW, women should totally throw themselves at your feet.....despite your creepily hollow personality. Or men should throw themselves at your feet. Or, trannies? Whatever it was he was into, I suppose.
  
This is the result of a limp wristed, politically correct society. What this kid needed wasn't a prescription, of which he likely had several, what he needed was a hard right hook to his jaw, a broken nose, a black eye....someone to tell him to stop being a smug little cunt. In toughening up, maybe he wouldn't have resorted to murder to fill the emptiness in his heart that could only be filled with the touch of a woman. Or man, or whatever.
  
"Hi, Elliot Rodger here. Well, this is my last video. It all has to come to this. Tomorrow is the day of retribution, the day I will have my revenge against humanity, against all of you."
  
Good, no more shitty, depressing and creepy videos for your channel. Did this kid ever watch these videos back after recording them, and realize how pathetic he was? Seriously, all the answers to his inability to moisten panties was in the  videos he made about not being able to moisten panties. If there was a barometer for creepiness pressure, the thing would have exploded within a mile radius of this kid during the filming of any of his Patrick Bateman-esque videos. I wonder if he had to do multiple takes? Or wrote scripts?

I also love the indictment of all of humanity. ALL of humanity deserves to suffer because this insignificant closet twink couldn't get his butt reamed. This is the very definition of entitled, and a perfect example of why safe, clean prostitution should be offered in a Game of Thrones-esque, Brothel fashion. We should be able to buy pussy / cock in-store, whatever your heart desires. That'd prevent lunatics like this from gunning down women to trick everyone into thinking he's straight, or gunning down women for not sleeping with him despite his owning a BMW, or....wait, what were his motives again?
 
"For the last eight years of my life, since I hit puberty, I've been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires, all because girls have never been attracted to me. Girls gave their affection and sex and love to other men, never to me."
 
This existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires is 100% self-induced. With a personality like that, you dig your own grave. How about being a friendly, sincere person instead of thinking the world is gonna bend over backwards to kiss your ungrateful ass? You think your last 8 years were hell? Try growing up somewhere you aren't given the keys to a BMW.



THAT is living in hell. THAT is poverty, of despair. This kid literally ends 6 innocent lives because he isn't good with women / can't come to grips with his love of dick? Give me a break. There are kids who fight to stay alive every day. Even our society sucks. There's so much more to bitch about then something so selfish and personal as "No one wants to fuck me, waaah." But what do you complain about?
 
"College is the time when everyone experiences those things such as sex and fun and pleasure. In those years I've had to rot in loneliness, it's not fair.
 
There's 8 year olds in Africa with AIDs. Is that fair? Seems a lot less fair than you not being to get your jollies off. Maybe you should have went to an all-boy school.

"You girls have never been attracted to me. I don't know why you girls aren't attracted to me but I will punish you all for it. It's an injustice, a crime because I don't know what you don't see in me, I'm the perfect guy and yet you throw yourselves at all these obnoxious men instead of me, the supreme gentleman. I will punish all of you for it. [laughs]

"You girls," he says. "You girls." Very awkward emphasis on chicks in his video, dude was likely pining for a BBC in his SEB. (Smug entitled butthole)

"On the day of retribution, I am going to enter the hottest sorority house at UCSB and I will slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, blond slut I see inside there. All those girls I've desired so much. They have all rejected me and looked down on me as an inferior man if I ever made a sexual advance toward them, while they throw themselves at these obnoxious brutes.

Retribution for what? Your serial killer-esque personality scaring away women? Your inability to cope with homosexual desires? What is the retribution for?
ret·ri·bu·tion
noun
noun: retribution
punishment that is considered to be morally right and fully deserved.

Killing innocent people because you can't get laid isn't morally correct. That's like stubbing your toe at work so you slit your bosses throat. A true act of retribution would be your gun jamming during your little killing spree, someone pulling you from your car and kicking your teeth down your throat.
  
"I take great pleasure in slaughtering all of you., You will finally see that I am, in truth, the superior one, the true alpha male.

Apparently the superior one, the true alpha male is driven to murderous insanity after 22 years of virginity. Doesn't sound superior or alpha to me. Sounds like a punk bitch who should have gotten their ass kicked years ago, knock some of those narcissistic thoughts loose. I'm not even gonna bother finishing with his transcript, this kid is the epitome of self-entitlement, the polar opposite of self-awareness.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Troll Hunting (Part 17) The Glover Sisterhood




This one perplexes the fuck out of me. There's these LED light up gloves that hot raver sluts rock and do stupid little hand gestures with and wiggle their pinkies around...it's a lame fad. All it's good for is giving me a mental image of these chicks giving glorious hand jobs. Male raver bros do the gloving thing too...but I'm not sure why. Gloving just seems like a woman's game, like knitting or having a period. Maybe at like, 15 it MIGHT seem cool...on drugs. But I'm 25 years old, I'm a grown ass man. I don't have the time to waste wearing light up gloves and waving them around like an asshole. Well, grown as man is a bit of stretch. My entire generation is winding up like Step Brothers lite.

I have a band, we play prog funk. We play a decent amount of shows, kick out some grooves and melt some faces. And our drummer, god bless his talented heart, is a practitioner of this gloving "art." He oftentimes posts about it, does it at shows. If that's your thing, have at it. It's all good, you do you. But I couldn't help but bust his chops when he had something to say about anti-glovers on Facebook. It quickly spiraled out of control, worthy of a "Troll Hunters" segment, no doubt.

Note: The pictures of crying babies were edited in. (Yes, you can edit your posts on Facebook.) Initially I was ragging on gloving and explaining how it's sort of a waste of time when you play killer drums, but when the argument continued far longer than I imagined it ever would I switched out my smallish rants and replaced them with those pictures. This made it look like all these gloving jabroni's were crying right along with the pictures, it was too perfect an opportunity to pass up.

I also want to note my initial comment was just supposed to be me fucking with my drummer, who I assume isn't crying like a little girl like all his gloving buddies are. We're in a band, we have a right to talk shit to each to other. That's what bands do. The rest of these random characters are out of their element, Donny.


 A day light show? What is that....the sun? It certainly doesn't take equal talent to drum and glove. Drumming requires you to keep multiple rhythmic times with multiple limbs simultaneously. A beginner drummer has to sort of portion of their brain to each limb to keep it on time. Much harder than patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time, and certainly much harder than gloving.
 


The real jackass here is Gabe. The amount of butthurt he gets from my trolling is a testament to how lame gloving is: the kid feels self-conscious about the very act he calls art. He can't separate himself from the gloving, take a step back, and laugh at it's foolishness. I laugh at the foolishness of my very own writings on this very blog all the time. His nickname on Facebook, get this, is NIGHT LIGHT. This melvin has a gloving monicker. This chode literally takes gloving so serious he gave his gloving alter ego a nickname. That's beyond pathetic.


The Anti Bad Vibe Shield? Give me a break, that's some faggoty shit right there.


All these retards coming to Zach's defense are too blinded by their seering butthurt, that they fail to realize we're in the same band. And if my trolling is equivalent of Kurtis's 10 year old brother, his rhetoric is equivalent of the baby pictures I'm posting given 5th grade-level articulation.


If a girl I was banging decided to fuck a glover on the side, I'd throw her to the curb almost as fast as I'd throw the shitty drugs these idiots take to make gloving look cool. Not to mention the picture Kurtis is using for his profile pic is this:


You can't rock that as your profile picture then throw a tantrum because some is picking fun at GLOVING, of all things. I don't even get this amount of feedback from raver kids when I talk shit about EDM and DJing, probably because the DJ's I associate with understand where I'm coming from and are also tired of cookie cutter space pressers stealing their work when they're capable of crushing it with vinyl and actually produce original productions.


Carl from Aqua Teen is my nigga. Nice try though, bro. You're still the cock sucker waving your hands around with light up gloves. Does the jingling of keys get you just as pumped up and ready to snort M1 as gloving?


The funny thing is, my buddy (creator of Requiem of Urbanity) wrote a business plan when we used to throw Womp 'Em Thursdays. This Kurtis character apparently STOLE THAT BUSINESS PLAN and started throwing Womp 'Em Wednesdays.


The only reason we've heard of you before is because we started the fucking event and you stole our business plan, you fucking clown.


In the end this deep, poetic insight into gloving was all it took to end the argument.