Monday, June 27, 2016

I Stopped A Fight Outside the Bar Last Night

Being amped up after the season finale of Game of Thrones and being only two 40 oz's of cheap beer deep, I decided to hit the bar for $1 drafts accordingly. After a few additional hours of drinking, the patrons in the bar spilled outside to have a cigarette and the bartender locked up the establishment for the night. Left to our own devices, we all stood around talking about politics, race, and other random issues like some bizarro universe edition of Horace and Pete. At some point a freestyle cipher started.
So in the circle is me, a chill Spanish dude, and three white kids aged roughly around 21 - 24. I've talked to everyone involved in this scenario at the bar on numerous occasions, although they usually need to remind me of this the next time I go to the bar pre-buzzed. One of the kids clearly has a chip on his shoulder, I can tell he does not enjoy my random drunken ramblings but can't find a hole in my logic big enough to start a fight over. No matter. The freestyle cipher (and I use that term with all due respect to people that can actually rap) is going, and some 40+ year old man stumbles by. The kid freestyling works it into his rhyme, offering the guy to join the freestyle. The guy keeps stumbling on, ignoring the request, probably not even paying attention. This riles up the young kids.

They basically challenge this old dude to a fight. One of the kids is standing there with a bag of bar peanuts, throwing them at the guy. The guy goes to cross the intersection, but turns around and starts to stumble back. I immediately jump in with my two cents.

"What is the point of starting an altercation with this guy?"
"He was disrespectful, he didn't join the cipher!"
"Dude, he probably doesn't even listen to hip hop. Who gives a fuck? He's probably in his 40's or 50's, getting drunk to forget about his ex-wife who fucked his best friend before taking sole custody of his three kids. The kids probably blame him for it, too."

The guy is also getting riled up, but smart enough not to throw the first swing. I think my little comment about losing his kids or wife might have struck a chord, because he turned around angrily but then realized I was trying to deescalate the situation. Me attempting to deflate the tension might have also given him a bit more confidence to walk back and say to the kids "Who's the one throwing sh!t at me?" Now all three kids are talking sh!t, me and the Spanish dude are looking at each other like "What a bunch of retards," and the older dude is swaying and stumbling around like the town drunk, most likely looking for a lawsuit out of this ordeal. Eventually the kid with the chip on his shoulder throwing the peanuts goes to square up, but the old dude turns around again. Then turns back around towards us. At this point I relocate to my car, and everyone crosses the street.

There's literally a police officer at a gas station within earshot of this entire altercation. They're all now squaring up, the old dude is filming it on his phone to put on Youtube, the young kids are getting ready to jump him, when I end the situation with one sentence. "There isn't any pussy here!" Everyone stops and looks at me. "Who are you guys trying to impress right now? You ain't getting any pussy outta this, just potential law suits and jail time." This sort of sobers up everyone involved. The kids are like "What the fuck, man? You're still cool but why don't you have our back?" Because you guys are acting fucking retarded, that's why. Everyone hops in their car and leaves.

Friday, June 24, 2016

The Slaps Heard Around the World: Rich Piani and Jason Genova

After finishing their pose for the photograph, Rich Piani and Jason Genova both relaxed. Before either of them return to a normal stance, however, Jason Genova's smug smirk deepens as he proudly informs the hulking, demonic looking synthol tub next to him "I'm the king of Order 66." Rich Piani brings his hand to his brow in frustration, muttering out a "You're what?" that seems even more impatient than his usual demeanor. "I'm the king of Order 66," Jason Genova repeats the statementin his lispy, mentally challenged drawl, nodding his head matter-of-factually to emphasize his pride. " ordered a 66 on me, didn't you, right? Didn't you do that once?" Rich's question penetrates Jason Genova's ears like an eager girl on prom night. But Mr. Genova, being socially inept and borderline retarded, doesn't notice the anger boiling under the surface of Rich Piani's fake smile. He feels the two are bonding over an inside joke, and continues the conversation undeterred, like a child with a fork at an electrical socket. "Noooo!" Jason says, as if he's a young school boy teasing the pig-tailed, timid blonde in class he has a crush on. "You never did?!" Rich says, barely able to contain his seething rage, his fake smile causing him to speak through gritted teeth. "I DID, actually!" Jason laughs, his smile getting even broader. "Why would you do that?" Rich smiles back at Jason - he had him right where he wanted him. "Cuz I'm....I was just joking." Jason still doesn't seem to realize the severity of the situation. The situation quickly spirals downwards, with Rich growing increasingly angrier and Jason quivering in fear.
Finally, Rich agrees (for the both of them) to a slap boxing bout of 5 seconds to settle the score. "You ready?" Rich starts with a quick right, and Jason giggles nervously. He slowly raises his right hand to slap Rich back, but hesitates, and Rich hits him with a dizzying left. This stuns Jason, and he stumbles forward not unlike a baby who has just learned how to walk. Rich's forced smile gets more intense and sinister as he gets another quick left and right combo in. Jason stumbles  backwards. "You ready?! You ready?!" Rich taunts the retard menacingly, as people gather in the background. The crowd is both uncomfortable but enthralled, some of the scummier among them recording the event from
their devices. No one intervenes to save the retarded man. Rich continues his assault. "You ready?! YOU READY?!" Another quick two-hit combo. "You ready, YOU READY?! YOU READY?!" Another two slaps. "Are we good?" Rich asks Jason, as if he was the one who should be asking the
question. The two shake hands for the 74th time that day.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Someone Told Me My Dreads Are Cultural Appropriation

It finally happened. Someone finally called me out for "cultural appropriation," and of all places it occurred on good ol' Plenty of Fish / Plenty of Whales / Plenty of Single Moms / Bottom of the Barrel dot com. (Yea, I know, pretty pitiful to be on such an app, but at this point I'm content banging randoms off internet apps because loyalty and commitment are dead. Fuck off.)

Last night I was getting smashed off $1 PBRs when I got a message from the POF app.

"White guy with dreads? Culture appropriation much."

Now right off the bat, PC rhetoric aside, saying anything in the form of "______ ________ much" is cunty. So not only is this cunt PC, but also uses annoying internet slang and improper grammatical structure in an ironic fashion. How cute. Let me school you right quick though.

The fact this sort of mindset is so prevalent is a testament to how badly the dark cabal has everyone by the balls and ovaries. This girl messaged me out of the blue with that cultural appropriation bullshit, I didn't even view her profile, shoot a message, or initiate any sort of contact. The app is lying dormant on my phone, unused and this cunt goes out of her way to send me that message. 

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Dating Sucks

I hate to sound like a broken record, but holy shit is this generation shitty when it comes to dating. Modern dating is seriously a bunch of bullshit. It's like the second I show even the slightest sliver of sincerity, I'm penalized for it.

I feel like everyone is following the DENNIS system from It's Always Sunny and they don't even realize it - it's embedded in their heads subconsciously. For those unaware, the DENNIS system goes like this:

Demonstrate value
Engage physically
Nurture dependence
Neglect emotionally
Inspire hope
Separate entirely

I think 9 out of 10 girls I date melt over that sociopathy inspired bullshit. It's like they enjoy being treated like shit. And I could easily manipulate so many hoes into that routine......but I prefer attracting girls through my personality. Not by fucking with their heads.

So why do modern women have so many issues? When I act indifferent and aloof, they're gushing wet. When I showcase genuine interest in pursuing something beyond a month long fuck buddy, they quickly lose interest. I got a nice body, I have several different sources of income. I write comedy, I compose music, I have a god damn Pandora radio station for fucks sake. I have above average intelligence in that I both hate myself but loath everyone else just a little bit more.  And when I invest in someone, I actually invest in a potential future, however long it may be. But all that shit seems to turn women off. I'm not a NICE guy, I'm a gentleman with a dark edge and an alcohol problem. Either you're with it, or you're not.

The most recent girl I've been talking to is a fucking enigma. I cannot understand what this broad wants at all. After the first date, she asks me what my intentions are. What the fuck does that even mean? My intentions in dating are finding a healthy, sustainable relationship where both partners put equal amounts of effort into the relationship and build something real on a foundation of honesty, healthy communication, and frequent sex. Ya know, an actual connection. But that shit just doesn't work.

So I decided, "Well shit, she seems to be interested in starting something real. I dig her, she's cute and has an interesting personality. Let me try being honest." So I tell her "Ultimately connection and to see where things go." Where did that get me? I have no fucking clue.

Basically I feel like a booty call that stopped getting laid. We had sex a few times in the first week, then she stopped putting out entirely. She'll hit me up late night wanting to have a sleepover, where she'll come over, act irritable, fall asleep shortly after in her panties, then make loaded statements like "Wow, you're so sexual. Scorpios..."

We're sleeping in the same fucking bed in nothing but our underwear. I'm a 27 year old guy with a high fucking sex drive, and you're a 20 year old with a delightfully plump booty lying in bed next to me. You do realize sexual chemistry is a very important pillar of a healthy relationship, right? Then we'll wake up in the morning, she'll hang out for maybe a half-hour to 45 minutes, then bail out, presumably to see how things go with one of her other four dozen Tinder matches she got in two swipe sessions. At least, that's what I assume.

Where the fuck is this bratty attitude coming from? Should I be more of a dick? So I do, I call her on her bullshit in a playful but commanding fashion and she gets all irritable. I even said "This system you have is funny. You come over late at night, pass out almost immediately, then bail out within an hour of waking up." She got offended. "It's not a system," she says in an irritated tone. It's not? Well you're fucking batshit insane then. Get the fuck out of my house with that attitude. It's like I'm a booty call that isn't getting laid. You think I'm some kind of teddy bear? Maybe some sort of place holder until you find some dude that will manipulate you and string you along?

Funny thing is, the second I bail they all realize their mistake. Only now I've lost all attraction to their batshit craziness, I've lost all interest in playing these retarded modern dating games. You text back within 10 minutes and they think you're needy. Yet when you try and be assertive and go for some sex, she'll balk and say "Do you do this with all the girls?"

Well, honestly, yes. I do do this with all the girls I hang out with one-on-one. Because platonic relationships between males and females are usually one-sided affairs, where one person usually uses the other for validation and a shoulder to cry on and the other persons feelings and emotional connection are unrequited. So yea, when I'm interested in a girl, I do want to get intimate. Why the fuck else would we be hanging out if I wasn't interested in sex or a relationship? Another loaded question.

So I decided I'm done being genuine. All it does is drive bitches away. I'm gonna go back to slamming random slit and not giving a fuck if the Uber driver ever makes it back to her house. Shit, the last girl I smashed out before the current one I'm...sort of talking to?...drove to my house from over an hour and a half away, arriving at midnight on April Fools day. I fucked the shit out of her all night long. She was a bit chunky but the pussy was nice and tight. Next day, she's 5 minutes late to work AND GETS FIRED FOR IT. I literally LONG DICKED HER INTO UNEMPLOYMENT. APRIL FOOLS DAY, BITCH!

That's the kind of attitude I'm gonna go with for now on. Back to cold, calculative, sociopath dating. It's the only thing that works nowadays with all these broken women running around thinking it's empowering to string multiple guys along, as if they're pulling off some impressive feat when in reality it's as easy as her snapping her fingers to have a cock in her mouth in less than a half-hours time. I know these hoes ain't loyal, but Jesus titty fucking Christ, at some point it just becomes ridiculous how emotionally driven and socially retarded these broads are.

Another girl I was sleeping with late last year told me she was polyamorous. Meaning, she doesn't date exclusively. "Sweet," I think to myself. "She's being upfront with me. Not used to girls saying what they mean." Shoot her a text a month and half into our fling (and we had sex a few times a week, hung out, cuddled, all that shit) and there was radio silence. So I said "Fuck it" and never hit her up again. A month later, she hits me up. "Did you die or something?" I read the text, drunk as a skunk, and simply reply "Yep." She texts me "So did you just get sick of me, or what?" I tell her to come over when she's free.

So she comes over wearing PJ's and no makeup. I could already tell where this was going - she had met someone else. Only what I didn't expect was her name dropping a new boyfriend. Oh, so miss polyamory is now in an exclusive relationship? Then why the fuck did she come over to my house? We fucked on every piece of furniture in here for over a month. So it was no surprise that by the end of the night, I was triple finger fucking her, and right when I went to put my raging boner inside of her she stopped me.

"It's not right - I can't do this."

Well you already cheated letting my finger inside you, and you already cheated when we cuddled for the two hours leading to that point, so at this point you might as well go all the way. She began to explain to me why she couldn't as she was putting her clothes back on, and I just ripped out the biggest fart, causing her voice to trail off. "I should go." "Sure, have a nice life. But you can't deny the brilliance of that comedic timing." She smiled and agreed. Throughout the next month and a half she hit me up on 5 to 10 separate occasions asking to hang out. I ignored every time. I don't get strung along, I move on and find more slit. I don't want to be your place holder, I don't want to be your backup plan. I'm too unique to be a fucking backup plan. You see these 4 foot dreadlocks? That's the kind of commitment I have. And if I have to commit to ignoring your flaky ass, then I will.

I later find out the dude she is dating is this dweeby looking Indian guy that lives near her college. Ah, so you jumped into the relationship so you could live closer to college, eh? I guarantee if I lived near her college it would be my cock she's sucking on right now, and I wouldn't be ranting about the shitty dating options I've been dealing with in 2016.

But back to the current...whatever she is. I realize a girl about to turn 21 in less than a months time is probably a bad dating prospect, I get that. But she should either put out, start pursuing something, or stop wasting my time. I can handle a "This just isn't working out." Fine, thanks for your honesty, have a good life and don't come crawling back after the next guy fucks and chucks you like an aging flesh light. But playing games is a bit below my standards, and at this point I'm cashing in my chips and walking away. Her loss. Maybe if she didn't come out the gate with all her hints towards wanting a relationship, I wouldn't have attempted to be sincere and she'd be over right now getting long dicked into my bed sheets.

She hit me up one day, asking for a favor. "Yea, what's up?" "Can you buy me booze?" I was already three 40 oz's deep at that point and hanging out with one of my good friends I don't see much anymore. "I'm busy at the moment, but if you want to drink later I'm down." "It's cool, thanks." So what the fuck is that shit? Are you shit testing me? Are you asking me to provide you alcohol that you will then drink with some jabroni who doesn't realize how fucking insane you are like I do?

Another time, I hit her up. "Hey, you working today?" No response until 10 hours later. "Hope you had a good day." I didn't respond. Three more hours pass. "Thinking about you." What kind of push - pull shit are you playing at, here? Can anyone just be honest these days? Why does everything have to be a game of tug-of-war? All you're doing is ruining the potential relationship YOU keep pushing for. I was more than content fooling around and seeing where it would lead to. Now I'm pretty much indifferent to your bullshit and perplexed by it, all at the same time.

I might be coming across as one of those whiny, entitled BETA males that thinks they are entitled to a girlfriend. Not in the least bit. No one is entitled to shit. But I most certainly am sick of dealing with what this inbred hookup culture society is drilling into peoples heads as the norm. Is it really that far fetched to shoot for a relationship when the girl you're seeing insinuates multiple times on every date that's what she's looking for? Because otherwise I'll just let you enjoy my giant dick, bomb cooking, and you can go see your "gay" friends (who are probably bi and hook up with you) on the days I'm not pushing your face against the wall. It's all good! I'm very honest, most of the time to a fault. Maybe a hint of honesty on your end would put things into a clearer perspective, for fucks sake.

I can play the romantic. I can play the savage rogue. They both come naturally. But I can't play the retarded text tag games, the push and pull retardation of modern dating. You expect me to compete for your attention? You have someone else you're talking to? Good, I'll make the decision easy for you - go stay with that other guy. I'll take my giant dick and dead baby jokes on to the next one and not treat her like a potential lover, AND have her stick around longer as a result. Back to dating like a sociopath, it's sadly the only thing that works these days.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Celebrity Shows Up At Wedding...Steals Focus of Event

I bet if Jesus existed (at least in the way religion portrays him) he'd be pissed off sitting in heaven, watching the meaning of Christmas go from being about his birth to a pudgy dude in a strange outfit traveling the globe, sneaking into millions of homes, and delivering presents to children.

It's like having a celebrity at your wedding. Like these jackasses. According to Yahoo! news (who make sure I'm up-to-date on the most pointless crap every time I go check and see how little albums I've sold), the bride invited Taylor Swift to her wedding. If I was a celebrity, I sure as fuck wouldn't want to go to a complete strangers wedding. What a selfish thing to do.

 Good going, shithead, now your wedding day is all about this terrible celebrity. The day you and your husband tied the knot is now overshadowed by Taylor Swift's appearance, attention whoring for cameras and strutting her skanky ass around the wedding.

Where does she get off going to a wedding, anyway? She runs through 3 dozen dick in a years time. Every album she has just consists of songs bitching about each of her ex's from that given time period. At this point, either go celibate or go lesbian. And film it. Better yet, come date me, Tay Tay. Then we can break up, and both write our own breakup songs. Guarantee mine will have more substance. It'll be the debut of my comedy music.

Just look at this limp wristed husband.

Brah, you're really gonna pose for a photo like that at your wedding? With that kind of behavior, one can only imagine how much side-cock she takes whenever you're on leave, serving your country. It's safe to assume she's got a whole buffet of cock waiting for her when you head overseas. She is a Taylor Swift fan, after all.