Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Troll Hunting 16: Maxx Potential

Without delving into a paragraph of background, someone stole some artwork and got trolled accordingly.

Original Artwork:

Stolen Artwork:

Look, you can even still see the ORIGINAL LOGO from the REAL ARTWORK on the pirated version. Right under "Max Throttle" you can still make out the loops of the Lueur Verte logo. Awesome job concealing your plagiarism, bro, you must listen to Led Zeppelin or something.
 
Synthwave producers and fans herd together....in a good way. Not in a derivative fashion; we aren't herding sheep style, all trying to bah the same. But when shit is going down, we band together and get shit done. And we aren't afraid to troll. I'm sure we all remember a certain ASH KAHN character.

The person who stole the artwork had their chance. They were sent a private message, they were left dozens of comments from various producers in the scene....we're basically having fun at this idiots expense. But he couldn't laugh at himself. He just couldn't develop that self-awareness necessitated to realize the folly of his ways. Even an ephemeral self-awareness, long enough to delete the stolen art, is all he needs.

As things usually tend to go in the synthwave community, the trolling almost immediately got out of control. People started posting their own stolen album covers.

But then a picture of the person in question was posted, and all hopes this issue would end in civility and mutual respect from both sides of the fence was rendered impossible. As I said in the discussion thread in the Synthetix Music facebook group, this isn't just golden troll opportunity....it's crystallized platinum trolling opportunity. LOOK AT THIS GUY.
 

Even the spray-painted rabbit next to him is thinking to himself, "What the fuck?" And so the trolling began to hit in full force.





So I decided to try a different approach. Instead of raining trollfire down on his soundcloud, I decided to do some trollfiltration instead.





He has since deleted my question about the artwork, but KEPT my obviously falsified compliment. What a chode. From there Perturbator noticed every song on his album had the word "Maxx" in it to some capacity. And the imagery kept coming in strong, now with a specific focus on puns.






I even made two myself. What is the best Stephen King movie? Easy....

The Maxxiknockers.

I also made up this beautiful re-imagining of Contra.



How can you go stealing artwork when you look like this guy?  I'm not saying give up on life because you look like a love-child of the Pillsbury Dough Girl and the Michelin Man. I'm just saying don't go painting a giant target on yourself by stealing someone else's artwork. Especially since genetics already painted a giant target on you, a target that will only wash off with a haircut, shave, proper diet, and daily cardio.

One more for good measure:

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Some Cunts Want to Ban the Word Bossy #BanBanBossy


I wonder how much money these jackasses wasted on this oxymoronic cause. Bossing people around to ban the word bossy....do they not realize the severe hypocrisy in this campaign? God damn entitled cunts.

Let me type out some of the bullshit this video says and give my insight.

"Pushy."
"Stubborn."
 
"Stubborn."
"Pussy."

 "Pushy."
"Stubborn."

 "Stubborn."
"BOSSY."


I already want to kick every single one of these smug cunts in the face. 
 
"Bossy."
"Bossy."

 (dramatic music stop for no reason to hype up Beyonce)
"BOSSY."

The self-satisfied sneers are almost unbearable. My cup of jimmies rustle and overfloweth.
Beyonce, in particular, rustles the jimmies something fierce. Ever since she starting taking the Jay-Z dick she thinks her shit don't stink. How can she be so full of herself when her family is basically a brand name? It's pathetic. I feel bad for their child Blue Ivy for more than just the parent's terrible choice in names. The fact I, of all people, know their kid's name in the first place is a blatant indication of how severely marketed it's birth was. How you gonna sell your kid out before it's even born? And then try to trademark their name? It's pure evil.

Why does the media ride Jay-Z and Beyonce's dicks so hard, anyways? Is it all the corporate dick they collectively suck whenever they aren't in front of a camera masturbating their egos? Is it because Jay-Z is a 33rd degree freemason and names his company Roc-a-Fella, an urban variant of Rockefeller? How much Illuminati dick would an Illuminati dick sucker suck if an Illuminati dick sucker was Jay-Z or Beyonce? Roughly 3 dozen daily, between the two of them, I'd wager.

 
"When I was growing up, I was called bossy."
 
What a tragic upbringing. To be called bossy, it must have been such a traumatic and mentally damaging experience. Never mind all the starving and impoverished people around the world, they got off easy with their Malaria and Small Pox, especially compared to the horror of being called bossy.

"I think the word bossy is just a squasher."

 
A squasher of what, exactly? Hypocritical, paradoxical, and ignorantly causeless campaigns such as this one? Because calling this "Ban Bossy" campaign, bossy, effectively renders it pointless.

"Being labeled something matters."
 
Yea, if you're a fucking pussy and can't handle being labeled it matters. Grow a fucking spine and stop giving a fuck what other people think. Anyone with half a brain will likely label you all SELFISH IGNORANT CUNTS after watching this stupid fucking video, so if you can't handle being called "bossy" just wait for the feedback to this video to start pouring in.

"By middle school..."

By middle school what? You couldn't finish this statement yourself? Beyonce has to come in and finish it for you, as if her word is the most important? God damn do I hate that self-important cunt.

"...girls are less interested in leadership than boys."

I love the unintentional double meaning to this. Not only does it imply girls have less interest in becoming leaders than boys of the same age have, it also subconsciously implies girls are MORE interested in boys than leadership. Essentially, they'd rather spread their legs than have any societal responsibility.

 
"And that's because they worry about being called..."

God dammit, not again. FINISH THE FUCKING STATEMENT YOURSELF. Why do you keep having white bitches start a statement for black bitches to finish? Is this supposed to be edgy editing? Go fuck yourselves.

"...bossy."

  
Sounds completely logical. Every female is scared of being ambitious because of the fear of being called bossy. That's not irrational or reaching in any way. That's not one of the most idiotic and exaggerated statements uttered in the history of communication or anything like that.

"We need to tell them it's OK to be ambitious."

  
Everyone should be ambitious, yes. Not just little girls in middle school being called bossy, but everyone should be ambitious. (Well, besides pedophiles, rapists and murderers, they should probably be institutionalized, since their ambitions bring a heavy toll and numerous victims.)

Ambition today proves difficult in a society based on indentured servitude and materialism. How can one be expected to be ambitious with what we have to look forward to as a society? A lifetime of paying off the debts of our selfish, bloated, war hungry government, who play petty war games with other petty nations and fund frivolous distractions such as "Ban Bossy" to keep their indoctrinated population's vaguely satisfied and collectively docile, rather than taking responsibility and doing the jobs they were elected to fulfill, namely focusing on technological growth, the exploration of space and the depths of the ocean, mutual gain for the entire species, and the symbiotic evolution of society on an international level. We're supposed to be talking about Ban Bossy here, but no, fuck that, that's just a distraction. Ban Ban Bossy, how about that, assholes?

All these rich faggots with all the power and all the wealth and golden plated toiletries with diamond encrusted toilet paper, wasting their time, money and influence enthusiastically waving banners representing causeless causes and non-issues, effectively distracting the public from things that really matter, either in a calculated effort or as a result of complete ignorance and idiocy.

This sort of shit is commonplace now; society is so complacent and ignorant, that THIS SHIT, Ban Bossy, passes off as a false flag. Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMAs is a false flag event. Justin Beiber getting a DUI racing a car more expensive than the average American's yearly salary is a false flag. Oh, a young woman murdered her daughter in cold blood? Let's drum up a media circus around her court case and keep the gravy bubbling for 5 years. In the 60s and 70s you'd need to stage wars and shoot presidents in the face for a successful false flag. Now, through social engineering, you can wow the entire public with a nip slip or work them into a raging frenzy over words of an outspoken celebrity on a drug binge.
  
We debate abortion and gay marriage, when they're both choices individuals should make on their own; they're both issues that don't effect us beyond our own perceptions and morals. Unless you're pregnant or gay, who the fuck cares about abortion and gay marriage? Let the homos bones, the lesbos scissor, and the sluts abort. We should encourage abortion, as most of these kids are having kids way too fucking young in the first place. Stop making logical, sane people feel guilty for wanting to wait until they're older to raise children. If they realize they are not mature enough yet to take the responsibility required in raising children, let them flush the fetus out ASAP. Quickly, before we're overwhelmed with a nation of step-brothers and step-sisters, because at the rate sluts are gonna continue to slut it up, giving birth to various babies from various fathers, we're all fucked.

We debate recreational drug use, jailing hundreds of thousands for non-violent drug crimes, while big pharma peddles all the drugs they want, liability free, largely to children, profiting off the addiction of kids in school doped out on their benzodiazepines and hopped up on their amphetamines. They do this whilst simultaneously favoring manageable treatments over one-time-cures.
 
And Ban Bossy is right up there. It's a non-issue being kicked around like a dead fish by all these rich, vapid cunts, and everyone wants to join in on the game of hacky sack and kick the dead fish around some more with Beyonce in her $10,000 high heels. Hey jackasses, it's 2014, you're 30 years late for this shit.
 
"We need to help them lean in."

We need to help you all lean in and get backhanded across the face repeatedly for peddling this mind numbing garbage for the past few decades. GET OVER YOURSELVES. You lucked out and made a shit-ton more money than all the people you preach to, good for you. It doesn't mean your shitty, privileged opinions hold any more weight or truth than the average folk. If anything the wealth only dilutes your perspective, not enhances it.

"Words matter."
"Lets just ban the word bossy..."

 
If words matter, why are you banning the word bossy? HOW DOES NO ONE INVOLVED WITH THIS CAMPAIGN REALIZE HOW HYPOCRITICAL IT IS? THEY LITERALLY PUT THESE TWO LINES RIGHT IN A FUCKING ROW. MY JIMMIES, THEY'RE BURNING.....BURNING WITH RAGE AND CONTEMPTUOUS FURY.

"...and encourage girls to lead..."
"...to be strong, and to be ambitious."


Why not encourage EVERYONE to lead...by example? (And finish their own god damn sentences.) Ya know, lead by growing their own food, or lead by being nicer in their day-to-day life, or lead by letting go of their racist and bigoted thoughts, or lead by not being so god damn bossy and leading by example like a real fucking leader leads, for fucks sake.
"Listen to your own voice..."

Unlike all you pretentious cunts, I don't like the sound of my own voice. In fact, 9 out of 10 people find the sound of their own voice off-putting. But sociopaths that rise the media ladder to be in a position of bossing people around to stop using the word bossy, well....it's obvious they lack the self-awareness to comprehend such a known fact of human nature. They love the sound of their own voice and smell of their own farts, so everyone else must too, right?

"There are no limits"

No limits besides the use of the word bossy, that is.

"Dare to be you."
"You can change the world!"


Yea, you can change the world girlfriend! Uhm hm. Maybe you'll even get real ambitious, and invent a new word to replace the word bossy!

"Let's ban bossy."
"Be brave. Be you."
"BAN BOSSY." (horse face)


I hate you all. Seriously, I hate you all so, very, very much. And once again, Beyonce's name shows up first on the credits. I swear, Jay-Z must have hit the dick sucking lottery at Bohemian Grove. He sucked that ONE Illuminati dick, that one time, with such raw technique and frenzied passion.....that one all-powerful Bohemian Grove member with the giant white dick, that Jay-Z slobbered on like a $4 whore....and now him and his wife have celebrities putting THEM on a pedestal. That ONE DICK they sucked with such precision and accuracy, and they now have POLITICIANS putting them on pedestals. It's creepy as fuck.

"I'm not bossy. I'm the boss."

See? Beyonce again, ending it. Why does she get highlighted any more than the rest of these self-important gashes? A pop singer is more important to a supposed cause than a former Secretary of State? That just proves where our priorities as a society lie, and what a joke politics really is. They use a pop singer who shakes her ass half naked and sings songs with lyrics such as "Bow Down Bitch" and they use her as the spearhead of this supposedly feminist movement. I guess that's just the black cherry on top of the hypocrisy sundae.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Running All Night

Fresh off the potent synthesizer high I got from the Class Action Compilation Volume II, I moved on to the Wave Runner Records compilation, "Running All Night." Ironically, I am listening to this in broad daylight, 9:45 AM Eastern Standard Time to be exact.

The compilation kicks off strong with a track from Highway Superstar called "Boardwalk Sunset". And what a fitting name it is. Melodic and engaging, vibe leads give way to chimes, and an almost Law and Order groove kicks in, bongos slapping away in the background.The song is dominated by wholesome saxophone licks, as if a saxophonist is standing on the boardwalk, raging as the sun sets, getting prepared to run until sunrise.

Now that the sun has set and the boardwalk is behind us, we are joined in our run by Phaserland and Nikki. The track is a perfect followup, with percussive synths that remind me of Meat Loaf in his "Bad Attitude" era. Mellow vocal melodies courtesy of Nikki are instantly catchy in a retro fashion, as one would expect. Electric guitars ephemerally wail in dual harmony, and the track ends on it's hooks.

Mitch Murder's up next with the help of Miranda Carey on "Just 'til Midnight". This song starts with a cheeky drum and percussion jam before busting into some funky synth-pop. The staggered nature and classy vocal hooks can't help but remind me of good ol' Michael Jackson. Really like the hook of the track, with the vocals and synths calling to each other back and forth. 

Next up we have Sunglasses Kid laying down synthscapes for Kristine to sing over. "Time in Time" continues the funky swagger the last track, but this ones got a whole different swagger. The slap bass clangs underneath the breathy, sensual vocals, orchestra hits punctuating hidden hooks between the more obvious melodic hooks.

Lush, warm synths greet the listeners waiting ears at the onset of Lueur Verte's track, "Malibu Sunrise". The melodies are calculated and effective, speakers drowning in an ocean of synth. A guitar twangs faithfully in the background....bring that up in the mix! It is just barely within listening reach, but damn is it tasteful. Several tasteful breakdowns contrast the sure-footed groove.

Hopeful melodies permeate out and a tom fill beckons a full groove with steam. A Space Love Adventure is cooking with gas on Nicole (ASLA remix).....or better yet, rocket fuel. The Sci-Fi charged jaunt gives way to interesting breakdown and gets backing into even higher gear, racing through celestial dimensions at a steady pace. A synth solo hits as warp speed is reached. And just when we slow down to take view of planetary bodies, we kick back to warp speed with a bitchin' and tasteful guitar solo.

We drop from warp speeds to an atmospheric, wistful soundscape. SelloRekT / LA Dream's track "Alive" soon breaks into a great pace, synth melodies sounding reminiscent of "Waiting for Darkness" by Ozzy. A synth guitar tackles out melodies, accompanied by lush synthscapes, the ever present synth melody keeping the song moving.

We get a second helping of Lueur Verte with "Night Slasher 2". A bass stabs the space beneath a staggered melody. Arps shimmer in and out as a haunting melody creeps into play, before the track stops cleverly...then busts in. The chase has begun. As the song changes pace and goes through it's various phases, images are conjured of boogeymen stalking demoralized, promiscuous teenagers through spooky forests.

Starforce and Tommy team up next for "Interstellar". This track takes us back to the stars above, surfing the astral planes in melodic glory. Triumphant melodies soar above driving bass lines. Hooks are in abundance, a variety of synths taking charge, most notably a warm, airy lead.

A dark melodic hymn quickly gives way into a raging groove, courtesy of Farfletched in "Car Clova". The bass line has tasteful pitch drops, really adding to the funky groove. Fast paced synths raise the tension, and the slightest hints of guitars break in and out of the mix tastefully. Sweep pick inspired melodic breaks keep things interesting. Back into a hook, and we feel like we're in Castlevania 2042, staring down a cyborg Dracula. But Dracula isn't here to fight...he's here to get down, as the groove kicks back in and the Count busts out bodacious dance moves, demons and zombies alike all clapping and stomping in unison with the beat, encouraging Dracula to rage until sunrise...'twas Belmonts plan all along.

A nostalgic sample of the answering machine message we've all had at some point quickly breaks into a poppy groove. Swagbot brings the funk with "Trying," with piercing vocals cutting through the thick and uncompromising bassline. Lots of pitch bend funkiness gives the song a signature swagger.

Adeyhawke keeps things interesting with a very interesting melody wrapped up nicely with all kinds of glitched out awesomeness. "Disco Idalium" is a bag of surprises, constantly keeping the listener guessing as it goes from one musical passage of inspire insanity to the next. A very unique and daring sound is on display here.

An Arcade Version of "Welcome to Nocturne City" is up next, and Perturbator knocks it out of the park as always. The arcade vibe on display is a very interesting and faithful recreation of Perturbator's usual sound; it's as if he sampled his own music into a C64 to achieve such a faithful recreation. The track is full of raunchy bass and mystical leads. Chromatic passages ramp up tension, from a breakdown to a frantic melody that reminds me of the original Super Mario Bros Bowser music. The song ends on a melodic high, darting SID synths dropping rapidly in pitch and volume.

"Dystopia" kicks off with a haunting melody before giving way to a fascist groove compliments Nightcrawler and Vincent Salvia. The dark harmonious synths tell tales of violent totalitarianism and dehumanization, capturing the atmosphere of 1984 with sweep bass tones and droning terror. The song holds hope though - a guitar solo kicks in, crisp and hopeful....the resistance will rise. The guitar gives me the vibe of 80's metal in the best ways.  Nothing says rebellion like a wailing axe.

Dynatron takes us on the penultimate journey. "Unquestionable Judgement" is unquestionably heavy. Guitars chug as two simultaneous melodies overtake it each, melding together and dispersing. The track breaks into a modest melody, cinematic in nature, as synth stabs rise and fall, bouncing between octaves. A palm mutted melody returns before breaking way into an atmospheric breakdown. The song crescendos, ending on a high note with tasteful guitar wailing, leaving the listener wanting more.

The final track of this epic synth journey is an additional Swagbot number called RocknRolla. A galloping bass takes the listener on a journey, riding neon lit steeds through glitched out realms of funkiness. A simple 4/4 beat soaked in reverb breaks way to snare riffage, an almost march aspect present. And with the sound of a reverse cymbal after a glitched out breakdown, our journey ends.

If such a thing as synth overdose were possible, I would surely be a candidate after listening to 40 brand new Synthwave / Outrun / New Retro Wave / Dark Wave / Horror Synth / Wave Wave tracks in such a short period. But instead, my creative batteries are restored, as if said batteries had a nose and just railed an 8ball of fire cocaine, so I shall crack my figurative music spine, shaking loose the built-up synth fragments lodged in there and get a nice flashback trip, regurgitating this euphoric memory into a brand new track.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Class Action II Compilation

 Synchronized, synthesized justice. A calculated effort from heroes of the synthwave scene, joining forces to troll the legions of media theft sites, sites that pirate music and either offer it for sale, or offer it for free download. Retro Promenade and Weekend Warriors Distribution proudly present....

CLASS ACTION COMPILATION VOLUME II
The compilation is kicked off in high gear with Epoch's epic track, "ZZ (Double Zeta)". This track is full of atmosphere, high energy optimism and infectious melodies. Kinda gives me a Back to the Future vibe. The funkiness of the groove is complimented with synthesizers dripping in cybernetic precision. I liken the track to surfing through space....on surfboards crafted using the severed spines of petty music pirates. If you're gonna pirate music, pirate to listen...not to share or sell. Or else we'll find you....rip your spine out....fashion a space-carving surfboard out of it....and surf through space listening to "ZZ (Double Zeta)".


Second track up is my track, yet another song under the Jon of the Shred banner. I call it...."Calculated Justice". Calculated Justice is a musical journey filled with orchestral symphonies, wailing guitars, and synthesizer soundscapes.



The third track up is The Sweeps - "The Last Dream (RP Edit)". Soothing vocal melodies soar above tense synthesizer soundscapes, as if the angels of heaven are patiently pleading with the music pirates to reverse their inconsiderate, wicked ways. Catchy melodies reminiscent of classical music carry the instrumental hook valiantly. A nice synthesizer breakdown conjures images of music pirates deep in thought, their guilt gnawing at their subconscious like frenzied termites.

Next up is "Chrome Beach" by KFDDA. The song starts off with a frenzied bass, joined later by it's good ol' friend and trusted ally, the synth lead. The quick notes give way to a more broken pattern, like stabs in the dark, stabs of a neon blade deep into the back of music pirates, their black blood draining across the soil, where soon, mutated venus fly traps, man eating venus fly traps, will emerge from the ground. A tasteful ending sweeps the track out, and right into....
 
"Cutiest Petutiest Gluteus" by Who Ha. This song is an absurd combination of cheesy epicness. The vocals give me a Talking Heads vibes, but with the self-aware cheekiness of the Flight of the Conchords. The lyrics are cut of the same cloth, cleverly written and imaginative. And as good as the vocals and lyrics are, the music backing it all might be the best part, making the listener imagine scores of fist pumping people in all manners of 80's apparel; neon head bands and visors, teased out hair, spandex with all odds and ends of incoherent shapes, working out in unison, mocking the music pirates, forcing them to smell their sweat covered socks.

Next up is "Out on the Raging Streets" by Ex-Machina. This bass has got some groove to it. A gated synth in the background rises and falls in chromatic glory over the top of the funky backdrop of bass and reverb soaked drums. Melodies on various synths come and go as they please, teasing the listeners ears, urging them to nod their head up and down in respect for the groove, but at the same time left and right at the music pirates who would dare steal all these glorious artists music.

And on to Laurence McFunk's funk odyssey, "Herb Moxie". This track features some very interesting melodic hooks, exploring all kinds of emotional terrain in the space of a single measure. Some refrains reek of classical inspiration, as if Mozart was raging Moogs after railing generous lines of cocaine. The song breaks down and in comes some funky leads reminiscent of Parliament Funkadelic meets a Rocky Balboa training montage. The analogue brass sings songs of triumph, songs of the demise of music pirating sites, dismantled and burning, where their charred remains will soon be urinated on by the childrens. Did I mention the cowbell?


Out from the speakers leaps the "Samurai Force Neon," courtesy of Beatbox Machinery. This track starts with a high-energy arp before a hollowed out, airy lead takes control with catchy, optimistic melodies. Really reminds me of cartridge games, particularly gameboy classics like Kirby's Dreamland. The optimistic vibe of this song makes the listener ponder whether it is a song that represents a post-music pirate world. A world where all music pirates have been dealt with, and we can all rage without fear of untalented asswipes stealing our music and reselling it as if they are legitimate music distributors. That is the future in which the Samurai Force Neon reside.

Logan Sky takes us to "Shinjuku City" next. What starts as a contemplative journey soon gets more intense as bass stabs and sweeping pads heighten the tension. This could very well be the soundtrack of fed-up artists and producers, donning laser weaponry and neon armor, infiltrating the pirate base to lay down some justice. But something goes wrong....the pirates are pumping a mixture of DMT and Salvia smoke through the vents, causing the listener to stumble through very interesting broken up segments, a unique break down.

John Sparxx is up next with "Love". If ever there was a movie in which the music pirates engaged in an all-out war with enraged music producers, I feel like this would be the track that rolled over the credits. The leaders of the synth resistance would be standing on the bloody battlefield, the dead and wounded on both sides littering the ground, a ground painted red with blood. They would look at each other, nodding solemnly, saying more by remaining silent than ever they could with words. And somehow, as if through synchronized destiny, they all leap into the air, right fists raised triumphantly, and freeze right there in mid-air, at the collective peaks of their majestic jumps. BANG. Credits roll, as infectiously catchy, bittersweet yet triumphant melodies coax you into a synthesizer high.

From these moments of meditative reflection, we're completely blindsided by Dan Terminus and his track "Restless Destroyer," a true marvel of heaviness. A perfect contrast to the track before it, Dan Terminus takes all the optimistic post-pirate musings and brings you back to reality. It's but a pipe dream; we still have a war to fight, comrades. And the war sounds like it's gonna be in the trenches and fought dirty. No worries....synthwave producers like it dirty.

Plaisance is up next with "Virgin Atlantic Challenger II". This track immediately gave me a Megaman X vibe. I can see Megaman X fighting through stage after stage of Maverick, each Maverick being the soul of each different pirating music website. With each pirate website Maverick defeated, Megaman X powers up his X-Buster, more diverse with each victory, stronger with each win. In a way, each song on this compilation is almost like a power up, each sitting on it's own but happily next to the other. The track rages on, energy high and bass clanking with a driving force. Leads of varying varieties variate the track, with occasional game FX serving as unique musical transitions between song sections.

"Before It Rises" by Wulf spills out of the speakers, a wave of velvety synths soothing the ear. A fat bass takes the lead, bringing us to a melody both wistful and transient. The song goes through various movements, each melody offering a different perspective, but all unanimously agreeing with each other on one key point......DEATH TO MUSIC PIRATES! BATHE IN THEIR BLOOD! 




Antroid Aubroid takes the mood from relaxed to mischievous. Synths bounce and bubble like a giant cauldron, the writhing bodies of music pirates thrashing around as their skin peels off, a penance for their crimes. The mischievous nature of the track doesn't let up, with some claps used in a delightfully cheeky fashion - as if we're clapping as we stand above the aforementioned giant cauldron filled with music pirates. A few minutes in some otherworldly synth leads take charge, taking the track in a light Sci-Fi direction.

Straktobeam's track "Midnight Run" starts off cinematic and atmospheric, before breaking into an energetic groove. The highlight of the track has gotta be the synth leads, but you gotta love the android voices. Sounds like robots giving the music pirates a final, cheerfully melodic warning - stop pirating our music or be prepared to have your face melted off with futuristic laser technology the likes of which your feeble mind cannot even BEGIN to comprehend. Then just as you think the track is winding down towards it's outro, it pulls the rug out from under you and settles into a hymn-esque breakdown, hoover synths like sirens of the sea beckoning to your ears. The track builds back into it's signature groove.

"A Serial Killer's Wet Dream" by Dress-2-Kill kicks off with tasteful sound effects before a driving bass takes over, John Carpenter-esque synth leads dotting the soundscape like Michael Myers knife into a music pirates back. Fuck, did I already use a knife into music pirates back analogy? I should have saved it for this track, because it's got that old school horror vibe.




From the slasher vibe of the last track we transition nicely into a more zombie vibed track, "Bleed Air" by McGain. A windy sweep really has that Italo Zombie vibe going on...Goblin would be proud. The track goes into more melodic sections, conjuring images of tropical shores, a beautiful paradise.....rolling waves....and beaches stained red with the blood of music pirates, music pirates that were dealt their fate from the hands and teeth of the undead. As each vital organ is ripped from a music pirate, an angel in heaven above gains a pair of wings.

"Eurasia" by Discoballistic starts off with great atmosphere. Upward spirals of synths are an audio delight, and a driving groove eventually breaks into a cinematic melody. Almost out of nowhere, a highly mischievous and infectiously catchy melody grabs the listener, as if grabbing the throat of a music pirate and ripping with intense force. The melody has an almost carnival vibe, really reminds me of some of the songs from the Super Mario RPG soundtrack, which is a compliment of the highest order.



The "Natural Order" of Spacious Sweep seems to be an order of atmosphere and melody. Energetic drum fills dart between stabby, melodic synthesizers. The drums sound like the drums of war, signaling a charge into enemy territory, territory lined with music pirates who's heads we shall sever and attach to the tops of our keytars to the atmospheric melody of the natural order. The synths are warm, punchy and lush, just the sort of sound to compliment a tribal beheading of those brave, yet stupid souls who decided to pirate our majestic music and put it up for free download.



Kiile is next in line, with the track "Into the City". And into the city we go. The bass gets things started after an ambient intro. Grooving, steadfast and true, melodic elements start slowly filtering in, filling the track out piece by piece. Interesting panning work comes into play, a synth going from left to right, much like a worm crawling it's way through a music pirates ear, tunneling through the pirate's brain like the dirt it is. Guitars twang as if from a distance, guitarists standing on the top of mountains and raining their fretted justice across the countryside.


"Receive the Receiver" is a decided change of pace. In On It is in on it all right, in on a catchy and unique groove. Things take a dramatic turn when the leads come into play, telling stories of music pirates being torn limb-from-limb over pits filled with sharks and alligators, their final demise a warranted spectacle observed by music producers and fans alike, nationwide, accompanied by this pulsing soundtrack.



We land from that synth high with "Landings" by New Arcades. New Arcades hits the ground running, as musical elements join the initial synth line, building the track up with each measure, as if it's the theme to a glorious marathon, all the runners donning the scars of war, now free after vanquishing their music pirate foes on the field of battle, triumphant melodies and extravagant fireworks dancing above their heads as the neon lit runway proves to be the road to ultimate victory.

RF Extreme encourages us to "Fight the Day" with this penultimate track. The atmosphere is intense and cinematic, telling stories of stealthy assaults on the bases of music criminals. As a man of nostalgia, I am not the least bit disappointed in the fact this track conjures cherished memories of Goldeneye 64.




And so, here we are. We've arrived at the end of our music pirate killing journey. Fixions is given the honor of tying the bow on this music present, and does so with "Bone Sand". The song starts with all kinds of interesting audio tricks, before breaking into a solid groove lined with glitches and unorthodox synth choices. Vocals cry with power, singing in celebration of the defeated music pirates. The song plods along with a sure-footed groove, a fitting end to this musical saga.





And so here we are, at the other side of the compilation, a compilation designed as a big middle finger to the people selfishly profiting off the work of others. If any good can come of music pirating, it's ideas like this. Be sure to check out the album on Retro Promenade's bandcamp! Although I'm sure you can find it on dozens of music pirate websites, those cheeky cunts. In closing....VIVA LA SYNTH!

Friday, March 7, 2014

Your Music Isn't "Uplifting" or "Empowering," So Go Fuck Yourself

Your music isn't "uplifting" or "empowering," so go fuck yourself with your guitar and shut the fuck up.
 
There, I said it.
 
I've been going to music festivals for almost a decade now, and have been performing in various bands at these festivals for roughly half that time. I still love the scene - I just prefer it in much smaller doses at this point. (Both literally and figuratively.)

It's definitely not as "magical" as it once was; my love of the scene has ebbed and flowed to varying degrees since my initiation at Moe Down. While initially I was at least 50% there to get fucked up (but only because I wanted to listen to the music with a different perspective, I'm a musician for fucks sake so cut me some slack), the necessity to get fucked up has dwindled to a cool 5%. I'm pretty much strictly there for the music at this point....that and the hippy chicks.
(Note : Getting drunk and stoned is a given under any circumstances, is standard protocol in daily life, and doesn't count as "getting fucked up.")
 

Now I don't want to attribute my moment of clarity in the scene strictly to the drugs wearing off......but I also can't lie and say taking the psychoactive tinted glasses off had zero effect on my perspective. Needless to say, I started noticing a few types of characters in the jam scene that rustled my jimmies. Lately, I've been seeing more of a particular type of hippy spring up....
 
 ...the dreaded, "Overly optimistic new age hippy that attempts to hide their pretentious and patronizing nature with counterfeit positivity." Maybe dreaded wasn't the best term to go with here, that implies a necessity for dreadlocks. I mean dreaded as in fearsome, dreadful, alarming, not dreaded as in a person with dreaded hair. Dreadlocks are fine as long as you aren't going around saying "Jah man" when you're so white you make Rick Astley look like Wesley Snipes. And I'm not just saying that because I got lazy for 4 years and my hair dreaded, dreadlocks are a pretty rad concept if you have the patience to let them form naturally. Manufactured dreads are like non-alcoholic beer. But back to the topic at hand....
 
"Overly optimistic new age hippy that attempts to hide their pretentious and patronizing nature with counterfeit positivity."
 
Ever notice that about the really obsessed hippys? The ones that go on long Facebook spiels professing love to everyone they know, or the ones that refuse to accept food from a friend unless it's 100% organic. They don't talk with you, they talk DOWN to you, maybe because you don't meditate with an incense in your asshole for 2 hours every day, or maybe because you don't know enough titles to Grateful Dead songs. Or the worst of all, the ones that are IN BANDS and REFER TO THEIR BAND AS UPLIFTING.
 
Woah, woah, woah, pump the breaks. I can't move past this. I can't move past the fact that there are musicians and bands that prop themselves up as "empowering" and "uplifting" without even the slightest hint of self-awareness.

That's right, there are actually bands out there in the jam scene that carry themselves as if they transcend music. This isn't even a small demographic, go look into the jam scene and look up what some of the bands are saying about themselves. I'm not trying to sling any shit at any particular bands personally, so I'm not pointing any fingers. But I cannot sit idly by when there are bands out there who legitimately believe they are profoundly changing the lives of their drugged out audiences..........audiences of which ironically can't dance for shit.

Let me break it down real simply here:
 
The thing about music being 'uplifting' and 'empowering' is, you cannot go around telling people that your music (or band) is uplifting and empowering. You need OTHER PEOPLE to say that shit about you. And when said OTHER PEOPLE claim your music/band is uplifting and empowering, you simply thank them and then shut the fuck up, not agree with them and go into a speech about how you're elevating the collective consciousness of your fanbase and finger-fucking their chakras with your music notes.
  
I got a news flash, assholes, ALL MUSIC WITH ARTISTIC MERIT IS UPLIFTING. Sure, mainstream mass-produced music is arguably pretty soulless on a consistent basis, especially if the only intent in producing the music is generating revenue for record companies with shitty music taste. But, shit, to some people some of that soulless garbage is pretty uplifting as well. So calling your own music, your own band, your own project any of those things is like cloning yourself just so you can have loud sex with your clone in public. No one wants to see that, and no one wants to hear your brag about your band in the most pretentious ways you possibly can, either. Fuck off with that self-dick-riding bullshit.
 
 Some may say I promote my own music in a boisterous and over-the-top fashion.

BUY MY FUCKING ALBUM NOW OR SOMETHING HORRIBLE FROM A CHAIN LETTER WILL HAPPEN TO YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

You're god damn fucking right I am boisterous and over-the-top with my promotion. I hype my music to the fucking moon and beyond Uranus. But the big difference is I'm having fun, and taking the piss out of myself just as much as I'm hyping myself up. There's a satirical edge to it; it's not a wink and a nudge, it's a kick in the face. Anyone who thinks I'm serious when I say "My latest track aborted the baby from Justin Beiber" is the same idiot of monumental proportions that worships bands that refer to themselves as "Uplifting" and "empowering," as if they're the only band to ever conjure these feelings, as if centuries of music has existed only to pave the way for THEIR band, THEIR uplifting songs.


 
"My band, we like....we just want to spread out good vibes and, like, raise the collective consciousness of our fanbase. We transcend music, we really are amazing, our debut album is being released soon it's called 'Favored Virtuosity: A Lesson in Self-Importance.' There's like healing frequencies that make our listeners buttholes twitch, it's so wild and innovative and unique. It's gonna completely change the lives of our fan base and the world of music, just you wait."
 
 Give me a fucking break. Arguably ALL MUSIC is uplifting. And that should go without saying, you self-important shitheads. So it sounds extremely pretentious when you go and point out these qualities specifically in your own music.
 
Music in and of itself is a gift from the universe, arguably the purest form of self-expression in existence. As such, the only person entitled to brag about the uplifting and empowering nature of music, is the genius who discovered the particular frequencies we as musicians use to create the very audio chocolate that enriches our lives.

The instant a band refers to their own music in terms like "empowering" and "uplifting," they are basically ignoring the fact these traits are present in most music. Just a thought.....if you're STRIVING to make "uplifting" and "empowering" music, you're likely going to fail and come across as try-hard, hokey and false. Your goal should be to express yourself artistically. If, through this artistic expression, others are inspired, be happy and continue expressing yourself. But don't go around claiming that was your intention all along like some sort of musical shaman.

So clean off your guitar, stop acting like your shit don't stink, and just fucking ROCK. Stop acting like music is just a means to an end, that you're just using music to "raise frequencies" and all that stupid bullshit. Ok, good.

And for those of you who don't play instruments, reread this article and count how many times I use the words "uplifting" and "empowering." Each time you read these words, they should be more painful than the last time you read them. And that WAS my fucking intent. Just trying to raise the consciousness of your anger, I guess.