Friday, April 29, 2016

White People With Dreads?! Oh My!

I am white. I have dreadlocks. Apparently this proves problematic for quite a few people. But ya know what? Good. I hope it really rustles the jimmies of these brain dead bigots, knowing my locks are both sexier and more badass than the pitiful Coolio locks they're trying to rock. I bet you limp wristed pieces of shit sat in a chair and had them formed over the course of a 3 hour appointment. Mine didn't.

My dreadlocks were forged on the fields of hedonistic battle. In early 2008, I shaved my head. And from that point on I decided I'd just let that shit grow however the fuck it wanted to. Traveling up and down the east coast, taking psychedelics from strangers and fucking mysterious hippie chicks in my tent at festivals, playing 3 sets at a single festival and jumping in as a guest guitar on other sets. Sleeping in the back seat of my car, on the couch at a band mates house, on uncomfortably rocky ground atop a cheap sleeping bag in a $30 Walmart tent in the mugginess of an upstate New York summer...these dreads formed on their own accord. They had a mind of their own. And if you think my hair knotting into badass chunks is somehow diminishing from YOUR can fuck yourself.

Tell you what...I'll lob off my biggest dreadlock and let you use that to fuck yourself with. I'm sure it's a chunkier, more earnest dreadlock than any of the ones hanging off your thick, bigoted skull.
How are dreadlocks a racial thing? How are they a cultural thing? There is no way to accurately pinpoint the first instance of dreadlocks throughout humanity, and even if there was.......would it matter what color their skin was? Not in the slightest.
If dreadlocks were a predominantly CAUCASIAN hair style, there is absolutely no way I'd feel obligated to shame any other race for deciding to rock the locks. (Or deciding to neglect brushing their hair and living a monotonous, predictable life.) Hair will lock, it will knot, and some times you'll get badass clumps of dead hair that can be used as utility holsters. Two of my dreads split in the middle into nooses. I've got a post-birth abortion noose on the left side of my head and a kitten noose on the right. One of my fatter dreads has a claw off of it that can be used to snort powdered substances (and flick a clitoris numb) and another has a dagger like end point that could fend off muggers, even if they're a Vampire. (Silver claw, motha fucka.)
 All you salty pieces of shit trying to convince yourselves dreadlocks are a cultural thing and not just a result of neglecting ones hair need a reality check. How about you suck my fattest dread and cup the roots as if they were my giant balls?

Eat the Rich

The richest rich people that make other rich people look middle class literally OWN YOU. The battle of the sexes, the race wars, the religious battles, political's all just social conditioning specifically designed to distract everyone from the fight that actually matters, the class war, the elites vs. their underlings - the underlings who make up most of society.
Anyone that whines and bitches about people being too lazy and entitled and shit are just ignorant of the current state of society. Everyone lives life thinking it should require 40+ hour work weeks (with 2 weeks vacation over the course of a year, maybe 1 month maternal leave). Everyone ponies up and pays big bucks for health insurance and car insurance and death insurance. Yet at this point, it's all unnecessary. 

Machines and modern technology make the 40 hour work week unnecessary. It's an obsolete, dated concept. The country wouldn't die and flip belly-up if we started requiring less of people - not that you're supposed to know that. But seriously, maybe 20 hour work weeks - max. And everything would run fine. But the problem is, over the years everything has gone up in price - besides the price of someones time. So 20 hour work weeks aren't enough to get by. The greed of the powerful fucks us all over. Because as I said earlier, at this point - due to modern technology - we're leaps and bounds more proficient as a species at surviving.

Wages basically stay stagnant. There's too many people and too few people in power. So the rampant greed and hoarding of wealth by a few fucks the needs and living quality of everyone else. Every single corporation with deep pockets will intentionally find reasons to raise the prices of their products and services - but cling to decades old reasoning to keep the wages stagnant, only going up when the minimum wage makes them raise the amount they pay their employees.

It's all a scam. The 40 hour work week is indentured servitude. Slavery still exists - we're all slaves and the master is debt. And I LIKE working. A hard days work of manual labor feels just like a good workout. But at the same time, I don't like busting my ass for pennies and to be disrespected by the smarmy manager who was a shit worker and only got to his position of authority through being a cutthroat that ratted on his coworkers for smoking a joint on break. Pay attention and you'll notice who climbs the societal ladder the fastest these days - it isn't the hard workers, it's the sociopaths who manipulate everyone around them. The backstabbers, the kiss asses, the liars.

Our parents could afford mortgages and car payments on minimum wage, with a full-time, 40 hour work week. Nowadays it's difficult to keep yourself fed and pay rent on minimum wage, never mind start a life. And those 40 hour work weeks changed to 39 hour and 58 minute work weeks. Notice how EVERY company frowns upon overtime? They don't WANT to pay employees over time. They don't WANT to give people time and a half on holidays or past midnight. They're greedy fucking shitheads who can never have enough. CEO's are by and large bloated, greedy shit heads that can't give their employees a livable working wage but give themselves $100,000 Christmas bonuses.

Fuck society, and fuck anyone who actually hates on the poor and lower class and looks at them as the enemy. "Oh no, they're getting food stamps off of my tax dollars!" Well think about this, jackass, who the fuck is taking your taxes to give to them in the first place? And why would you prefer your taxes go to bombing brown people overseas? I prefer my taxes to go to feeding the brown people here, even if they doggie paddled across the Rio Grande. Because fuck America, fuck patriotism, fuck nationalism. It's all a bunch of horse shit. And doggie paddling across the Rio Grande is pretty impressive.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Troll Hunting 18: Nirvana Fans

Nirvana fans sure are easy to rile up. They actually care that Bieber wore a Nirvana shirt? Who gives a fuck? I'm an Iron Maiden fan, and I'd definitely rip the Iron Maiden shirt right off Lady Gaga and fuck the shit out of her.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dating Site Questions

Nowadays, if I'm taking a dump, I'm probably rapid swiping Tinder to accrue a harem of matches that I'll never have time to message since I work 6 days a week mixed with matches I'll never intend on messaging because they're too fat to arouse me sexually (unless it was last call at a bar and I threw her...and...myself a hail Mary pity fuck out of shameful desperation). But I have much more fun answering the stupid questions on OkCupid as brutally honest as possible. I like to think it gives me an excuse why no one messages back, although in reality the true reasons are A) These sites are retarded and B) They get swamped by messages and dick pics by the hour. And maybe, just maybe C) I'm an ugly motherfucker.


Thursday, February 18, 2016

Stop Being Proud of Your Periods

What the fuck is this shit? Why are bitches proud of bleeding from their slit? Why be proud of simple bodily functions? Am I proud when I take a dump? Am I proud to ejaculate? Am I proud to urinate on drunken feminists? Sure, in the rarest of circumstances, maybe I am proud of some of these simple bodily functions...but it's all dependent on context.
When I take a solid shit for the first time in 2 months (due to either my alcoholism or undetected colon cancer), I have some strange sense of accomplishment.
If I ejaculate on a really hot chicks tramp stamp, I'll be proud. But that was the journey to ejaculation I'm proud of, not the fact I ejaculated itself. Context, people. It's all about context. And on that note, there's plenty of contexts in which to be ASHAMED of ejaculating, like in a middle school bathroom or into a corpse.

The same can be said of periods - it'd be shameful to take a bunch of pictures as if it were some art gallery and be proud. That's just gross. Oh wait, someone actually did that. You go, girl! Or, it'd be shameful to run a marathon and then bleed all over the place to prove some sort of strange point. Your father must be proud...oh wait, that happened too. Or it'd be shameful to bleed on someone else's furniture after passing out on it from three whine colors mixed with your bipolar disorder medication. That's somethign to be embarrassed about, not an accomplishment. What happens when a feminist mistakenly bleeds on their friends furniture? "That was a statement against the patriarchy!" Sure thing, Liz...but can you clean it off my futon? For fucks sake.
It's like when guys brag about their beards, as if not taking a razor to your face for 8 months is some measure of masculinity. "Beard pride," "period pride"....people want medals for fucking existing these days.

Sure, I wake up with morning wood on a lot of days. Waking up with erections is a normal bodily function most men deal with....some of us on a daily basis. Personally, I either let it stay hard until it subsides or stroke it 'til I nut. I don't go post about "morning wood awareness" on social media, or tell people to stop "shaming me for my morning wood." I don't hire a sculptor to erect a statue in honor of my morning boner from February 15th, 2016. I deal with it privately and move on with my life. And when people make morning wood jokes, I laugh and relate. Like in 40 Year Old Virgin when he pisses all over himself with the morning wood? That makes me laugh. I don't feel necessitated to start some sort of misplaced, counterfeit moral crusade against the joke for being sexist to feel better about myself. And I don't feel some strange, misplaced pride that my body is functioning like most other male human bodies function.