Tuesday, February 2, 2016

I Saw A Furry In Person

As I was driving the other day I saw a furry walking the streets of Worcester. I actually saw a Furry in the wild, completely at random. No craigslist ads necessary. These are the people you read about on the internet that you hope don't really exist. Reading about them is sort of like reading a news story about something horribly tragic as an adult. You know the kind of story, the one that keeps getting simultaneously more depressing / sickly entertaining. The kind of story middle aged house wives love to talk about to each other for some odd reason.

"A 54 year old man died in a car accident yesterday after falling asleep at the wheel and careening into a telephone pole."

Well, 54 isn't that bad. That's still a pretty full life.

"He was a veteran that served in Vietnam, the last surviving member of his platoon."

Aw jeeze, here we go.

"After losing a leg in the war he participated in various charitable organizations that looked to cure several different diseases."

So he put his time into charitable work for ailments he wasn't personally experiencing? He didn't all the sudden empathize with just amputees after losing a limb, but was humbled to empathize with people of all walks of life suffering all plights? What a swell guy.

"He was driving his 11 year old grandson to a surprise birthday party."

 The plot thickens.

"The 11 year old is now confined to a wheel chair for the rest of his life."

Come on! But back to the furry, which is equally tragic.

So I was headed back to work after picking up some wings for lunch when I was forced to come to a stop as a tall person in a cartoony looking fox fursuit was escorted across the street by what looked like his or her elderly mother. It was strange, very very strange. (If I had struck the weird son of a bitch with my car and killed him, would he have been roadkill?)

 For those that are unaware of what a "furry" fur suit looks like, here's a picture.

Here's a better picture.

Seriously, keep that shit to yourself you deprived lunatics. Furries should be like Fight Club, the first rule is to not talk about being a furry. (That should be the rules of Vegans too.) I mean whatever people want to get into in the comfort of their own home to get off sexually is their business. Wear that fur suit, jack off to some strange porn, stick that toothbrush in your ass. Just remember not to put that toothbrush back in the coffee mug in the bathroom. Or at the very least, rinse it off with some Listerine first. Point is, so long as it's not hurting anyone else, go for it. I'm talking about perverted shit like fur suits, not something like...

"You tricked the paralyzed 11 year old into your van, it even had room for his wheel chair. So have at it! You deserve this, Tom. Especially after they fucked you over on that promotion."

That's hurting someone else. Even if there is no feeling below the waist, you're leaving mental scars. People like these furry weirdos, I have no problem with them personally. Wear your fur suits and fuck complete strangers who are also in fur suits through the buttflap on their wolf costume, it's your life. Pretend it's the fox anus you've always pined to demolish. Go for gold you fucking psychotic deviants! Just have the common decency to keep that cum stained fur suit at home. Hang up your semen soaked plush fox head before you go in public, you inconsiderate prick. Because there could be some mental scarring taking place on those streets after you strut around like Star Fox.

And to have your poor, poor mother escorting you around...right near the courthouse mind you, so there's all kinds of heavy foot traffic, and construction - police officers directing traffic and such. You ARE hurting other people donning that outfit in public. You're an embarrassment to yourself, to your family, and the entire human race.
And that's why I'm saying keep that shit in private. Bringing that into a public domain is harming other people. I wonder how many people saw that weirdo walking around and it just completely ruined their week. Maybe some guy was having the best day - woke up to a text back from his pot dealer telling him he's got $25 8ths on tap. He finds a $20 bill on the ground seconds later - there's your 8th, boss. His job interview goes well. He gets lunch at his favorite restaurant, and finally gets the number from that cute waitress he always flirts with but just never has the balls to ask out. Sure, she eye fucks him every time he goes to eat there, but she IS at work so he'd just feel weird hitting on her......but not today! Today everything is going his way for once! Then upon leaving the restaurant he sees the furry, which forces him to turn his head for just the opportune split second necessitated for him to slip on a banana peel and break his neck on the pavement. And the greatest irony is the banana peel was thrown on the ground by ANOTHER furry wearing an ape costume. 

If only the fox and ape could find each other on those lonely city streets.
Or the complete reverse of that happens, like some dude on the brink of suicide sees the guy in the fursuit and decides he IS going to down that bottle of pills and handle of vodka later and end the misery that is his life. It's the fursuit that broke the camels back.

Or even still, maybe that furry nut job gave the suicidal guy a reason to go on. Maybe seeing that sick fuck is just what the depressed guy needed to see to put shit into perspective.

"Well sure, I'm fucked up in the head. My life is a joke. But at least I don't sexually identify as a mystical fox creature."

There is no confidence booster quite like seeing the depravity of some other sick fuck that makes you feel slightly normal in comparison. (Well, aside from tapping fresh puss and snorting good cocaine. Those are always good confidence boosts.) 

Of course, the reason the suicidal guy is even still alive in the first place is because every time he goes to pull the trigger or jump out of his 14th story window he masturbates "for the last time" and then loses the ambition to do go through with it - or anything else for that matter. "Fuck killing myself right now, I just nutted. I'll just kill myself tomorrow morning before work." The best part is, he feels even guiltier and more miserable after ejaculating. But back to the furry, and not these peripheral hypothetical caricatures.

I wonder how hard the old lady (who I'm convinced was his mother from the 10 seconds I saw them walk by) tried to convince him not to wear that stupid fucking fur coat in public. 
"C'mon, Jimmy, is the fox suit really necessary? You don't have to wear it every day! You should let me wash it, it smells awful! How are you gonna find a girlfriend when you dress like this? You're 24 for god's sake!"

And where is the father figure in this kids life? Is he still at the gas station picking up cigarettes from 12 years ago? Must be one hell of a line - and for a Sunday, too! The poor furry kid was watching Mr Ed when his father walked out of his life for good, now he's traumatized into identifying as a horse and needs to make love to other horse people to fill the void. I guarantee this kid had a father figure as absent as his dignity. Because to me there is nothing dignified about wearing a fox costume in public unless it's on Halloween. How many children you trying to traumatize wearing that shit in public?

I'm just gonna full on assume the person in the suit was a male, for the simple reason that a woman doesn't need to stoop to such low, low levels to get sex. This person had such a hard time dating and spent so much time on 4chan that their mind is now warped to the point of them sexually identifying as a fox that walks on two legs and wears diapers. That just isn't gonna happen to 99.999999899999% of woman, it doesn't work like that. They have more important things to think about then becoming a unicorn, like...actually getting laid.

 I wish I could have talked to the furry. Just a really level headed, honest, no bullshit conversation.

"Listen, dude. You gotta lose the fur suit. You DON'T think you're a fox, you delusional prick, you're compensating for not being able to get laid. Something is just fucked up in your brain and you got a weird personality, but it's all good! It's 2016 you weird mother fucker, so go out there and get yourself some pussy! Buy an escort off backpage if you have to, scour the bottom of the barrel on Plenty of Whales. Who cares if she has 3 kids at 24, anything is a step up from fur suit animal sex at this point. Use a fake name for fucks sake, you're used to pretending you're a character from My Little Pony, answering to Steve instead of Jimmy for the duration of a date should be a leisurely stroll through the park. Fire up Tinder and send out the same opener to dozens of girls. But for the love of god, don't talk about your fursuits. Or DragonBallZ. Or 4chan. You fucking weirdo."

Again, just hang up the cum stained fox head before you leave the house. Leave that shit in your parents basement with all the rest of your shit. Tone it down in public a few notches. Make it so that people actually have to study you to realize how much of a fucking weirdo you are. At a passing glance you're just a wiry little nerd. Upon closer inspection the casual observer will note the My Little Pony backpack and THEN realize you're a creepy fuck. Moderation. With the fur suit, anime, AND Mountain Dew, you glutton.

Funny thing is, it was right in front of the Worcester courthouse. I wonder if that prick wore that shit to court? Pleading his case in a fucking mystical blue fox outfit? "I just don't know why I'm being harassed so much, your honor!" Or better yet, that's a lawyer. Just a fox fur suit, tie around the neck, and leopard print suitcase. He's a very expensive lawyer, but he wins every case. His bodyguard is a frail elderly women who was taught a secret form of martial arts only her and Bruce Lee know.

But I'd wager the furry phenomena is the result of a limp-wristed society. Follow your dreams, kiddies! Even if it means identifying as a mystical fox creature known as Lazarus and driving your family apart! If it wasn't his parents divorce that caused him to start wearing fur suits, then he probably destroyed their marriage when he came out as a furry to them.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Don't You Dare Try and Be More Depressed Than Me, Bitch

So I went to grab a pack of smokes on my way home from a script writing session (Angles of Life, most depressing comedy ever motherfucker), and the lady at the gas station was acting all lethargic.

"Debit or credit?" she inquires.

"Debit," I respond. I swipe my card.

"You hit a button before I could enter it in the computer, that's awesome."

I hadn't hit a button, I had merely swiped my card. It was amusing though, so I felt the need to out-depress her.

"We all have jobs we hate," I say to her.

She paused a second, taken aback, and the responded with
"It's just so hot in here." 

"Well it's bitter cold out, there's probably homeless people dying in this weather outside."

Another silent pause followed, and I ended with a "Have a nice night and happy holidays."

Just sell me my boges without bitching and sighing and I won't ruin your night with some reality, yo. I just wanna go home, microwave a slice of Ellio's pizza, throw some natural shredded cheese over the top, and chain smoke my Marlboro 100's in between bowls of dispensary weed. Is that so much to ask?

Apparently it is, as I got hit up on Facebook shortly after arriving home. Here is the chat that followed.

Bitch, I want my Russian mail order bride ASAP. Don't taunt me you troll fuck. And I know, you're*

Friday, December 11, 2015

Missed Opportunities

Lament not the changing of tides and winds of change. Step over the missed opportunities piling at your feet like the figurative shavings off of your scarred soul. Learn from your mistakes and your missteps, utilize the knowledge found to further yourself. Let the pain of the present engulf a flame of burning passion to better the future, to move forward, onward and upward....

....or spiral down into the abyss of self-loathing apathy, miserable at the consequences you now face, the results of poor decisions, the results of jumping to conclusions. The death of potential romance leaves a hollowed out pit of numbness in your gut. The deceit of miscommunication clutches at your throat and drains all optimism, spilling out into a festering pool of despair, self-doubt, and stinging remorse.

Or just pack up a fat bowl of dispensary weed and jack off a few times.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Netflix and Chill

Netflix and chill is all the rage these days. You hear the term and variations of it thrown around liberally. Hulu and commitment, Amazon Prime and anal, cable television and handjobs, HBO Go and blow and blowjobs. It's no longer a hushed topic of conversation among bros and gaggles of female friends, it's moved right into the mainstream lexicon and people are openly acknowledging that we're all lustful animals that want to eat, drink, and whore our way throughout our 20's and early 30's. Nothing wrong with that. Couple that with Tinder and Uber, and you can have a rotating schedule of various women that you met and seduced on a cell phone app that you can then send home on a taxi ordered through another cell phone app. Not exactly the future predicted in the Jetson's, but whatever....fuck it, I'll take it.

If you think about it, Netflix and chill is really just the modern equivalent of dinner and movie dates. But there are really tons of benefits to Netflix and chill over your classic "dinner and a movie" date our parents used to go on.

1. You can smoke pot liberally. Sure, you can sneak a few J's into the movie theater...but I wouldn't suggest it. You don't want to trigger the fire alarm when you go see the Finding Nemo spin-off....or give children a contact high. They gotta pay if they wanna get lit, dawg.

2. You can drink liberally. No need to have your next potential girlfriend / fuck bud / booty call / hated ex sneak in a few 40's and moonshine nips into the theater. No need to ditch the empties and move two rows up in the theater. You gotta break the seal and take a mega piss? Pause the fucking movie. Take your time, tickle your butt cheeks a bit and strain out those extra few drops. The movie isn't going anywhere. The girl on your couch getting more hot and bothered as each minute passes isn't going anywhere. Shit, you can even piss right out your window if it's not the first "date." Give her a sample viewing of the meat she's about to dine on before the movie even finished introducing all the main characters.

3. You don't need to awkwardly propose the post-date hangout after the credits roll....you're already IN the post-date hangout. There is no date. If a girl is willing to come over and watch Netflix with you alone in your room, it's clear the pretense exists that the two of you wanna fuck each others brains out like rabbits on ecstasy. Have at it! Half the time you won't even make it 15 minutes into the movie before she's grabbing your dick and grinding against your side. So instead of having to wait until the credits roll, walk into the crisp night air and awkwardly fumble your words in the parking lot propositioning your date for some post-cinematic chilling, you'll more than likely be balls deep before the credits even roll. If you're a marksman you'll probably even get the Netflix "are you still watching this?" screen whilst still in the throes of coitus. No Netflix, we're not watching it, but it's good noise cover so everyone else in the house doesn't hear me going to pound town for the next 45 minutes, so by all means, hit me with the next episode or recommended movie.

4. You can pick a shitty movie, get right to business, then move on to something you actually DO want to watch after you've already got the sexual tension cleared.

5. Save some money. It's safe to assume everyone (at least in westernized culture) is hedonistic, morally deprived, and desperate to find meaning in this dying culture through attention whoring, social media, and dangerous sexual gratification. In light of this, why spend money on some chick who's leaving your house in the morning to go take a shower in the afternoon to get ready to ride another dudes cock in the night? Investing money into relationships is pointless, because relationships are dead. The movies lied, folks. Basically you find someone to fuck for a little while, one of you starts fucking someone else, and it ends. Half the time people don't even have the common decency to inform the other person they're bailing on the fuck arrangement and ghost the poor bastard / poor broad. So why not invest your money in yourself instead? $9 a month for Netflix could be your one way ticket to pound town.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Make Me a Fucking Sandwich and Wipe That Look Off Your Hipster Face, Cunt

The other night I decided to purchase a microphone. Both on the way to the Best Buy and the journey home afterwards, I smoked a good amount of cannabis, leaving me craving some sort of delicious fast food sustenance. Upon my friends suggestion, I stopped at a local sandwich shop called "Weepin' Willies." Being far too stoned to realize the place was close to closing, we popped in and I grabbed two sandwiches. Had to be the worst customer service I've ever experienced, call centers and laptop trouble shooting services be damned. Horrible attitude, terrible customer service, and then when I got home to eat the sandwich, it absolutely sucked. So I took to Yelp to express my thoughts on the experience.